Denise's Boring Blog

Have moved to Wordpress...

2011-04-15T15:20:00.001+01:00

Hi everyone... i have now moved across to wordpress as of today...

The address for the blog there is:

http://denisesboringblog.wordpress.com/

An April clean

2011-04-04T14:36:00.004+01:00

Ooooer.... well Hello....

It's spring, and i felt it was time to change the template, get the broom out, give the blog a clean up, spruce etc....

But rest assured things aren't changing in terms of the writing, although i will try and articulate a bit better for some of the luvvies out there, and i will keep my back straight and upright when i type the blogs.... honest.... nope you can be assured i won't be changing my writing style, or not writing from the heart in matters i feel are important, along with everyday normal stuff you get from an everyday normal kinda person........ innit....

I will continue to ensure that bigots get a drubbing down, whether they are transphobes, homophobes, racists and of course those trans people that are very much cisphobic...

Catch ya later

Denise
xx

Back after a break

2011-03-31T15:50:00.002+01:00

Hello!!!!

How are you all? Fine i hope? Excellent... good to hear it....

Well it's nearly a week since Mike and I were returning from a week away in sunny west scotland... i'll do a few holiday blogs later as i have yet to go through the pictures and the video i took up there, but it's safe to say we had a excellent time, we managed to see some beautiful views, see the wildlife up close, get buzzed by a Golden Eagle as we drove across the mountains and got to meet some lovely people and sample some lovely food... it was just so good to get away...

And you know the bestest thing of all.... i got to get away from the people obsessed with trans stuff :)

Absolutely Marvellous.... :)

Catch you soon with some longer blogs and some pics...

Denise
xx

Why didn't i go....

2011-03-15T14:47:00.005Z

to the TMW event in London....

Well there were a few immediate issues that upset me enough to change my mind, just the day before, but one in particular was the final nail and swayed my decision, and sadly someone didn't cotton on that it might because of my passion around cisphobia being just as bad as transphobia that allowed me to make this decision... i wanted to be there, but i will not stand next to someone that is cisphobic, at an event which is trying to work towards stamping out transphobia... i would be a hypocrite... and i stand by my conviction, and morals, even if it means it hurts many more in the process...

Let's get things out of the way first... i am proud that an initiative has happened and that the TMW event was a major event for trans people, i think it is a valuable step, and one that with many other steps will hopefully shape the future of understanding, acceptance and plain old respect... there's no doubt it's a major step, and a hell of a lot of hard work has gone into achieving this....

I just couldn't go because of my feelings around an issue that's been outstanding already and got highlighted again by someone who is someone i have known for over 9 years, although to be honest the last couple of years i have gone down the pecking order of someone being interesting friend wise...

We had a heated discussion a few months back where she felt that cisphobia could be some way of turning the tables, to give them cis people a taste of their own medicine.... something that upset myself and Mike very much... i took the middle line as far as i could, because i fully understand Mike being upset, and remember i have seen how trans people treat those that are not, and i see the double standards, and yes you can throw the 'we go through crap statement at me, we are likely not to trust others', and i can throw the 'if you don't start learning to try and trust someone don't bloody transition....' but I'm not going there, and this is my blog so i will say again that i have seen how trans people have treated Mike first hand, and it makes me physically sick, i mean that... i nearly gag with it, it hurts me to hell....

And so i see a similar comment the other day and i go cold with the thought of it.... a sweeping statement that all cis people judge trans people by their genitals... that would be bloody laughable if it wasn't sad because her cis partner obviously hasn't done so, as Mike didn't do with me, you know people are perfectly capable of making their own minds up, Mike was attracted to me for me... that's not a difficult concept to grasp is it?....

Anyone is capable of judging anyone else by their genitals, many trans people are as internally transphobic as anyone else... if we bring in the pointless word labels you see it all the time, then lets look at some lesbians that hate gay men, particularly around the subject of what's below and between the legs, some gay men hate lesbians... the list can go on and on.... but i am going a little off tangent to show a point here....

I wanted to go along to the event, to catch up with some people, to meet some new people and the invaluable networking time after... where awareness to issues is the area you can get across in an informal way.... but i will not give up my morals to achieve that... that's what makes me different... that's why sometimes i don't get invited to parties, because i have a moral compass that has to keep working.... i cannot lose it to jump on board with politicians and media, that isn't me...

I sit here quite upset as i write this.... because a long friendship is in tatters.... to make a sweeping statement that all cis people judge trans people by their genitals is utterly stupid and i expected so much more from someone i know is highly intelligent...

She upset Mike a few months back... and didn't see the importance... and now it happens again... and sure i know there are friends and acquaintances of hers who are trans who think cis people have privilege blah blah blah... them all nasty cis people... even the lesbian journalists that people are so obsessed over challenging all the time instead of moving on.... but the simple reality is this.... you don't fight fire with fire.... you rise above it... you cannot ask major media companies to change the way they portray trans people and yet think it's perfectly ok to be cisphobic.... you have to build up from the bottom to take the intolerance out at source.... and that means just as much change has to happen with trans people....

Put it simply... if you are trans... and cisphobic.... piss off and live on an island... because you are just as unwelcome as someone from the BNP with their views....

I've just watered this entry down a bit, i decided to sit on it for a day and think about things, but i am still upset, i am deeply ashamed of trans people that are cisphobic...

Sometimes you have to sigh and chuckle at the same time...

2011-03-02T16:22:00.002Z

Over the years, in several different forums has been the same person... the same person that whenever a thread has ever been opened about CX will never let you down in the fact that she will share that the place is awful... it's nasty... she had a bad experience there you see and she's glad not to be at the place anymore.... and it doesn't matter what the thread is about, it can be someone saying they had a good appointment there, that they have a website up etc etc and nope, she has to bring everything down... they are nasty, they never helped her etc etc etc....

I think she's like still pre op after 15 years or something, probably find that's CX at fault as well...

Scary thing was i found someone else that can actually beat that... they have been full time 25 years and still not had the op, and that's everyone else's fault as well, including the CX clinic....

So it seems to be contagous... apparently if you are fulltime for years and years and years then it's never anywhere in the mix any fault of your own.... nope they obviously have someone out there making their life hell, perhaps it's M15, or MI6, or the Tory party.... perhaps it could be Aliens.... or Bill Oddie... or even..... even Skippy the Kangaroooo..... that's it... that bleeding hoppy thing has caused them to have such a shit life that nothing has gone right....... and it's all his fault........ and everyone else's...... so there....

*Chuckle...........*

*Sigh.....*

No wonder some people think that trans people have a mental and medical condition.... wheel these people out on a stage and we are screwed from the start.....

As Talk Talk says.........

"Life... is what you make it...."

EHRC report shows identity based bullying in schools is widespread and not tackled effectively

2011-03-02T15:19:00.005Z

New research from the Equality and Human Rights Commission, published today, has found that bullying based on students’ identities remains a widespread problem and is limiting the achievements of those who are bullied. Efforts to tackle the problem vary between local authorities and for different types of prejudice related bullying.

A panel of guests including Nick Gibb MP, Minister for Schools will be debating the findings of the Commission’s report ‘Prevention and Response to Identity Based Bullying’ and its detailed review of equality – ‘How Fair is Britain’ – today at Westminster Academy, London.

The study for the Commission carried out by Goldsmiths, University of London found that nearly two in ten of all school students said that they do not feel physically safe at school. Nearly half of 6-10 and 14 year olds said they had been bullied at school. Among the primary school children who said they were being bullied, four in ten said it was happening at least once a week.

More than eight in ten disabled pupils have been bullied at school. Two in three lesbian, gay or transgender secondary school pupils said they had been bullied and nearly one in six of them had received death threats.

The failure of local authorities to address the problem has a negative impact on the achievements of young people who are being bullied. They do worse in their GCSE exams and are twice as likely as others not to be in education, employment or training at the age of 16.

Most local authorities agree there is a need for monitoring the prevalence of bullying across all groups in school or in the community, however, very few have this in place as they are only obliged to gather evidence of race-related bullying. While 75 per cent had evidence related to the prevalence of racist bullying in schools, this fell to less than 40 per cent for bullying relating to sexual orientation, gender and religion or belief and to less than 30 per cent for disability-related bullying.

The report recommends action in several critical areas, including:

· Local authorities need to gather more evidence on the extent of identity based bullying; without understanding the size of the problem it is impossible to target resources where they are needed or to monitor progress.

· Local authorities have asked for, and need, more guidance and support to help them tackle bullying in their schools. Any guidance developed should be specific to each type of bullying.

· A preventative strategy should be adopted which considers all the equality strands and focuses on tackling prejudice. The aim should be to adopt a ‘whole of school’ policy and create an environment which promotes diversity and inclusion.

Based on evidence in its review of equality “How Fair is Britain”, the Commission has already specifically recommended that action is needed to reduce the incidence of homophobic, trans-phobic, disability and religiously motivated bullying in schools and workplaces.

Baroness Margaret Prosser, Commissioner for the Equality and Human Rights Commission, said:

“Bullying is a corrosive element running through the lives of many young people. Parents should expect that their children will be safe in school, but that is not the experience of many school children.

“As a society we are paying a high price for failing to adequately tackle the issue. Bullying not only affects the day to day life of those involved but also blight’s their chances in life.

"Schools should have the support they need to address bullying. This could be through preventative strategies that really get to the root causes of prejudice and by having equality and diversity as key components of the core curriculum.”

To access the full report, please visit the EHRC website at:

http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/key-projects/how-fair-is-britain/tackling-the-challenge-of-identity-based-bullying/

Facebook, forums and Reality

2011-02-26T08:59:00.003Z

Hello.....

Saturday morning, it's a bit damp outside... but the sky is clearing up ok, who knows it might even be a bit sunny later....

And i know this because i can see it through the window....

I could perhaps ring a friend up in say.... New York and ask him what the weather outside my place is, he could then tell me it's 7 feet of snow... and then of course i can believe him, because obviously someone several thousand miles away from me is telling the truth... obviously it's all believable....

And it's like that with facebook..... and forums..... i could go in to either right now and tell them i was hit by a car last week, that i was rushed to hospital, i nearly died, they resuscitated me but I'm ok now... and i will get loads of like clicks and people saying glad you are ok denise.... i could easily just produce all sorts of drivel for people to pat me on the back and give me virtual love over the social network..... but that's all a crock of shite....

Facebook has it's cool things, you can keep in touch with friends, share pics, create events, share information around, it has potential to do lots... but it's like another huge online forum, for some people it's becomes the real world....

Out there... is the real world.... and people need to start living it.......

Heres to passion and emotion...

2011-02-16T10:24:00.002Z

You know without passion and emotion we would all lead a different life... we would lead a dull life....

So heres to passion and emotion...

Sometimes things can hit us hard, sometimes we can take something someone said or wrote differently and the emotion floods through, the anger builds up, the need to let that go is huge.... but that is what makes us who we are... you can control anger but passion and emotion is something you harness... it's the powerhouse in us.... it's what wants us to make a difference...

And we learn from that.... we all learn from that... i have in the past put my foot in it... and others do as well... and it happens.... the important thing is we move on and learn from it and embrace it....

So to all of you out there that are part of the fight.... for all of you that get despondent, get emotionally drained.... and sometimes just so bloody tired and angry.... thank you for being who you are.... and lets continue to use our emotion, our passion, and our power to move forward....

The time will come.... even if it seems so far away sometimes.... but we will have our time... inequality, discrimination and bigotry will be fought.....

Take Care :)

The Transgender Action Plan

2011-02-15T16:27:00.005Z

In the previous government a decision was made to formulate action plans for the LGBT communities, with people from these areas inputting what they felt were the important areas of inequality to be tackled.

It was quickly established that although there are issues common to people from the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender communities there needed to be a separate action plan for transgender people.

This plan is to be finalised and agreed and put into print by the end of 2011. In March of last year representatives from 27 different trans groups and organisations were invited to the Government Equalities Office in Victoria London for a days workshop, they broke out into small working groups to identify the key areas they felt needed addressing.

By the end of that day 11 areas were identified: Employment Education Discrimination Identity And Privacy Health Safety and Support Community and Capacity LGB and 'T' Researching and Evidencing Society Procurement and Services

The groups were invited back to London to continue working on these areas in December of last year.

Sadly the way the day was organised there was limited time to add specific issues to each area but a fair amount was added given the time and breaking out into 3 groups of around 10 in each.

The GEO then shared that there was little funding available to provide hosting facilities for groups to be able to meet up again, at this time it was agreed between groups that this had to have the biggest chance of as many people being able to input to it, no one trans organisation or group would be taking the lead but working together on the formulation, and that it was essential that as many transgender people could have the chance to input into this.

With no space being available the Consortium of LGBT Voluntary Community Organisations kindly offered two workshops during their annual conference and AGM in Leeds in January for more input to be worked on by using some space and working in groups.

Around 15 people attended and this again has added more information through more trans people being able to attend and add their own thoughts

Paula, a volunteer from GIRES has been compiling the input and action plan to date and GIRES have made the plan available to download...

That can be found here...

http://gires.org.uk/actionplanpdleedsconsolidated.pdf

If you would like to input to this plan the easiest way is to read through it, notice how things are written and write your suggestions in the same format... just write across, as the columns are headed...

For those that have microsoft word i have made some blank sheets which i can email to you to use and then email back in... send me an email to denise@spectrumlondon.org.uk with the title Trans Plan Templates and i will send them across to you.

At the workshop in Leeds it was felt that the plan had to shared out to trans people around the UK so that they could input in, and then once the data was collated a days exercise by various people would be tasked to summarise and produce an executive summary for the government to take on board and work with us to get into the action plan The opinion suggested by some is that the plan should comprise:

(a) actions the government can undertake in the near future
(b) actions the community itself can pursue without significant government support
(c) actions that, for now, remain longer term aspirations.

These 3 categories will be the template for the days exercise to have something to continue working with, showing commitment on what we can aim to do ourselves, along with future planning and working on the issues we feel the government would be best placed to achieve.

The LGBT Consortium have kindly offered to fund some space for the day in London for us to work through the information gained. This meeting is to be held on the 24th of March...Those who have participated in the previous three events will be invited to attend.

However if you were not previously involved and wish to be included please contact Mark Delacour at the consortium, his email address is:

mark.delacour@lgbtconsortium.org.uk

Once this is achieved we can then move forward with the GEO and aim to get as much as we realistically can into the plan. In order to get the input from everyone and to add to the current draft as it is we will need some time to do this so the cut off time for groups such as Spectrum London to able to pass this upwards would be the 25th of February.

All of the known trans support groups and organisations in the UK have been contacted, over 40 off these groups have been involved in the previous meetings... i would suggest you remind them in case they have not got the info out to you and then work to get your input sent in...

The Minister of State for Equality (Lynne Featherstone) made a holding statement to the House on 16 December: ‘In June 2010 we announced our commitment to publish the first ever Government action plan on transgender equality by the end of 2011. Work to develop the action plan is progressing. Our firm commitment is to work with transgender groups to develop the action plan. As part of this, to date the Government Equalities Office has held two informal workshops involving invited members of the transgender community to seek their views on what action is needed to tackle the inequalities they experience. I attended the workshop which took place on 6 December 2010. Our engagement with the transgender community will continue throughout 2011 as we continue to develop the action plan.’

I know that's a lot to read and if you have got to here thanks very much for reading, this action plan is your plan, the chance for YOU to input your views, there has been a growing tide of people saying that they are tired of the same organisations speaking for them but not actually speaking for them.

In this case you have the chance to ensure your points are known, to ensure not only that the Government gets an idea of what is happening, but that all of the groups participating in this can get an accurate feeling of what you think around the country...

So don't waste this opportunity... let them know what you want...

Happy Valentines

2011-02-14T14:30:00.002Z

Hiya :)

Well it's that day in the year again, Valentines day, where you get to say to your other half I Love You... for me the sentiment is more then just the one day...

I remember the first Valentines Day with Mike where he surprised me with an evening dinner at a posh restaurant near Holborn, hired a car to bring me in and proposed (Yes i did say yes by the way... ) and each year he surprises me when i think we are just going to have a quiet day.

It's nice and sunny here so i thought i'd make a cheese sarnie for lunch, grab a cuppa and sit out in the garden, it's not tropical but to sit out in the sun and enjoy the fresh air and watch the birds in the trees is bliss and something i'm enjoying more and more of...

Anyway, after an hour or so i popped in and nipped out to the front to grab something from the car... where i found a interflora card, "Sorry we couldn't deliver, have left the item 2 doors down..."

So off i trot to the neighbours, haven't met these ones yet and grabbed what i thought would be some flowers, but they were a big bunch of flowers hehe, and some champagne and choccies... so i would imagine it's a nice fun film and see what the choccies and champers are like tonight...

I couldn't do all the stuff i do without Mike, he is my tower of strength that keeps me going when sometimes I'd like to say enoughs enough.... if one person has done more for trans people and never gets any recognition for it it is Mike....

Thank you so much for putting up with me this long... oh and all the other stuff i throw on you as well :)

xxx

Internalised Transphobia

2011-02-14T12:15:00.003Z

We go on about how bad hate crime is... and how far spread it can be, but it's so quick to forget that it can be closer to home then you realise sometimes.

You can be a racist to someone of your own skin colour, you can pick on someone whos in a wheelchair and be in one yourself... and just as easy you can be transgender and be just as nasty to someone else who is transgender too...

Today i noticed in a forum a post operative trans woman indicating quite loudly that she was willing to out someone in public office who was trans too... and seemed to think it was ok, using the excuse of politics as some justifiable reason to do this... but lets take that out of the equation, she actually was thriving in the thought of doing it, and all we can hope is that she won't do so... but it shows that you can be cisphobic, transphobic, a racist or any kind of bigot to people that are on the same level as you, it goes across all boundaries and sadly shows the sad parts of humanity that we would like to get rid of... ignorance, fear and hatred...

We fight for equality for all, and still see people want to pull it all down by their own inadequacies

A lovely Birthday

2011-02-11T14:58:00.002Z

Hiya :)

Playing a little catch up... it was my birthday at the end of January, and Mike suggested that we go along to the Paradise Wildlife park for the day, we have been there a few times before so why not, and it was a lovely sunny day :)

What i didn't know was that mike had book a birthday surprise for me and i was to feed the Tigers there.... for those of you that know me enough i love cats... from little pet ones to especially the big ones... and tigers are my fave...

5 Years ago i got the chance to feed a tiger cub some milk in Thailand, now i was to get the chance to feed both of the tigers there, a white Bengal and a Siberian....

We met with the keeper that was going to take me to meet the cats, and mike was the cameraman with the camcorder filming everything.

Rocky, the Siberian is 13 years old, and 30 stone in weight, all muscle.... and though id love to give him a cuddle i don't think he would be interested...

Narnia the Bengal is 6, shes a lot more lively and only 13 stone....

It was a fun day and an emotional one... being up as close as the fence would allow was something special and something to remember....

Thank you Mike xxx

How not to run a support group...

2011-01-16T13:46:00.003Z

There are many stories of trans people on their first times out in public....

Some bite the bullet and launch themselves into the great unknown, having some level of confidence to go for it... many of them hit a wall doing it that way but all credit to them.... but for many people finding themselves, wherever they sit on the imaginary line of where they hope to be those early moments can be daunting....

Many find on-line support forums... sometimes a hit and miss there as well, some of the forums aren't heavy on any support... quite a few have pissing in the wind competitions.... frightfully boring really... so you go looking for a possible local support group... and if you are lucky you might find one...

Now you have to understand that there are many people that are questioning their gender that may not have dressed, or dressed at home, they may never have ever met anyone else before, and so the step to going to a support group is massive.... a big big move for someone, and indeed in the last couple of Spectrum meetings we have had around 8 people who had never met anyone else before...

That is a huge amount of effort... and it's up to us at Spectrum to try and make it the best we can.... usually we might have been contacted before, by people wanting to know what the meetings are about... so we are ready to meet these people, and although I'm usually busy whizzing around setting stuff up one of the others will be ready to chat and to be there as someone to be approached... everyone is equal at Spectrum meetings, no different levels... the bottom line is support, we are there to listen, people are there to share their experiences, we are very much a family feel wise with the group, we aim to empower others... to help them find some ground to be level on and i know we do that... and we have seen people come along for the first time, blossom and in some cases are now post op, happy and have moved on... and for me personally that's my job done....

For me and i know the others involved in running Spectrum the key is to ensure we provide something that's safe, that a level of trust is there, that we are looking out for those people that attend, that we listen, we react, we help and we look at making the meetings fun, informative, inclusive and supportive... and that might be a speaker, of a film night... or a discussion night... and of course we have the yearly picnic in the park... but what we always ALWAYS do is ensure the safety of the people that come along to our meetings, and we show everyone due and equal respect...

Like many Trans groups and organisations we get approached by people looking at doing research projects... with my work in the LGBT sector occasionally i know the people and trust them enough to be able to have them along to a meeting, but only after i have made sure the people on the mailing list know, that i fully push it out to other outlets, and something is up on the website....

We get people wanting to chat to people that are doing TV documentaries, and they always get a no in reply... sometimes we may share the details out in the mailing list so people who might be interested can do under their own steam but we would never have people from this line of work coming along to meetings....

We also get journalists also asking if it is possible to come to meetings, after the sad death of Sonia last year the press were fishing around all over the place and several approached us for comment, and if we knew anyone that knew Sonia... we immediately just said nothing and as many of you saw some of the articles proved that point.... but we would never EVER let a journalist, with a photographer to any of our meetings.... it's just plain common sense isn't it? I mean no support group of any experience would be silly enough to do that.....

Sadly there is... i read an news article last night from the East Midlands, where a support group agreed to let the journalist in, and a photographer but neglected to tell the people coming because they would stay away...

And of course many probably would have stayed away, but they didn't get the choice as to whether they wanted to... a poor lass whizzed off to the toilets when the photographer appeared.... at all events Spectrum has ever been involved in, all the LGBT conferences etc people that attend have the option to opt out of having a pic taken.... and they usually are given notice even before the event happens....

The whole point, as far as i see it with a support group is trust.....

Trust is an important grounding term... along with the word safety.....

Add to this the word privacy.... and respect.... and freedom of expression... which works both ways... people that want to and people that don't want to...

It's what a support group is about... you cannot run one any other way... to deny any of those people arriving at the meeting a chance to stay away is just so wrong.... that's not support... that's the opposite of support... something has seriously gone wrong for the facilitator of a group to decide to go against the grain... and know they are doing it too...

And what for the person on their first night out... turning up to find a journalist and a camera floating around, they may have spent weeks and months building up the confidence to make that jump... and it's smashed... it's destroyed.... that's something that's just been plain forgotten about....

I sincerely hope that it does not affect that group in a bad way, there will be people that will be upset, they may not openly say so either, and a big apology must be forthcoming to all of those people, and the person that made that mistake seriously needs to realise what they have done and the gravity of it, and learn from it at the very least.... we all make mistakes in life... but in the world of providing support this is a big one...

You know you are getting old...

2011-01-06T15:25:00.003Z

When you start reading the manuals....

Yes it's that countdown to my birthday in a few weeks.... like a clock... tick tock in my head.... ok well it's doing that anyway but scarily i am actually reading manuals more these days... i had this discussion with Mike when i got the new phone the other week... "Have you Read the manual" said he.... "Nope..." said I.... and my excuse was that they don't actually give you a manual with the phone... but i have downloaded it from their site... and read a little bit of it...

I didn't read the manual for the Sat Nav though... because that is in fact very easy... it's like using a windows 1.0 machine... no manual needed... but i did read the bit about the battery before i charged it....

Now the camcorder... thats a new challenge... battery is charged... got the thing out of the box.... and i am reading the manual.... which is quite.... challenging....

so many buttons..... so many buttons!

Ah theres the auto mode... thats ok then.... but i need to use all the buttons?! No? Yes?.... ok......

So whether it's me getting older i doubt it, but i seem to be developing the need for reading manuals... maybe it's some sort of addiction... maybe like writing 2 blogs in 2 days.... it could be catching.... or i might be OCD... well only when locking my car doors..... and did i turn the lights off... and did i put the bins out....... geeeeeeez

Take Care....

Denise
xx

Hello 2011

2011-01-05T14:56:00.002Z

Hiya,

It's 2011, it's raining, and it's time for the first blog of the year.... well it's gets the 2011 Denise Blog statistics working.... showing... one post...

Anyway Happy New Year to you all...

Today started off very strange, didn't get a lot of sleep last night, was up before Mike and took him to the station but I definitely didn't feel very well at all, although I did seem to shake it off by around Lunch time, maybe the left over curry I had gave it a kick, or the multivitimins, or the fresh air in the garden before it started pouring down, who knows but I would rather not have that again tomorrow morning.

Apparently it's tomorrow that the xmas decorations have to come down, so tonight is the last night of the lights in the windows and on the tree... it's going to feel rather empty without the stuff, but it won't be long before they are out for the next xmas break, it will creep up, just you see...

Well I'm on my new desktop computer, still getting to grips with a few things, like screen resolutions on this one but also it's just nice to have some speed for a change, it's like being in a Ferrari now instead of a Ford Model T, it just makes things so easier. I haven't got all the software on yet, and I have a few more gadgets to get to grips with as well like my phone, but I think all together it allows me to be much more efficient, and I like to be efficient... it's scary when I am...

New years resolutions, well I have a few, and most of them will stay with me for now, but they all add up to me wanting to be 10% more effective this year at least... thats in everything I do, personally, in support, in campaigning... I think 2011 has some very important stuff in campaigning, but it also has a lot of important stuff for me... in the last couple of years I have let the vital component go a bit, and thats me... i have neglected myself... with Mike, and my brother being so ill, the loss of my parents and other stresses things just got left behind in the Denise department... and I just pushed that in the background... well it can't stay there anymore... the crys of have some "me time " Denise have never been dismissed, I just placed them over to one side... but i promise myself, and Mike and the rest of you that thats changing... and to watch this space... lets say my aim is for a slightly different Denise to be enjoying a sunny afternoon at the Spectrum Picnic... there I have said it, a date, a point in time... and I will work to that... as well as other important issues....

It's going to be a tough year for everyone... but I have my extra goals and I will work on them... because i quite simply miss some of the old Denise on the outside... she hasn't gone anywhere on the inside... there are also other facets of me i need to develop again.... it's all part of the plan... so for a change it's going to be an element of me me occasionally.... because... I'm worth it (trys not to be sick at using that statement)...

I need to catch up with old friends, i need to catch up with people i have been meaning to meet... I need to get out and enjoy the sun more... oh and see more animals... the other day Mike and I went back to Paradise Wildlife park, and this time the Tigers were there too... and so I got to get my fix of big cats... and few days before that we nipped to the Raptor Foundation in Cambs... for my fix of Birds Of Prey... I very much love animals and wildlife... mike is challenging me to walk up some small mountain this year too, Scafell Pike i believe and I may... just may get back on a bike... so many maybes.... but hopefully more of those maybes will be i'm doings this year...

Anyway, I will leave it at that... because if I don't stop now this blog entry will get very long, and I have some subjects i want to touch in other entries and they are best left separate... so I will catch you soon....

Take Care :)

Denise
xx

And so another year draws to a close...

2010-12-31T23:14:00.002Z

Hiya....... :)

Well indeed within the next hour or so 2010 will be no more, another decade over, another starts... where will 2011 take us i wonder.... well i could write about that one another time....

2010 has been a challenging year for both Mike and I with some low points in terms of grieving to some fantastic highs.... and i get the feeling 2011 will be a fun year for challenges indeed...

I've set myself some tough personal challenges... i hope they come about, one of them for sure will be to catch up with friends we haven't had the chance to see for a while, to meet people we have been wanting to meet for a while and i hope to forge some new links in the battles of campaigning and supporting...

What is for sure.... that it will be as fun as it already is....

So to all of you that Mike and I know thank you all for being you... many thanks to those that have been there for us, you know who you are and thank you Mike as always with putting up with me... you have the strength of a 1000 men just to do that.....

See you all in 2011.... lets have a blast!!!!

Denise
xxx

TDOR - What It Means to Me...

2010-11-20T09:34:00.004Z

Hi....

Hope you are well...

Well today is November 20th 2010, International Transgender Day of Remembrance.... important day...

This is the 12th year of TDOR... which came together through the terrible murder of Rita Hester in 1998, a murder that has never been solved... from this the Remembering Our Dead Website project came to be and TDOR also from it...

And it's a day where we can come together and remember those that have died by hatred, prejudice and intolerance... to remember that these people were killed because of who they were and in some cases perceived to be who they were...

And that's how i see this day... and how i feel it must be kept for remembering that, and not watered down.... not changed into a general day of remembrance...

In my years of trying to give something back to the community, of making friends and seeing them take their lives i feel a piece of me goes with them... but i remember these people every day of my life... they were like brothers and sisters to me in that sense.... and like my parents they are with me everyday... they never died through being murdered, they died through illness or from not being able to cope....

I lost a friend in Austrailia earlier this year that i met in Thailand four years ago when we were both there for surgery and she struggled from day to day and in the end couldn't cope any more so took her life, and that gutted me, and mike.... but we've seen it before and we'll see it again....

But she took her life.... she wasn't murdered... she wasn't killed for who she was... and TDOR is the day that we come together to remember those people that were killed, and yes it is an awareness day for those that come along to events, to mark the day, they learn of the intolerance, they learn about innocent lives being taking away... it serves it's purpose for that... but for me i cannot let the day be watered down.... but that's my interpretation and i want people to understand that....

So i remember my friends all year round, i actually also remember these victims of killings too... but for me TDOR is a day we reflect on those that were killed...

And i will continue to fight for peoples rights all the rest of the year, i will continue to raise awareness for the rest of the year, to try and empower others to reach out and hope that we can help curb the intolerance a bit more in time...

But today i officially remember those that were killed for being who they were.... normal human beings who someone couldn't tolerate through a phobia....

I will never forget them, on this day of all days.... Transgender Day Of Remembrance.....

RIP...

Don't mention that T word....

2010-11-06T20:21:00.004Z

Hello!!!!

How are you all....?

Do you like the pic above? When mike and i were in Norfolk last week watching the birds Mike spotted this wonderful duck radio available in the shop.... with an interesting name.... :)

*Cue the shock horror music....*

Now hang on there for just a minute.... before you start writing off letters of complaint about the derogatory word, that it is an insultingly bad and hurtful thing for trans people remember this....

I don't think they were thinking of trans people when they decided the name.... ok....?

Honest.... I'm sure it didn't cross their minds.... but i can still hearing the sound of pens being written at ten to the dozen across sheets of paper.... so stop that right now.......

Which brings me on to the firewords of the same word.... T****Y being used in a stonewall DVD..... and how insulting that is... i agree it is terrible, it's ridiculous, it's farcical and in that instance it's offensive so please complain and raise your voices... in a assertive but fair way but remember this.....

"Houston... we have a problem...."

For as however many of us find the word T****Y offensive there is a big proportion of the "trans" community happy to use it, are using it on regular occasions, in everyday talk and have no intention of stopping using it...

In a well known on-line forum, named after a flower.... that can be pink, red, all sorts of colours and you can be an English one... they currently have a thread on the very subject.... 173 people have voted.... 126 of them have chosen the option.....

"T****y? Offensive? How could it be? I am one!"

72.83%

And that's not the only forum I've seen people openly using the term....

So when i say i agree that it's a problem word i agree with you... and it needs to be taken out of the DVD.... but if Stonewall turn around and say but hang on, there's a fair proportion of your own community quite happily using it what's going to be the answer?

How are the 72.83% in one forum alone going to be swayed to not use it any more when they don't see it as offensive...

That's the catch 22 situation folks... how to make others PC..... when we are not ourselves....

Answers on a postcard please....

And no.... do not write letters of complaint about the cute plastic duck radio....

Take Care :)

Time for some thoughts to tumble out...

2010-10-20T14:50:00.002+01:00

Hi :)

Sorry i haven't posted for a couple of months... i have had a sort of bloggers block... i have had stuff i wanted to share, I still have stuff like my thoughts on stonewall but like there are some great blogs out there already that are saying the same as I'm thinking... I might include a thought in here towards the end about how i feel we need to engage stonewall and keep dialogue going... because there is times where you have to make sure you heard, and then there's chat too... but I'll come back to that....

Many Thanks for the kind wishes in regard to my little accident last week in the car, i was out with Mike, we were on the way home after picking up the refreshments for the Spectrum Meeting that evening when i was in collision with a young cyclist....

The annoying thing was i was slowed right down looking for cyclists, coming to a roundabout in a leafy area, sun streaming down, kids everywhere and I was virtually crawling and i still didn't see him. It could have been so so worse... Mike and I were out of car like a shot, making sure he was fine, he was and so was his bike, the car had a dent and a small bit of other damage, that can be all fixed though and the important thing was no-one was hurt...

I was though very shaken up so we got home and quickly got some messages out to say the meeting was off, the email system wasn't brilliant and along with that and other things we could have done but didn't think to in the heat of the moment about 8 people turned up for the meeting. Thanks again to Suzi who rounded them up and a meeting of some sort happened in the pub around the corner....

It's been a bad couple of weeks for me... last Friday was the year anniversary of my mum passing away... I have tried to keep myself going but i have found myself thinking about her and the pain was there for me... so maybe the car incident was gonna happen anyway, it was not a good week last week....

A year ago, some 36 hours before my mum passed away I was standing in front of a good few of you at the Spectrum meeting, i was the warm up for Terry and Bernard from GIRES, I presented the Domestic Violence survey slide i had put together, the ones that I would have presented at The LGBT Health summit in Newcastle where i was about to head out the door to when i got the call that my mum had had her stroke.... the presentation i did at Spectrum last year was probably one of the most toughest i have ever had to do... yeah there was only around 40 or so people but the emotion i was going through was immense.... i held it together but it has come back to haunt me a bit over the last year...

I feel a bit of anger towards myself... and also the trans community... anger that as usual i put the needs of trans people first.... i feel guilt that i wasn't there with her, but i had been for several days, but had to come back for the Spectrum meeting and also a Equality and Human Rights Commission meeting... yes some of are saying you didn't have to... but i did, and i had to see Mike too, for a cuddle for reassurance and to keep myself focused.... but now i still feel this anger and shame, and guilt at putting others first...

It's something that's part of me, I inherited it off my mum, the bit inside of me that says i want to help, i want to try and make things better, that's where the campaigning has come along for me, it's another part of me in addition to the supportive me... and so I do these things...

I never realised how well Spectrum would go, maybe it's down to the hard work that I and others have put into it, but it's a beast in it's own right and even when i say maybe I should just walk away and leave things be... I can't

So last Thursday with a taped up car here and there Mike and I headed off up to Wolverhampton to stay the night after seeing my brother for the day, so it was quite eerie and upsetting in the early hours of Friday morning, one year to the day in the same city where mum died...

It was good to see my brother too, i worry greatly about him, anyone that has to take over 22 different prescriptions a day could be said to be unwell, the fact that he took the lead and took care of mum and dads estate shows he's got tons of the good stuff inside him... wish i could bottle it and sell it... :)

So Friday we went and visited Cosford air museum... I've been meaning for years to get up to it and so it was good to be there... took lots of pics of course... :)

During the last few weeks i have took some time to think about things from the perspective of trans support and campaigning and the ability for trans people to work together and with others to move forward.... and it is the weakest link... it always has been and it has to stop if there is any chance in the future...

I have to share my anguish from a London perspective... i see what is achievable in Manchester with TREC and wonder why cannot we do the same... and it's down to people realising that they don't actually have to agree with each other, or even like each other much to work together.... there is too much falseness... too much protocol and not enough realising that we need to just get on with it, work together for the common goal... there should be no competitiveness... it's what has screwed us up nationally before, we need to be able to communicate, to work together.... to ensure we don't end up duplicating work and effort... we can achieve so bloody much more if we do that.... so i plead really, lets stop the silliness folks, and kick arse.....

And so to my brief thought on stonewall...

Well they have sort of screwed themselves up a bit lately haven't they......

And we do have to make it known that we are not happy....

But what we need to do is ask for another chance of a chat... Several trans groups got the chance to go to Stonewall HQ... and have a natter... that would be good again but what I'd love to see is the chance of a panel discussion, with audience... and i hope a well behaved audience that doesn't have to shout and bicker and actually get Ben, and others to share that panel with trans people, and to discuss just what the problem is...

I know that there are just as many trans people that don't want Stonewall to be LGBT... but maybe they need to see the bigger picture, maybe the chance of a discussion like this will open up view points there too... but quite simply Stonewall have the ability to talk to people, to get the ear of people that very few people representing trans organisation do... and we need to learn from this....

And this brings us back to working together.... because i can tell you... i have fought burn out... i have managed this year to have the occasional break but I'm fed up of doing too much, i want us to work together.... there are battles we have to work on, from the media, to health provision, to discrimination and the equality act, to domestic violence, the list isn't endless.... but it's quite long....

I'll leave you now and stop my waffling, the eyes are a bit stingy too...

I just want to end this by saying thank you to Mike for his undying putting up with me and his continued and often overlooked work he does for trans people, thanks to my brother for being my big brother... and thanks to mum and dad, you taught me right from wrong... you gave me the chance to find my way, and both of you accepted what i had to do when the time came... and thanks Sooty the cat who knew far too much too...

I'm shutting up for now... but I'll be back....

Take Care

Time Flies

2010-08-06T21:39:00.002+01:00

A year already.... time goes fast sometimes...

A year ago to the minute in fact... that my father passed away....

I rang my brother a bit earlier to see if he was ok, we had spoken a few times on the phone during the day but neither of us thought we wanted to say anything during those conversations....

My dad was a right bastard at times.... but he was good many a time too...

Cisphobia..... just another phobia that needs to be tackled...

2010-07-30T14:53:00.004+01:00

Hellooooo!

Nearly the end of July, and my seventh post in a month..... goodness me where is it all coming from i here you say.... well if you don't then i am...

And if you are saying you are one of a few, i see there are just 10 followers of my blog (11 Hiya Hannah :) )... so many thanks to you... and with the RSS feed thingy into facebook going slower then the speed of our current Mayor Of London's Brain (3 days and still not there yet) you are the very few that read this....

Well this is the first time today i have actually sat down properly, i've been out and about most of the morning, and then mucking about setting a PC up to replace this one i am on.... it's given me 6 years of service, apart from a newer case and a couple of power supplies and the odd updating of drives and graphics the motherboard has done remarkably and all on 1 gig of memory and xp.... just shows that some of us still have the skills to be able to squeeze as much out of it that others are only able to do throwing RAM at it... the newer machine is about 3 years younger, so again not new but stable.... only prob is that there's so much stuff to copy across program wise and set up before i move other things across.... so it's taking time, but better not to rush these things.....

I just wanted to mention that Mike and I went to see Inception the other day using the Orange Wednesday thing because simply the cost of going to the cinema is so expensive i can understand totally why people pirate stuff... It would have been £17 normally for the two of us, we then had a large pepsi each and that would have taken it up to £24, for crap seats and a cinema that no-one could be arsed to clean from the showing before.... but regardless of that Inception is an excellent film, I'm proud to know one of me Friends Crissy was involved in making it and yet again she's been involved in a great film... so see it if you can spare the large amount of cash to do so...

And so to the subject of this blog...... cisphobia.... in a nutshell cis stands for those people that aren't trans.... i think that's the most easiest way to say it without having to go into specifics....

If you wanna know more pop to here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cisgender

So when trans people are being cisphobic it's against those that are not of the trans state of being.... and i hate it.... i actually quite despise it....

Now i understand and give a little slack, especially when transitioning and finding oneself then there's going to be an element of angst towards those that are not of the gender variant (yes i just said that) world... but the amount of slack i give to it is very low.... and whys that...

Because i hate phobias... i detest racism.... i detest homophobia and transphobia so I'm quite versed in hating cisphobia...

We struggle to combat transphobia, we hate it when people have a pop of us through misunderstanding, lack of awareness or plain bigotry and yet we are happy to do it ourself.

Mike has been quite upset about this over the years and i have seen it happen to him, even recently the other week at the picnic people had this issue "look it's a non trans person", the looks, the body language, the little comments.... i remember some of the comments once when we went to a transmission night (transmission was a monthly Saturday night thing in London).... the looks that killed, the comment why are they letting men in here that had me laughing, coming from someone that made Bounty advert people look like a goddess and was back in bob mode the next morning but i will switch bitch mode off ;)

It is absolutely absurd that trans people in particular would have issue with someone like Mike... who has worked his arse off to support me and others and the trans community as a whole, it upsets me that they do this to him and it also annoys me that in a sense they have no trust in me either... i happen to think i know him best then anyone else so surely that should be enough....

So cisphobia is something that i will challenge just as much as transphobia.... it is inherently wrong and i will in future have words with people i see or hear doing it, just a quiet word in your ear etc... i cannot fight transphobia unless i fight the phobia going in the opposite direction too...

Have a great weekend :)

LGB and T...... what are we getting worked up for...

2010-07-27T11:23:00.002+01:00

Eeeeeek.....

How far do i go with this blog post.... this is a post that i could rattle on for hours on.... putting both sides of the story.... setting the scene.... giving my viewpoint, sharing first hand experience etc etc....

But i think i've got to try and keep this quite short, cover the basics and then throw in the punchline obvious suggestion here...

Ok in a nutshell....

Life would be so easier if T was on the front of LGB, then i think gay people, straight people and well anyone else would understand....

Trans people can also be Gay, Lesbian, Bi, straight... assexual, pansexual... they can be anything they want sexually, but gender identity is another thing, and probably whoever put us on the end meant it to be the front and not the back.... if only they had put it at the front then a lot of the confusion from people just wouldnt be there....

Ok that's covered.... *winks*

Now to the paranoia that's going around because we have the "and T" being said.... some say (in a Jeremy Clarkson stig introduction voice) that this is a Coalition government thing as Lynne Featherstone says it a lot.... I say it isn't, because for several years of going to presentations and conferences and group meetings i hear stacks of people saying it that way, whether it's abbreviated, or using the names as it flows well... that's how i see it... i don't see it as a breakaway, maybe a subtle yes we have many similarities but there are distinctions that we need to have to cover the fact that not all Trans people are Lesbian, Gay or Bi.... because many aren't.... it's the constant blurring of sexuality and gender that confuses the crap out of people.... even the trendy word "cis" get confused... but lets face it... most trans people get confused with each other anyway so anyone who's on the outside has a right to be confused as well... because we never get our house into order (yep you can see where I'm heading with the sucker punch can't you...)

Monitoring forms, hatecrime forms.... we are either 3rd sexes (yes i know some trans people, particularly american trans people would like us to be a 3rd gender, but hey... there you go) or we are a sexuality.... then we have to put in the lovely "Is your gender different to the one you were born in" question in.... i could go on and on....

So now i set the scene vaguely there lets get to the old crunch of it....

"They never include us", They don't understand us", "I'm not gay", Why is my local group LGB", "Why don't they consult us", "Why do we never get asked", "T shouldnt be there, we should break away....", "Wheres the T equivalent of Stonewall"

All very familiar arent they.... if i shoved them in as tag words id have a killing in hits....

The simple reason why people do not understand us enough, want to work more with us, want to include is simple..... we never put ourselves out enough to be asked.... and plenty of us just expect to be asked.... sorry to rain on your parade but if you want a voice, if you want inclusion, if you want your LGB group to grow a T then you have to get involved....

Similarly if you want a Stonewall in the T world.... if you want to campaign for change.... then you have to get involved, you have to work together, you have to bury the chips on your shoulders, be prepared to work with people you don't like and work work work....

So if we have very little people doing that, along with the moaners that say do this but don't volunteer then change will never happen....

For me i still believe the T needs the LGB but with the fact that we are proving we can stand on our own feet, and we have started to walk and not crawl, we eat solids and we can burp without our backs being rubbed.... we have evolved but in order to keep growing then people have to get involved.... the youth encouraged, the older people there to help and share experiences, the diplomats, the volunteers.... get into the groups that have never had a T input and share it... help them with inputting on surveys... support your existing trans groups and organisations in any way you can.... it doesn't mean outing yourselves in doing that either.... petitions.... work behind doors, financial and physical resources....

We have come a long way, but the road hasn't been finished yet, lets use our energies to combine and conquer rather then fight and alienate....

Back To Bletchley Park

2010-07-27T10:20:00.010+01:00

Eeeek me again..... told ya i had some writing in me to do.... and there's plenty more i can tell you.... i need to get some stuff out of my system so stand by for some hard hitting blogs coming your way because things do have to be said....

I make no bones about it.... in terms of war i find the 2nd world war the most fascinating.... i grew up doing history on both the 1st and 2nd world war.... i grew up in Farnborough where my love of planes comes from and the sound of a merlin or griffin engine has the hairs on me neck stand up... i simply believe, in fact i know that the UK's best and last stand was the 2nd world war.... the battle of Britain and many of the other battles cost lives of many hundreds of thousands of soldiers and civilians... the costs were high.... but they would have been a lot lot more had it not been for the likes of Bletchley Park and the code breakers.... if you haven't had the time to research or look up about the place then do so, if you have never been there then really please try and go there.... for it is one of the most important places this country has ever had....

You may have seen the terrible but quite amusing U-571, based around apparently the US finding the enigma machine and saving the world... when in fact they never were in the war by then and it wasn't them, it was the Polish that did the ground work and got 2 out of there to Paris and London, without their brave work we wouldn't have had that chance....

Anyway this isn't going to be a history lesson because i want you to have the chance to learn just how damn good our code breakers were and how much crap some of the people got through the war from people who didn't know what they were doing and branded them cowards.... the place was so so secret that many people didn't realise they had relatives working there... One of my aunts was there during the war... and like many has never made much effort to say anything about it...

Many things had been moved around since we were last there, and this stems from the condition of many of the outbuildings.... they are and have been falling down for years.... and some of them have trees growing out of the roofs.... these buildings housed the very people that were able to break codes, stop strategic attacks happening before they did, they knew what Hitler was upto before many of his commanders did, and yes they knew Pearl Harbour was gonna happen too.... shame the US didn't wanna listen though....

So please, if you can ever make it across to Bletchley Park then do so, you also get the chance to visit the National Museum of Computers which is another place that Mike and I love.... they also desperately need help too, they are not a part of Bletchley Park even though they are there so make the time to visit them and perhaps pop a few quid in their donation boxes...

Heres some pics of the day....

Take Care....

Colossus - Fully Working

The Annual Spectrum London Picnic

2010-07-27T09:42:00.003+01:00

Hello,

Hope you are all well, I'm kinda feeling off colour a bit due to stress and stuff, and under orders from Mike to relax a bit if i can, which i'm trying to and i have a weird head at the moment pain wise, it's not quite a migraine, it's not quite a headache but some things there niggling me...

So I'm taking the time to catch up the blogs so here goes with the blog on the Spectrum London picnic...

You know back in the days of Spectrum Haringey i don't think we ever thought things would be where they are now... we started off as a group started up after the Met Police asked if we could do something to quickly expand like we did, we soon had people coming along from far and wide, asking us if we could go central which we did and we've been involved in all sorts of things over the last three and a half years nearly.

It's been hard work but seeing people come to us in their early days of finding themselves, gaining confidence and moving on from there is so rewarding and generally raising the awareness both in London and also very much Nationwide is something i'm quite proud of, meeting some lovely people on the way.... and lets remember Spectrum wouldnt be where it is without the people that attend the meetings, that get involved and support the group so a big thanks to all of you for that...

One of the other things that's become an institution for Spectrum London is the annual picnic in the park, in Hyde Park, we never realised how big this could get...

For three years now we have been blessed with good weather on the day and yet again we got a dry day... in 2008 we had around 30 people come along which quite blew us away, in 2009 we had 50, and this year we by all accounts nearly hit the 60 mark, with people coming from all around the country, and beyond notably Norway...

The weather was great, Mikes Vegan Chocolate cake was great (next year we are adding home made ginger ale) and it was good to see so many new faces as well as people i have come to know well over the last few years.

We already have the date for next year, that's Saturday the 16th of July, 2011, same time, that being 2pm and the same place, which will be on the website as always... so make sure you have nothing that clashes with it and we look forward to seeing you again...

A Day out at Paradise Wildlife Park

2010-07-20T16:32:00.007+01:00

Hellooooo...

Crikey so many blogs to write, so little time, times are quite challenging at the moment emotionally as well as anything else... just writing this is a small bit of escaping them and a nice diversion....

July 3rd, 2010 was Pride London day, so in true lets escape it Mike and I headed off to see some big animals at the Paradise Wildlife Park, the day was very hot and sunny and the park soon go very packed with lots of screaming children.... should we feed them to the crocodile... the thought did cross my mind....

It was a fun day, a chance to try the car out on a nice run on an open road, the parks not that far, about 25 miles out of London....

Next years pride might be a bit different, they promise to be involved with the London groups and learn from the previous years mistakes, and they have a decent person now to be the go between.... so here's to 2011, but i don't promise i'll be there if the call of the wild takes me... :)

Here's some pics.... enjoy and see you soon.... and i promise, some very meaty and emotional rants will be happening very soon.....

Chillin in the shade

Bored.... now give me the frickin Apple!

It's dead clever being double jointed...

"Anyway.... so there was a English man, an Irish man and a chimpanzee...."

It's not easy being this cute.... i chase pigeons in my spare time....

A Day at Barnes Wetland Centre

2010-07-09T17:17:00.008+01:00

Mike and I are avid animal fans... my fave is big cats but i like all sorts of animals and we were permanently attached to the telly whenever possible to watch Springwatch...

Mike had already mentioned a trip to the Wetlands Centre over in Barnes and after it was featured on Springwatch a plan was hatched to go and see it one Sunday, which we did in June...

So on another hot day we hit the Piccadilly line and headed off to Hammersmith where we caught the bus for a short ride to the wetland centre itself....

The place is brilliant, it's one of several wetland centres and part of the Wetland Wildlife Trust and we enjoyed it so much we took out a years membership and hope to get around the country to visit a few more.... hopefully the others will be a little bit quiter not being under the flightpath for Heathrow.... it was relentless plane after plane... how i wish we could have visited when the volcano was doing it's thing in Iceland. Still i got to see the massive airbus as it slowly flew across... but it didn't come close to watching a kestral hunting....

Heres some pics of the day.... :)

Rowena Cade and The Minack Theatre

2010-07-08T08:15:00.011+01:00

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ooops.... i am so far behind with my blogs, i have about 4 or 5 lined up and they are all in my head, they haven't been written yet... soooooo i best get on with them :)

This blog is a final Cornwall one and it's one that i promised to write because it affected me a bit and i know it affected mike for other reasons, and you need to read his blog for that..... go on.... you know you want to....

Anyway.... on a lovely sunny day with hardly a cloud in the sky in May, and quite warm too we headed off to Minack theatre.... now i could waffle on all day about this place.... because it is simply wonderful... An outside theatre, built in the rocks of the cornwall coast, with terrific views of the sea as backdrop but i hope the extra pictures i'll add here in a minute will give you an idea, and encourage you to go there... but what inspired me so very much was the creator of the theatre, Rowena Cade and how she created this place through many years of hard work and literally by hand....

If you go to the theatre during the day there is an exhibition and short film detailing her life and how through sheer determination and effort she created this theatre.... i will let you do the research and i hope you spend the time to look her up but one moment has stuck in my head where during her later years a ship carrying wood ran aground on the rocks and had large lengths of heavy wood that would be useful for building works she found.... even though she was in her late sixties she carried these bits of wood up the steep face of the rocks promply used them... When government officials came looking for the wood and seeing if locals had taken any of it they dismissed the possibility of an elderly woman being able to carry heavy wood up from the sea.... how little did they know the strength of this woman....

She's an inspiration to me, and joins the list of others that have inspired me over the years that if you want to get something done then many a time the best way to do that is yourself...

Thank You Rowena for providing us with a great legacy which i hope we will have for many years to come....

Cornwall......... we will see you again soon...

Some more Cornwall

2010-06-08T09:15:00.013+01:00

Hellooooooooo!

Crikey i have so much suddenly on that i have not been able to get these blog entries in and i have some slightly more serious let off steam things i want to have logged down as we for posterity so i best get on with things...

Damn i missing Cornwall, i'm missing being away from the smoke, London has it's good points, don't get me wrong on that but the ability to try and have balance in your life can be challenging with a bit city, that might sound strange to some and maybe i'll explain that over a coffee sometime...

Anyway back to Cornwall... i still have a separate entry to come on our visit to the Minack theatre and i may go ahead and do it straight after this, so watch out for multiple entries in the blog hehe, but here goes with some more pics shortly from Pendennis Castle, Porthleven and Land End...

Pendennis Castle is down in Falmouth and is an excellent place to visit, so much to see there that you could easily spend all day there, we timed it well with our break away not to have too many kids around, thats not being nasty, it just meant some peace, what was really amazing was the lack of wind that day, it was very calm at sea, so calm in fact that we had the extra bonus of watching the Lifeboat do some winch training with the sea rescue helicopter too... the casle was built by King Henry VIII and has protected our shore all the way through the years including the world wars... so there is literally tonnes to see, well worth a visit.

Porthleven is a little port just outside Helston, we've been there before and funnily enough we ended up at the same little cafe for some cake and a cuppa before wandering up to the seafront. It was nice and sunny that day and not that windy either, a perfcet stop on our way for a brief visit to Penzance where we stopped and i looked at the watch and thought sod it, let's carry on to Land's End...

Land's End was closed.... still had to pay for the car park, the hotel and pub were open but the season hadn't started of course so it was eerily quiet, but good too... We discovered that the famous sign is locked away, it's another family run company that has it there on their patch of land, and you have to pay to stand next to it... as you will see Mikes standing next to where it usually is...

For me to pop there and look around and see how it's changed a fair bit since my parents went there was quite emotional... both happy and sad... wherever i am by the sea my parents are there too...

We'll be back to Cornwall i hope later this year.... anyway... here's the pictures.... xxxxThe Castle Entrance

Looking out to sea

One the "friendly" older guns

Porthleven

Land's End Beacon

Where's it gone?

The First and Last House

And so to Cornwall

2010-05-27T16:05:00.009+01:00

The day after the scattering of the ashes we are up for breakfast at the "wonderful" pub next door, well the foods great but the service is crap... we said our goodbyes to my brother and Sarah his wife and headed off to St Austell, having a break half way for a snack and cuppa...
We found the cottage, watched the spanish grand prix as i managed to get there in time for us to do it, grab some food from the nearest Tescos and got settled....

I noticed in the guide book with the cottage where the nearest beaches were and just wanted to be sitting on one, so we jumped in the car and 10 minutes later and down a nice narrow winding road (and there's plenty of them in Cornwall) we found porthpean beach.... i just wanted to be there, where it was lovely and quiet, just the sea lapping in, and a nice sandy beach with some rocks and rock pools... the start proper of a week away, a week away from everything, to relax and enjoy the sights... and not have any trans crap to deal with... no emails... no questions.... no phone calls, no meetings.... just time to let it all go and relax... heres some more pics of porthpean... a lovely start... remember if you are seeing this as notes you will have to go to the blog properly to see all of them....

And so we were settled... and during the week there would be lots of visiting places, seeing things, driving, seeing the sea... and i'll share a few more pics... i don't want to bore everyone so i'll share some of the highlights, and i will do something special about the Minack Theatre which was a spectacular part of the week... as was visiting Lands End, and St Ives... and.... well you'll see....

Scattering of the Ashes

2010-05-22T14:03:00.002+01:00

Hi :)

And so the journey south was soon to happen

For some time the chat between my brother, sister and myself was where we could scatter the ashes of the parents... and really the only place we could think of was Weymouth in Dorset...

Weymouth was always a favourate for my parents, particularly my mum, in some of the family pictures over the years plenty of them were of Weymouth, whether on the beach, or up near the Ferry Terminal at Nothe Fort and Gardens... so it seemed logical for that to be the right place to do this...

We were all going to stay in a hotel down there, and Mike and I chose to go down a day earlier so we could look at various places and see where it would be best to do this...

We picked the car up, packed everything for that weekend and the week in Cornwall after and headed off down... the hire car was ok... once you got it up to 70 it would be happy there, it proved a challenge on the steep, narrow and twisty roads you find in Cornwall but more of that later including the close eye moments with tractors and buses and Lorries....

We got down to Weymouth, settled in the hotel and had a bite to eat choosing to explore around in the morning.

I myself have very much a close bond to Weymouth and especially Bridport along the coast, when i was younger i would regularly take off to spend time with friends down there, when i was younger still i used to go down in the car for the day with the parents... watching the boats coming in and out of the harbour and the ferry...

Mike and i spent some time checking a few places out.... nipping over to Portland but when it came to it we could only think about the Nothe Garden and Fort area being the best for the scattering... Mum and Dad had the choice up there to almost have a 360 degree look around, from the Ferry and Harbour, to the fort and around to look across Newtons cove, Portland Harbour and to Portland itself.... there really wasnt anywhere else that clicked so well...

We popped back to the hotel, waited for my sister and Brother and their partners to arrive and then we went back to the gardens, parked up and walked down to Newton's cove....

The tide was out slightly and slowly on it's way in when we found a rock pool that seemed a great place to do this, my sister spread my fathers ashes and i spread my mothers... there was little wind... when the tide would come in the ashes would be off to sea, together... exploring places new....

We all sat just up from the spot for a bit.... and shared that moment before we headed off back to the hotel for dinner and then our separate ways the next day... with us heading off to St Austell...

I suppose you can say it's closure.... that's what they say it is... for me it's still quite raw.... another piece of time and space links me to Dorset and the south west, and in fact on our way back through we stayed in Weymouth for a night as it was half way home... and i welled up inside as we sat by weymouth bay in the sun....

we'll be back i'm very much sure in the coming years....

It was time to get away...

2010-05-20T19:18:00.003+01:00

And get away we did.... the weekend for the scattering my parents ashes were fast approaching, i was near burn out with other things and issues with campaigning and support and i was reduced to tears knowing Mike and I needed a break away, added to that was the loss of 2 people taking their lives that we knew well and it hit us very much emotionally...

Mikes manager Dorothy was also a good friend, she had catered at our commitment ceremony back in 2005... and it came as a massive bolt out of the blue, especially as Mike had spoken to her on the phone before... they had worked together for over 9 years, it hit him and the rest of his colleagues badly, in fact the whole department where mike works, and for the team having people constantly coming into the office to give their respect it was like one massive continuous mourning situation, she was a lively and strong willed woman, and we got to pay our respect to her in a different way down in Cornwall, of which i will mention in a later entry.

Paige was a friend we made in Thailand... i had been back at the hotel a few days in Bangkok when she arrived from Australia with her friend Frances, both girls were there for their surgery too... Paige and I hit it off quite quickly, she had a love for Formula one and in particular Mark Webber, and we would argue who was the best driver around, she was a petrol head and had a very colourful life, one that involved countless missions and operations at night.... i'll leave you to your imagination with that.... i hadn't spoken to her online for a while, what with time zones we tended to either see each other online or not... and i was just about to leave an online forum i had popped in when i saw a thread on her there and looked in.... that one hit hard for me.... seeing friends take their lives never gets easier, and i've known a fair few over the years now...

So with very little time to prepare i searched quickly for someone for us to stay, found a cottage down near St Austell, extended the car for another week and so began the 10 days and 1260 mile break away...

So the next few blogs entries over the coming few days will talk through the moment of the scattering of the ashes, and then catalogue a bit of the time we had away in Cornwall... where a good time was had, where we escaped all of London town, all of the trans issues others were experiencing.... actually having time for us, to just relax and take in some absolutely brilliant sights and some lovely weather too.... and of course lots of scrumpy too........ "hic"

Because facebook tends to only shove up the one entry at a time any of you that are following my blog entries would be best to remember the web address and look in that way which is:

http://denisejanderson.blogspot.com/

Take Care

Denise

Being Open and Transparent

2010-03-05T15:30:00.002Z

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It's Friday and what a lovely early spring day... a bit chilly but very nice indeed... just got back from popping into town to meet Mike for a Thai veg buffet... and it was lovely.... crikey look I've just been quite open and transparent.... and you know there are times you can be... and just as many times you can't.

I'd just like to wave to some people that will undoubtedly be reading my blog, for some strange reason, and probably sharing it around, or emailing or pming my friends in facebook telling them they must read so I'd like to thank those people so much for trebling my readership... awfully damn good of you to do that..... :)

Anyway.... today's pic on my blog is somewhere quite famous, and I'm sure some of you will recognise it.... and if you don't I'm going to tell you anyway.... it's a picture of Bletchley Park....

Bletchley Park is probably one of the most important places ever in terms of the 2nd world war and somewhere that helped for sure to shorten that war... It was the home of de cyphering... where the codes used by the Germans and their allies were broken, in particular the enigma machine... now you may have seen U571, that submarine film where Jon Bon Jovi gets his head blown off (probably the best bit of the film), and where the US changed the story to make out they were the first to find the machines... unfortunately that isn't quite true, the Poles did but thats another story and not for this blog, the point is that it was at Bletchley Park that 100s of people worked on cracking the codes.... it was a very well kept secret... people were able to keep very quiet about what they got up to there..... there wasn't any hint of transparency was there.....

Of course the Germans knew we were breaking codes, that's why they kept adding wheels to the enigma machine and changing codes... but we kept breaking those codes......... what we didn't do though was say....

"Attention German Forces... in the spirit of open and transparency id just like to tell you that we have broken your codes and we are currently sending 2 squadrons of bombers, with fighter escort to blow you up..."

Now i can see in the spirit of transparency and openness how that could be conceived to be sporting.... but in terms of war it might have been a bit silly to do....

"Hi... Adolf... we are just about to invade the french coast.... at here..... here....... and here, feel free to shoot us...."

Nope.... it's very sporting i grant you.... but wouldn't be very good for the troops.... and their families.....

And it's the same in many things, such as campaigning and negotiation...

If you are campaigning and working say with Primary Care Trusts, or Specialist Commissioning groups you aren't likely to see them telling you everything they are doing... and you really aren't going to tell them all of your strategies and plans are you.... well are you?

If you are dealing with a Gender Identity clinic and have regular meetings unless it's public domain you aren't going to go around telling each other and everyone else what you are up to are you....

If you are about have a general election and you are in the conservative party are you likely to be totally open and transparent with the Labour Party.... are you going to tell them everything you plan to put in the manifesto.... of course you are not going to....

Can we now see where i am getting at here....

When dealing with the likes of a Primary Care Trust you have to work pro-actively, you have to play the game, of course you let slip things on both sides when you are posturing... of course you negotiate and work to come to an agreement, or to change something.... but you DON'T..... EVER.... SHOW.... YOUR.... HAND....

When peoples lives are being directly affected, and they are already being careful in how they are dealing with agencies for anyone to suggest that they should be willing to share everything out and that they are wrong for not doing so is sheer lunacy, selfish and stupid.....

No PCT, or SCG, or local government... or government office will be willing to work with an organisation who does not understand the word confidentiality.... and that........ as they say..... is as simple....... as that..........

Have a good weekend all... and remember..... if you tell the tooth fairy you've pulled a tooth out don't expect any money in the morning.... ;)

Fight for your Health Care...

2010-02-28T10:07:00.003Z

Yesterday Mike and i attended the Save the Whittington Hospital Accident & Emergencies Department march, from Highbury to the hospital itself...

Over 1000 people were in that march, although the likes of ITV and BBC said 100s... people from all walks of life, from MPs and union representatives, young and old from someone who was 104 to young children and babies with their parents being wheeled along in chairs.

Half of the Holloway Road (A1) was closed for us to march... i have never seen so many police motorcycles in ages... apart from a small drop of rain the sun came out and we marched to the entrance of the hospital where an excellent rally and speeches from the likes of Frank Dobson were greeted with a united front... we will not lose our A&E...

For those that are interested, heres what the situation is... somewhere some nice people have been employed to work out ways in saving money in the health service... apparently it's going to make things much more efficient to close the A&E and other important services at the Whittington and that other hospitals, along with Polyclinics will ensure a better service....

I live in the borough of Haringey, the borough that once upon a time had many hospitals, now we have one, St Ann's... the one made famous by the Baby P incident... it is a shadow of nothing, it hasn't an A&E, it's more like a cottage hospital in a small west country town, in fact i saw the one down in Bridport the other week that was 10 times better.... in our part of Haringey we very much rely on the whittington, and Mike has been in that A&E quite a few times... we have got used to the place quite well... and they have literally saved his life...

Janice, our dear friend and other founder member of Spectrum London passed away at the Whittington, they looked after her in her last days with amazing care, compassion and support.... i have nothing bad to say about the place at all... it is simply an excellent hospital...

The plans being looked at are for the A&E to close, and that patients will have to go to the Royal Free.... now most of us have heard of the golden hour.... that critical time that affects life or death.... if you have a heart attack, or a stroke... every minute of that golden hour is precious...... so you can imagine that if it's going to take over 15 minutes more to get to the royal free, over a quarter of that golden hour then people are going to die.... people are going to end up in a worse state then they would have been if they had made it to the Whittington.... we don't have the air ambulance at night.... so quite simply people will die.....

There is a huge section of older people that live up in the catchment area of the Whittington, they rely on the closer hospital in all ways, and they will end up losing their lives....

I think you can see i'm a little passionate about this.... the NHS have done wonders over the years.... they made my mother comfy in her last days after a major stroke, they look after my brother the best they can, they looked after my father.... the NHS was the envy of the western world.... we pay for these services... so why has the priority been dropped.... why is it that Billions can be found for banks..... but the amount of money needed to sustain our health service UK wide is a fraction of that....

We know that savings are to be found in the NHS.... it's simple... get rid of half of the "managers" that have sprung up over the years.... a manager for this, that and everything else, a spokesperson here there and everywhere, numerous committee members that suck the resources dry.... they are the people that need to go, and that money ploughed straight back in, plus whatever else is needed.... all lives are precious... illnesses can be cured.... lives can be saved.... it's a no brainer exercise....

We all need to spend the time to look at what's going on and become involved, sign petitions, write letters, attend meetings, hand out leaflets, engage with each other.... many people have let that lapse for too long....

We are losing our health services.... our emergency services.... and we have to realise that these are lifeline and that we cannot let them go....

Trust...

2010-02-27T09:00:00.002Z

Trust is a strange thing....

If you don't try to trust then things can become messy...

If you don't trust someone things can become messy...

If you try and trust someone things can still come out messy...

If you honesty think you can trust someone things can still end up messy....

But... you never know unless you try to trust someone in the first place....

Scary innit....

Still i have learned again these past few days that sometimes you just have to try, and when people you trust turn out to be sleaze balls then you were proven right... thats does not make it pleasing though...

"Ive had enough.... i'm leaving"

"Im having trouble letting go"

"Oooops now i'm staying"

Just be aware of trusting someone that thinks and talks like that....

Truth, honesty, integrity... and then the other way...

2010-02-24T12:52:00.002Z

Heya :)

I couldn't think of a better title to this but when i get to that bit it should make sense...

Well hello to all of you, and thank you to any of you that read this.... it's been a bit of a funny day today, things are going ok, tasks etc today, up nice and early, got mike sorted and out to work, done a few things.... have a go at the JH mob....

Yep the JH mob.... you know thet lot that follow a book written 1000s of years ago and anyone should do the same.... anyway had a long chat with them and they decided to go... telling me it wasnt because i wanted to them go like....... *grins...* so a result there...

Anyway, updates.... many thanks to the kind words of all of you in terms of my parents... it's been a tough few months thats for sure but i'm moving along.... my brother seems a bit better, still not well, mikes a lot better now but it's been a very very challenging few months thats for sure.... but they say these things are here to try and here to make you so i hope they will go some way to shaping me further in life... i certainly will do my best to continue making my mum proud....

So todays blog.... it's a bit of one of them kind of blogs where i explain a few things some the bleeding obvious, some not... etc etc.... but i wanted it here as a record really, the truth shared... the truth known kinda thing... plus i hope it's kinda useful too...

As some of you know for about a year and a bit i was part of a campaigning group... of which i will not name but hey you that know know but i wont name it in respect of people still in there.... This organisation was set up as previous ones had a habit of doing stuff and not actually including anyone in what they were doing, they were good at grabbing the info but never feeding back, so it was frustrating.... so a new group was needed... and this new group was going to be more open to people, that appealed to me because quite simply if you are going to ask for peoples input you have an obligation to share the outcome back... so i joined....

During the year a few highlights of good happened... we did some good with the equality bill, even got involved in doing a survey to find out what people wanted and we worked with that.... brilliant, that's just the stuff and that's what i hoped would continue.... but the leader of the group i have just left wanted more... she wanted complete openess and transparency... a noble idea... but an idea that just doesn't work...

Local government, national government... all sorts of agencies do not work in that way, you have to play their game, if they have one whiff you are a group that's going to share stuff out then they wont work with you... and that's the same for established trans organisations... there is info you never share with each other, work plans, policy, you don't do that, and yes it would be nicer if there was more sharing but it doesn't happen for obvious reasons...

So the owner of the forum and the group carrys on insisting on openess and transparency, even when we needed private working areas for campaign work on issues regarding the equality bill and NHS work she reluctantly gave them to us but didn't like it and continued to say they were not needed, even when i pointed out that there were meeting i were attending where people would not be happy she still insisted that i was wrong and she had never had that experience... well tough because i know it's the case, i cannot share stuff from meetings unless i know it's public domain, and that's stuff i do NHS, EHRC and other meetings... that's the way it is, that's the way it has to be to get to the table to be heard... we could take the other way and scream and demo i suppose but then we'd be ignored totally....

In addition to this problem with the group owner and boss not liking us breaking the openess and transparent ethos i started to be questioned about any decision i made, such as deleting a user... it got to the stage that i had to justify anything i did in there... it was ok for the boss to claim the glory of how we were going campaigning wise, and it was great that people such as myself were attending meetings, but it didn't stop the nasty emails coming through my inbox... and the passive aggressive stuff i was subjected to...

In the end she decided to have a hissy fit and decide she had had enough and that she doesn't want to be there any more... and so the stalemate continued... and the silliness continued behind the scenes until finally i had enough so i deleted all my posts (something i abuses my admin powers to do) and left.... now yes it isnt the way to do things usually but i had had enough of the silliness and there has been some silliness...

Last year someone else in this group decided in a letter to the prime minister to slate 2 other established organisations of which we had to apologise... i was deeply ashamed of that and the fannying around it took to get to the decision of saying sorry to the other groups... then the group cocked up by the owner sharing a document by another organisation she shouldnt have done... it did funnily cause something useful to happen but it was another example of openess and transparency going mad... one of the final nails in the coffin was a few months ago when she went against her own openess ethos and agreed to exclude someone from the equality bill campaigning, breaking her very own rule...

In trying to get the ear of government, whether it's MPs, Lords, whether it's dealing with a PCT or someone in local government you have to play the game, build a level of trust in, with reputation... i have done that and i was not prepared to see someone so adamant in her view overriding others and destroying peoples reputation... along with the nasty emails i decided it was time to move away, it was stifling interest in people wanting to campaign on anything, there was no direction and it frustrates and saddens me that i had to make this move.... in an ideal world more openess would be great, but to progress in a battle you have to realise the war you are in.... it takes time to be accepted at the table and i wasn't willing to be kicked off it for someone else's vision...

And yet the owner of that forum/group/organisation still believes i have some motive for what i have done.... i suppose if you look at it the only one if i had one which i don't is self preservation... i want to continue to support, to campaign, to do all i can and i cannot let someone take my legs away from me in that regard... as my partner says quite well... there are people dying out there....

Take Care

Denise
xx

Another Year is drawing in...

2009-12-11T17:49:00.002Z

Heya...

Yep 2009 starts to run down and a new year approaches.... and for me i can safely say i can't wait...

This year has been a testing one... first Janice early in the year passing away was a sad moment for Mike and I, someone that for her age had a glint in her eye and a show along with a show of strength and determination she had... if i can find half the strength she had i'd be glad... one special lass gone...

Then summer came and went, the highlight for me being the picnic in the park... 50 people turning up from around the country.... the weather holding out.... seeing people i hadn't seen for ages was good too...

And then August came and my father passed away... for the family we had had time to preapre a bit, he had been in the home for a good few months... we knew it would end this way, for my mother she showed little emotion that day although it hit her... they had been together for 64 years... a hot August day and we said goodbye to dad... and mother was to start a new life, to make the most of her last years up near my brother...

Her strength had got better and better, she was happy alive... making plans for a cruise, see a little of the world she sacificed for most of her and then bang.... a massive stroke and those plans were gone... to see my mum after for several days after, slowly sinking away was so much to bare.... less then 2 months after my dad had gone, my mum passed away to be with him....

For me and the family this wasn't something we had expected.... they say usually when one goes the other follows but we had simply no idea.... whenever i think of mum my eyes sting, they well up.... they are right now as i type this.... i miss her very very much....

Yesterday my parents house was sold.... a final chapter gone, for me that chapter was a couple of weeks ago when i and Mike joined my brother at the house and we went through things... i had my own remembrance that weekend just after trans remembrance day... folding up clothes... going through memories.... and then finally saying bye to the house that i moved into with them.... another chapter gone... and the town i was born in ebbed away on the train as we left to come back to London Town....

On top of this Mike has continued to not be that well, it's been an immense challenge to do some of the stuff i have been doing with this all happening.... and i have no idea how i cope... and how i am still coping... i am having moments of release.... i get sad when i remember things but i know that 2010 will be better, because it has to be... :)

We haven't given up with the equality bill either.... one more stab with the lords to go....

Next year will be a catch up year too, to go and visit people i have not been able to, because things got in the way...

So as this is probably the last of not many blog posts this year i just wanted to say thank you to those of you that take the time to read me waffling on, and that i will be back next year with some more....... so have a lovely Christmas, and a great new year..... and always remember...... never let the bastards wear you down...... :)

Denise
xx

Today we Remember - Transgender Day Of Remembrance

2009-11-20T10:03:00.004Z

Today is always a difficult day for me...

Today we remember those brothers and sisters, some we know, some we don't who have passed away due to violence, or driven to suicide through humiliation and ignorance.

To me it is also a time when all factions of the Gender Variant population on this planet can come together and remember, and reflect on where we have come, how things were, and how things are still for many people around the world, in countries where tolerance isn't a word in their dictionaries...

But even in the countries where "tolerance" is apparently there, many people suffer abuse, humiliation, cruelty, bigotry and for some, real violence.

In the last couple of months in the UK we have lost 2 trans women, through murder, we do not know the full circumstances but it was down to ending their lives violently, and for what? Ignorance? Prejudice? misunderstanding? Hate? One of them will probably be in the answer... the reason that this happened...

To us we feel we are in the normality, we are who we are, it's never been a "Lifestyle Choice" that politicians, civil servants and government officials and even some medical experts claim, it has been our core. We never chose this to be, for many of us we tried to fight it before embracing it and realising that we are who we are, and that doesnt mean we are freaks, or strange, or weird.... but to many we are not in the "normal" world that they see...

We face discrimination, we face misunderstanding, we know that one of our biggest tools to affect change is to raise awareness that who we are is just the same as anyone else. Today of all days is an awareness day, and a wake up call to those who may not know just what happens to many of us as we come to terms of who we are, and what happens to some of us that suffer from the hands of those that misunderstand us...

When a Trans women is hit over the head with a fire extinguisher that's not just an everyday moment of assault and battery.... that's hate...

The sad realisation is that although awareness is greater in many countries now such as the Uk, that there are many trans men and women that are experiencing hate and abuse as i type this blog. I know several Trans Women that suffer daily abuse, stones and other missles thrown at them, who are virtual prisoners in their own homes. I know of a Trans man in south london that had to be rescued along with his mother by the police, from neighbours smashing their way into his flat and threatening to kill him.... this is very real and it's happening daily.

Sadly it isn't important enough to reach the media, the only time you make it into a newspaper in the UK is to either be humiliated and ridiculed, or to report that you have been killed, and then the press are looking for some sordid link to sensationalise it...

Some of these gender variant people end up committing suicide, driven to by violence and misunderstanding. One Trans woman I know ended her life by walking in front of a train... after years of abuse from kids on her housing estate, she tried everything she could to live her life but in the end was driven to end it through intolerance, and this is in the United Kingdom, famed for it's acceptance of others...

But this is just part of a worldwide issue, if you visit the International Transgender Day of Remembrance website and read the names, and read how they have died, and have been killed.... People have been shot, stabbed, kicked to death, thrown from moving cars, tortured, decapitated... it sounds more like a horror movie... and it is a horror movie... a real life daily movie for gender variant people all over the world... some this year in particular in Brazil, Honduras and Turkey have been suffered violent deaths...

It's not a pleasant subject to talk about, but i make no apology for writing this blog today, on the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, because it is our day to remember. I remember people i know that have died, who i will never forget, and i will ensure that i make as many people aware of this day as i can, both gender variant or not that lessons need to be learned. That people need to know, and that those people like any other remembrance service around the world did not die for nothing.... change must come from this...

Today we remember.... tomorrow we move on and build from this and hope that through many peoples continued efforts that many less victims are added to the list of people that we never forget...

RIP Mum

2009-10-15T07:58:00.002+01:00

Well it only seems a short while since i posted a blog about my father.... in fact just over 2 months ago.... and today i post one about my mother.

Just over 2 hours ago my mother passed away...

She had suffered a massive stroke nearly 10 days ago, i rushed up to Wolverhampton to see her that day and stayed a further 3 days before i had to get back to London to attend some meetings. She struggled on until today, getting weaker and weaker... my brother seeing her every day. In the end when the call came to him from the hospital she slipped away as they were taking her to a side room.

How do i feel.....

Blown away, crushed, deflated.... full of tears.... i am happier that shes been able to pass away and that the punishment she has had these last few days are at an end.... i got to say bye to her, got to say i love you, and we shed a tear last week but it doesn't help me at all. I've lost a wonderful mother that's been an inspiration to me for all the time I've been on this planet.

On the day before the stroke she had been so so happy, my brother said she shone, was the life and soul up with them, played cards with my niece, cheated as well hehe and was beaming and happy, to be taken like this and to have her last days so badly wrong is just so so unfair. But i thank my brother and my sister in law, my niece and nephews who made her happy these last few weeks since my fathers funeral, she had a chance to smile and laugh, she deserved so much more after so many years of a hard life... but at least she is at rest now and with dad, which she was indicating when i last saw her with her working hand.

I have to be there for my bother now, and to help where i can, he isn't exactly a health chap too.... and all of this on top of him, especially with all the work he has put into helping both the parents this past year is so much too...

I just want to remember mum being happy, remember her laughing and chatting with Mike.... remember her as the strong woman she was...

I cant say any more for now....

Love you mum xx

It was 5 years ago today...

2009-10-02T12:04:00.002+01:00

5 years ago to the day, to almost the exact minute i was turning right into Hawley Crescent in Camden Town... where the MTV studios are and parked up my car.... the reason why... was to meet someone... someone with purple hair, nurock boots, leather trousers and a trenchcoat on, i spotted him as i turned right, standing outside the Devonshire Arms... that's the Gothic and Rock pub in Camden, now called the Hobgoblin and 100 yards from where Spectrum London meets funnily enough...

Yes five years ago today was when i met mike for the first time, we had brunch and then wandered around the market, before i headed off into town and checked in a hotel for Trans-mission that night, Mike popped along to that as well and managed to survive lots of trans people dancing round handbags and getting drunk... nope that didn't include me... :)...

It was a fun day and we clicked... although we had trouble telling each other that for the next couple of weeks we talked, thank goodness that changed and on the 16th we started going out with each other... that's the other anniversary later this month :)

I know most trans people have difficulty understanding the concept of partners and how special they can be but quite simply Mike is something else... someone who is the backbone to my driving force... Spectrum London and all the associated work i do wouldn't happen without Mike there behind me to give me the ultimate support... both of us have been through tough times over the last few years, stuff many people have not known about, but we have thrown ourselves into helping others...

I'll tell you this though... the next trans person who thinks oh he's just a cisgendered person who doesn't know how we feel will have me in their face for a long long time... cos he knows far more then many of our struggle, and has been there too for trans people and their partners too...

From Camden to Bangkok, from Scotland to Dorset, and in between Mike has been there for me and is the quiet unseen person, whose spirit and passion has helped me drive through and achieve what i have...

I'm very lucky to have met him, and i love him to bits...

A amusing story in my past... fosters related

2009-09-03T18:06:00.002+01:00

Hi again...

Look 2 blog entries in one day.... well don't get used to it...

At the funeral there was one section where my mum shared some moments of myself and my sister and brother over the years with my dad that were amusing.... my one was kinda explained reasonably well, although it probably didn't hit the mark properly with the people there.... so for historic times I shall share it here so that it's stuck in the world of the WWW for many years to come....

Anyway...

I was 18... (yes i was once) and my dad had given me a lift to a pub where i met up with a few people, notably one character called Pete Cole (Who will probably never read this but congrats on the wedding the other day to Mandy)

Anyway a lot of drink was consumed that evening.... Pete's story of how he got home is another fun one too but without digressing even more someone brought me a pint of Fosters.... now I don't really like fosters because it makes me burp.... and it's crap anyway.... it's closing time, Dad pops over and picks me up and as we are driving back home we are nattering away, he asked me if I had had a good night... and as I was replying i burped..... but alas it wasn't just air that came up... it was the fosters and a few more drinks.... and it went everywhere.... Dad screeched to a halt, turned to me and said.... "Get the f*** out of my car".... now I can tell you in all the years that I knew him he didn't swear when I was around.... so when he did that I was quite taken aback.... I scrambled out of the car.... took a few breaths.... everything seemed OK and then I got back in.... "Are you OK now?", "Yes I fee...." "burp"..... and yes more fosters...

Anyway he got us back home at warp speed.... and nothing was said more after that.... car cleaned... life went on.... but it's just a funny moment that's stayed the test of time...

And no.... don't ever buy me fosters or I'll pour it over your head! :)

Denise

August 19th

2009-09-03T17:21:00.002+01:00

Hi There,

Many thanks for all of your kind words and wishes in the last few weeks. They have meant a lot.

August 19th came and Mike and I headed down to Sunny Farnborough for the funeral of my father. It was a hot sunny day, and i remember that every time i have visited that Crematorium in Aldershot it has been baking hot.

So the ceremony was simple, Amazing Grace and a couple of Scottish laments, the last one being the theme music to Brave heart.... as the curtains closed I managed to keep it together... have seen those curtains close a few times over the years but these ones were different.

And then it was back to mums for a few sarnies, cake and tea.... Aunts and Uncles were there I didn't recognise or remember, for the last time I saw many of them i was a youngster... and then it was all over and dusted and Mike and I were on our way back up to London.

Will it be my last visit to Farnborough, maybe so although there maybe one more time, I have always been a stickler for saying that the past makes your future... i refuse to forget memories of my past, growing up and the many friends I had in Farnborough, some still are friends, some are not and the last few weeks has brought back a little anger when I think of some of them and their open minds supposively that were not so open... their loss, not mine of course... I never gave them an ounce of pressure, never forced them to accept me for who I was... that's not me as many of you know.... what you see is what you get, no bullshit, no lying, no denial, what I say in a blog, a text or an email is the same when you meet me, and hey I know people cannot handle honesty.... tis why I raise hairs on peoples backs...

The UK Trans Domestic Violence and abuse survey has finished... will be looking at the data sometime next week so cannot give any figures as of yet, but over 500 people took the survey and over 300 completed it, so that's good, and I'm looking forward to looking at the data and seeing what we have in there...

The last few weeks have had me thinking about things and thinking about where I am in terms of support and activism to the Trans community... I know in myself that my focus needs to change now... it's not just a case of me being emotional at the moment but I feel more and more frustrated at some of the silliness that happens and realise that things might have to shift sideways a bit for me... I'll fight tooth and nail for rights and support, but I will not be made to be a mug by anyone any more and I'll stick to my gut instincts more again in that aspect... there are far too many trans people that play the blame game and the I'm so in need of help.... try saying that to the disabled lass who has just sailed around the UK in a boat who can only moved her head and talk.... try telling me that your life's so hard and bad after that.... because it isn't...

I have lost friends over the years that gave up the fight and they felt they had nowhere left to go.... I haven't met many lately that i can safely say are even in that ball park... I'll never turn my back on someone in need.... but I will not waste my time on people that just waste peoples times... one person I have seen in particular that has wasted the time of myself and many others who have given hours of advice.... I wouldn't even let her near a local psych yet alone a GIC.... sometimes you just cant help these people, you tell them for the 100th time to go and seek professional help and you close the door... you can safely peek out through it again several months later and yes there they are.... no bloody further.... but you need to close that door, and not expend any more energy on them...

Last week on the 26th August 2009 2 trans women were attacked in Washington DC, one sadly died.... this brings home loud and clear again that the fight is long from over... that perception is still very much in the eyes of people that have no concept and understanding, and for many they will never have that... but we cannot just give up.....we cant all just bog off into stealth those that transition, and we can't just bury our heads in the sand.... Gender Variant people are where the gay community were 40 years ago.... some want to fight.... some want to hide away, and the rest in the UK want to go and get pissed in Manchester, or Bristol.... and just think hey... lets forget what's needed.... and what's needed?..... people actually for once watching out for each other.... standing together when they can, and do their bit when they can't all of us need to help in anyway we can.... fill out surveys, sign petitions.... donate a little money to local support groups, or campaigning groups... I know I hark back to it a lot but some people spend more money in a weekend at Sparkle then it would cost the support group I help run survive for a year...

So I can still see what's needed.... do I want to stay part of it, to be around for supporting and campaigning.... yes.... but there will be changes.... a lot of them, because for the sake of mine and Mikes health there has to be.... if people don't want to walk the plank with me I'll push them off the side.... I have no time any more for those that say and do little.... either do it, or shut up.... because time is slipping away every day, you are born...... and then you die..... what you do in between is the important stuff....

Take Care

Denise

RIP Dad

2009-08-08T14:03:00.002+01:00

Thursday saw me popping down to Farnborough to visit my mum and dad, I was getting ready to nip up to the home to see Dad, but was a bit busy helping my mother tried and find something she had lost when my Brother rang.

My dad had caught a bad chest infection and pneumonia, and time was feared to be getting short. My mother and I went to home and saw him, he was on strong antibiotics and oxygen, having difficulty breathing, he was away in his own world, chatting to imaginary people, the pills had him all over the place. I think for about 10 seconds or so he recognised me, he said hi, where was mum and that he felt very unwell, and then he was back elsewhere... we stayed sometime and then we went back home, I then nipped back to London, I awaited a call if I needed to rush back down.

The next day my Brother rang, father had pasted away in the evening, a few hours after I had left, he died peacefully in his sleep.

I cannot describe my feelings, we knew the day would come as he has been steadily getting worse for sometime, I cannot get the face of him out of my mind of how I saw him on Thursday afternoon... it's difficult seeing your parents get older and older, not the strong people they were... mum seems to be OK with things, we will see... I know I need to keep busy, that's how I feel I can handle it, however I don't want to be involved in things that i do which involve emotion.... because that's reserved for me now... it's reserved for me to deal with it... and there's plenty of that at the moment...

I have mike here which i am always thankful for... and I'm trying my best not to be too sad, or too tearful... and to remember the good times... we have to remember them...

And what best for me to remember Dad by is with some of his favourite music... he loved Scottish music, the pipes and drums particularly, I wouldn't say many of us shared his liking, in fact Sooty the Cat used to go and find somewhere else when they appeared on the record deck... but one track is special and that's amazing grace... dad will get a chance to visit Scotland one last time soon, and this piece of music will be there for that...

Thank you dad for being there and doing the best you could, my only wish is that you had made a lot more of the retirement time you had.... rest in piece, the pain is gone....

Denise

Amazing Grace...

Together we Stand.... Divided we fall...

2009-07-27T15:59:00.003+01:00

Hellloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....oooo!

Monday Monday..... so good to me.... why is that going through my head? Ah thats cos it's monday.... i knew there was something...

Hi all, well i said i'd be here and here i am... it's 4pm... it's Monday 27th July 2009.... and it's Denise posting some waffle for a few minutes...

I know i sometimes come across very much as a stuck record but the last few months, years really sees me constantly observing a Gender Variant bunch of people, the community if you would like to call it having this immense difficulty working together... and it's bloody frustrating... sometimes i feel the "community" doesnt want to know, or isn't really interested in some of the things that are impacting on it... you can get 1000 trans people and friends apparently once a year up to a piss up in Manchester but to even get a fraction of them to be bothered to fill out a survey, or put a name on a petition is so so much hard work...

The equality bill... that wonderful piece of legislation will make things slightly better for some trans people, but like the robin hood of bills will make it worse... or should i mean the shreiff of Nottingham... ah yes that's better... some things will be good that they give us, but with the other hand they take away, it's important this bill, it's important to have the trans/gender variant community backing it... but apart from say about 30 people, which actually is a record showing any interest it's the usual quietness again... now the Bill is at it's 3rd hearing soon, after the summer break... in the house of lords and we need some trans friendly Lords... so here's an appeal, if you know any please let me know so I can contact them...

Its the same with the Domestic Violence survey i am running with Broken Rainbow... 350 people have taken it... 198 have completed it fully... those 152 would have been damn useful to have... we have about 5 weeks to go so i need to get as many trans people to take it, and complete it, that doesn't mean answer every question... it means answer the ones you can and get to the end... this survey is a mega important survey... we need as much info we can get to be able to provide this to agencies around the country. I hope to present it later this year at various conferences, and i intend to visit every domestic abuse/violence agency in every borough of London, and anywhere else in the country...

But there are so few of us out there doing this kind of stuff, very very few indeed... and we know people can't always commit to that sort of thing, but what we need, what we really really need is trans people to help us by completing the surveys, passing us information, adding their names to petitions... that's what we need, if i could get half of those people that went to sparkle this year to fill the survey out that would be amazing....

So check the Spectrum London site and you'll see the page and link, so please take the time to take it, it's like 15 minutes... that's all... 15 minutes, and even if you have not experienced Domestic Abuse/Violence we have questions in there for you...

The survey ends on Sept 1st, and i want to be surprised and amazed, i want to see another 200 people complete the survey... i want to be able to present something with substance... i want to feel people are behind me, and behind others because we are too divided... and all ways across the "community", from people that don't seem to care, til organisations that bog off on their own and don't work with others.... that's got to change, people have to start working together, even if they may not get on...

Divide we fall, and we'll keep falling and we'll stay forty years behind... time to come up to the plate and do your stuff folks...

Take Care

Denise
xx

You Try walking In My Shoes

2009-07-24T15:44:00.004+01:00

Heya,

I just have not posted here for months and i am aware of that very much personally... there is a lot i have to say but i would be a long time... but i will look to do something next monday, start typing a series of posts, from the heart and from my head... my thoughts on the people i try and help, support and campaign for, and i warn you now most of them wont be nice... and to share a little about the crap i have to deal with... because when people have dear old miss anderson there to fight there corner and be a helping hand they dont seem to care about what shit i have and that sometimes the helper.... needs to be helped...

So i promise i will start posting a few thoughts, truths, feelings and opinions of what i see, hear and feel, and hey maybe one or 2 of them people might think.... oh yes... thats a valid point.... who knows...

I can tell you this though.... there is a lot of shit in my life that maybe when the next person says Denise, can you help me with something, it's really urgent i can turn around and say.... "I'll do you a swap...." :)

Until next week.... have a good weekend... and dont try walking in my shoes.... :)

Denise
xxx

Support Fords Visteon Occupiers at the High Court Monday 6th April 2009

2009-04-05T21:03:00.002+01:00

Monday 9.30am at the Royal Courts of Justice on the Strand. High Court injunction hearing at 10.30am.

WE will also need people at Enfield as a possibility of people turning up to take away equipment in factory. People will be needed to prevent this, but no idea of time at the moment.

Support The Ford Visteon Workers Occupation

2009-04-05T21:00:00.003+01:00

Come to the factory anytime!
Especially around 12 noon

Morson Road EN3 4TN
near Ponders End train station, Enfield

The plant is 5min walk, cross the foot-bridge, walk down main road towards Central London, the next street to the left is Morson Road, the factory situated at the end

Statement (below) from some Ford Visteon workers and supporters (from inside the occupied factory)

We have occupied our factory Ford Visteon workers have occupied our factory since Wednesday 1st April. The previous day in a meeting lasting just 6 minutes we were told that the European company, with plants in Belfast, Basildon and Ponders End, Enfield, was going into administration and that we were to leave - without our wages being paid. Personal possessions could be collected the next day, but at 10 o'clock the factory was locked closed. Workers had already occupied the Belfast factory.
We demand what is due to us The 200 workers who are part of the Ford subsidiary want the same conditions they have always had via "mirror contracts" with the parent company. Up to now they don't know when they will get wages due, and their pensions are to be controlled by the government Pensions Protection Fund. This means a maximum of £9,000 payout, and much reduced conditions! Some of the women and men have 40 yrs service!

The whole situation has been created for news management - announce it during the G20 and it will get buried in the media. And this is largely what's happened. The move is to save Visteon USA money at our expense.

But unexpectedly Unite union members have taken determined action that bosses thought they had eliminated years ago.

The workers want their existing terms respected. Ford Visteon can't be allowed to avoid their responsibility. So far they have tried legal intimidation but have even managed to mess this up.

As well as proper redundancy payments, some are suggesting that the skills of the workers who can make anything in plastic, should be used to make increasingly needed parts for green products - bike and trailer parts, solar panels, turbines, etc. Government investment in this rather than throwing money at bankers could be profitable & save jobs in the long term.

All support welcome Ford Visteon workers have been pleased at the support received from other Ford plants as well, such as Southampton, who are blacking Visteon products. 100s attended our rally on Saturday..

Please come to the factory at any time (especially 12 noon) to show us your support. Get your Union branch or organisation to pass a resolution in support. Help raise money by doing workplace and community collections, and drop in...

Messages of support to those inside: visteonoccupation@googlemail.com

This is a fight we can win. We're off our knees and fighting fit!

Janice

2009-04-04T11:40:00.002+01:00

Hi everyone...

Hope all of you are well, i would just like to say a quick thank you to those that do still read this blog, and to the new people that have stumbled across it lately... thoughts go through your head that people may have slipped away as i have not been posting much... so again thank you for looking in, and also thank you for taking the time to read Mikes blog too... it has let a few more of you in to some of the tension and emotional turmoil and upset that has been around while we have been trying to keep the ship afloat...

Sadly some more bad news came through earlier this week that a good friend, and another founder member of Spectrum Haringey and Spectrum London, Janice Baker passed away last Saturday, the 28th of March... and i felt very strongly that i needed to put an entry in the blog here, to make the passing of someone who was a good friend to Mike and I and a true inspiration on many levels... one thing with a blog is you can capture time, memories, like one big diary... all our memories fade a little, sometimes we do forget the odd thing, so it is more important to have a record, so that we can look back, and so this entry is for Janice... where i can share a little more about her that you may not have known if you had met her... and for those that didn't know her to get a feeling of someone who was all round a lovely person...

I had known Janice on various online forums, and news groups for some years... but we didn't really get to work closely together until early 2007, when the Metropolitan Police asked several of us if we could look at starting a transgender support group in Haringey, they felt it was of importance to do one, not just because of the borough of Haringey, but because of the lack of support groups full stop...

Janice, myself and Mike, Gill and Erasmo became the 5 people, along with the local Met police LGBT Liasion officer at that time, Fiona, got together anc talked it through, within a couple of hours we had the plan, i went away, we draw the website together and Spectrum Haringey was born... later to become Spectrum London to cover the whole of London, and Janice has been a pivotal person in the running of the group...

Janice was 84... and when i say that to people who i have met up with this past week they just couldnt believe it, she had the enthusiasm and energy for someone a heck of a lot younger... her sense of humour and attention to detail was so good... she had wisdom by the bucketloads and allowed me the time to chat things through, to get a perspective that i will so much miss... so simply was an example of someone who had loyalty, committment and a sense of decency about her... in the last few days while poking around some forums while getting the message out of Janice passing away i have seen people that could have learned a bit more from Janice too... i certainly hope that if i can make it to 84 i can be somewhere near the same calibre...

The last time Janice was at a Spectrum meeting in January someone had been taken ill at the meeting, even though Janice was not too well herself she took the young lass to the local hospital to be looked at... yet another example of how she put herself on the line to help others... in particular in the last year Janice had been fighting cancer, with painful chemo, had had several heart attacks and still would not give up... i remember one evening while we were in the car on the way to a meeting when Janice said she had just come out of hospital after another attack, and there she was, off to a meeting, she also was a full time carer to her wife too... and at 84.... she put so many people to shame and in awe...

The last time Mike and I saw Janice is when we popped into hospital to see her... she still had a spark in her eye, a smile on her face and we gave her a hug... i had felt something was wrong in the last week or so... i popped to the hospital last monday but she wasnt there, and then i was given the sad news the day after...

I know Mike and I will miss her greatly, her wisdom, knowledge, empathy and understanding, her input to Spectrum, and her input as a friend... we have placed a memorial page for her on the site... and we will always remember someone who touched our hearts very much... she spurs me on to do more... and we will...

Thank you Janice...

Denise

Change...

2009-02-16T09:57:00.002Z

Heya...

Ok... i said i wouldn't do a blog every few months thing, and that i would be more regular (perish the thought) and i failed... and i'm sorry for that... but there has been so so much going on over the last few months or even a year really that i have been drained sometimes that although i had things to say i just couldn't do it here... i've developed the Maggie Thatcher 4 hours of sleep thing, the only problem with that is it means i lie in bed thinking too much... and sometimes by the time i've got up saying it's time to change the world the thought is there but the action isn't... another thing i need to change... :)

The last few months/year have not been the best... mikes been ill, been in hospital a few times... both my parents went in to hospital, at the same time... my father for a long time and now unfortunately he is in a nursing home...

You know when you are young and feeling your way your parents are usually the ones there, sometimes they may not be the best... sometimes for some they go away and a step dad or mum replaces them... for me i was lucky that that didn't happen... i had my mum and dad around... i guess for my childhood i was the best behaved and the youngest of the kids... i was also the quiet one more... i grew up with them around, they were there, the strong ones in my eyes, the ones that looked after me... and they are still around... although maybe in their last years... and i say that with honesty and sadness and it haunts me a bit... i've seen them grow old... i've seen them put up with us youngsters and hey it's not been dull with me has it over the last few years yet they've carried on... i seen my dad in a bed, not able to walk anymore, a shadow of who he was... my mum coping and my brother and I doing our best to help... it's been a stressful time, it's been a horridly stressful time... i've seen them go through it... i worry constantly about mike... i try my best to do what i can for anyone... and everyone... cos thats me... thats who i am... and i really try to do my best...

I also think about me getting older, the aches and pains are about... the need to get down the gym and try and delay any more aches and pains are huge... im not spring chicken anymore... im not even a middle aged cat hehe, well ok i'm probably middle aged but time is ticking and i'm aware that with every minute gone things can't be got back... change is inevitable... but it's what you do with change thats important...

My best asset, my best toolkit at my disposal is me... to effect change you have to do just that... and my passion for issues to be changed is as strong as ever... but that encompasses everything, from work to family, to friends and others that i can try and help...

Spectrum London gets stronger... we are helping more, my campaigning and activism is well and trully there, countless meetings and more meetings and letters and emails and websites and and... well lots of stuff just keeps going on and i want that... i need that... i need to... want to help change... because i don't want to be in a bed in forty years time, not be able to walk and think what have i done... i don't want to fail me... or Mike, or my friends, family or anyone... i just don't

I owe it to everyone, to Mike and others that have been there for me to be the best i can... and in the last few months things have slid... i've done well in trans isues and campaigns... with Spectrum but have not done enough for me... thats not a me me me thing, it's just the hard truth of it... to reach a potential i need to concentrate on making my asset work... and thats what i am doing... i can't let time slip away anymore... theres lots to do... but thats lots to do thats gonna be fun, we have to smile and have a good giggle... i havent really done that with a passion of late... too much stress, too much serious stuff... too much pain and anguish... it's time for that break to come for Mike, me and others... we've worked enough for one :)

2009 is the year of change... i think i say that every year but this year it has to...

Theres more to write, and honestly i will be back very soon to type it... i need to share thoughts, ideas and opinion with you all, and just a little bit more of my life... i open up the pandora box, theres no way i can keep the lid on it... :)

Take Care

Denise
xxx

I'm back....

2008-11-13T16:31:00.002Z

Hello.....

Yes... please do not adjust your screens... there are no malfunctions... it is me... back from the darkness of blog separation...

I apologise to those that used to read my ramblings... and some of those that missed them... but this year has been quite eventful... but i am going to try and make the time to do some blogs... because i have a lot to say... and it's my space to do that... here i can say how i feel... and not be lost in battles on online forums... and here i can share my thoughts, maybe exorcise some demons that have come to hang around these past few months... and well express whats going on inside my head... sharing my thoughts on the way forward in the current situation of trans madness thats about at the moment... I will do that in the next blog... and thats likely to be a long one, so as always when it appears... have a lot of coffee ready, and maybe some nice biscuits... or cake... make it choccy cake... :)

This year has been a busy one and a very stressful one... for a lot of the year mike has been quite unwell... and has had several visits to hospital and a couple of ops... for a long time he couldnt go to work either so being able to keep focused on stuff was very difficult at times... there was one time when i was away in Wales when mike was rushed into hospital again, he kept that quiet so i wouldnt cancel although i made sure as soon as i had finished what i was doing i got the first train back...

A couple of months ago my mother was taken badly ill and rushed to hospital, several days later my father went in, and just after mike had come out of hospital... in the midst of rushing down and back from keeping an eye on the parents, i still keep on doing the usual, running Spectrum London with the help of Mike and Janice... doing voluntary work, attending loads of meetings and fitting in supporting people as well... it means i never have a dull moment thats for sure and i've been pushed to my limit many times... and close in dispair to considering just leaving the planet... no not suicidal as such, but thinking of it... things have been that hectic and sometimes black... so thats my excuse for not really typing these last 7 months... and i dont believe in excuses so sorry for not being around with the blogs of ramblings... but i am back... honest... and i have a real humdinger of a blog coming, where im gonna share my thoughts on the current situation in terms of trans in the uk... where we are, and where we could be if we act now...

I also still miss Sooty very much, he pops into my thoughts... maybe he is looking over me from time to time... :)

So i hope there is someone still out there that i know and have read my posts in the past... i promise some continuing long sessions of coffee drinking reading for the foreseeable future :)

Take Care

Denise
xx

You can only show them the way to water...

2008-04-10T19:15:00.002+01:00

Heya...

How ya all doing... now what did i say the last time about snow... down it came the other day... i got the pics of sparky jumping about in the snow... he wasnt happy.... but the pics were good hehe...

Mikes a lot better, he's asleep at the mo, another ickle nap... but alls looking a lot better....

You know i just wanted to write a few words about advice and support... people sometimes dont listen to advice... i know i didnt sometimes... there are times that you get focused and so i think you are looking for someone to give you the answer that you crave... to say yes... you are so right... when in fact that hardly ever happens and so you just switch off... it's one of the things i come across when giving advice and support... im not the encyclopaedia Brittanica... but i have been about a bit and learnt a lot over the years, and have been working with some good friends, colleagues and professional people in this world of trans thing... so all i can do is offer what i hope is an objective view, spattered with the odd fact or 2 and info to go along with it... whatever people hear might not be what they want to hear... but thats all i can do...

You can help show a camel the way to find water... what they do with that water once they find it... is up to them... :)

Take Care and i'll catch ya soon... :)

Denise
xxx

2 Today...

2008-03-22T20:08:00.002Z

2 years old today... seems like yesterday, memories are as vivid as then... also was the best 8 hours sleep i've ever had... don't remember much of that of course... as i was asleep at the time... wish i was back out there now...

Denise
xxx

Snow! It's bleeding Spring!

2008-03-21T14:41:00.003Z

Now come on... it's coming up towards the end of March, the clocks changing to summertime and theres the chance of a load of snow in a couple of days time... OK i mean a load of snow in the size of UK south size, so probably about an inch... enough to stop half of the UK but this means Sparky and Junior our resident squirrels will be jumping about in the white stuff... and quite frankly... they aren't that keen to do it... not surprising when you're about a foot in size...

Anyway... how are you all... doing well i hope... Mike and i are fine, chilling, mikes not too well but has pecked up a bit for the weekend which is good... it's nice to actually have a relaxed time for a change... there be a few niggles to worry about, hey we all get those but i tend to not have to write a blog entry or produce a list in a post in a forum telling everyone what a rotten life i've had... true my list wouldn't be as long as many others... but i chose to lose the male attitude of mines bigger then yours a long time ago... it is frightening to see so many post op girls acting like testosterone driven nerds sometimes... i thought the i've got a bigger BMW attitude went with post op... it seems to change from whose got the longest to who's got the deepest... crikey i didn't know it was lets find a pot holer with a big lamp to test the theory competitions... ;)

I've been traveling a bit lately, the other week i was in Captain Jack territory... Cardiff... i didnt see a great deal of it as it was out the train, into the hotel, attend the meeting next day and back home but i can safely confirm that it is as expensive as London, same with Manchester a few weeks ago... things were just as expensive to buy up north as down south... really the only difference still at the moment is the cost of property, you took that out of the equation and there would be little difference... more jobs are down south in order for people to try and pay to keep a roof over their heads... there is no chance now for first timers at all... that went a long time ago... affordable housing... isn't affordable...

I continue to come across sad stories and situations in my volunteering work... i feel the trans community just is too blinkered sometimes, too sheltered, in forums they discuss things and are so detached with what really is happening... hate crime, domestic violence, trans people homeless... trans people fighting PCTs for anything... trans people in wales going through hell, the same in Oxford... i know it's quite natural for trans people like any other human being to be insular and go "well I'm OK, i have no problems"... but being like a broken record i just come back and say... in order to raise awareness, support, empowerment and much more we need to work at helping each other more... and thats supporting local groups, charities and other people wherever we can... because of we don't no-one else will...

The problem though is that it is very difficult to get people to help with things, people willing to get involved in projects are a rare breed, humanity seems to be full of people that take and very little give... thats the way it is... would be nice to even up the balance occasionally...

The other night Mike and I managed to make it to a local public consultation about crime and how our local police in the borough hope to improve things... it was quite interesting, a real mix of people there, including someone bringing to the polices attention the use of magnetic pulse laser type guns zapping people... yes... aliens seem to have landed ok in Haringey... and elsewhere... i could have told him that a long time ago...

Before i go and have a cup of tea i wanna touch briefly again on the concept of hierarchy... you hear this mentioned so many times in forums... yes there are some people that believe there are, at both ends of the spectrum... but im not one of them... people are always involving... and i'm in full agreement with the psychs that people can start off being a Dual role TV and end up a TS, so wheres the hierarchy there then... to me it's just progression, unfortunately some people as they transition along get ants in their pants and start to waggle the figure of authority, it comes back to people with long lists of whats happened in their life... i think we could all compile some sort of list... i fell over last week, hit the ground, collar bone popped out... popped in... and it hurt quite a bit... that must mean life for me is very bad... well sometimes life can be a real shit... sitting in A&E nearly all day watching your partner in real pain sort of brings things into perspective really... that you cant keep dwelling on what happened the previous day, you learn from it... you dust yourself off and get on with it... because shouting about it makes no difference... and if you need someone in some stupid online forum to pat you on the back every time you grazed your knee... or had a bad case of the runs after a nasty curry... then we'd all be sitting on our arses all day.... oooops.... that kinda links... didn't mean to do that.... honest...

Have a good easter, stay warm and stay happy... :)

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Im Back!

2008-01-31T13:55:00.000Z

Well hello there..... :)

Well well well... it's been a long time hasn’t it, over 2 months since I’ve written anything, in fact more like nearly 3 months.... how are you all, that’s if anyone reads this because you have all probably bogged off... :)

I'm sorry I haven't been about but I have been very busy these last few months, still am, couple that with being really ill in the last couple of months of 2007... my little fell Sooty passing away, Mikes been very unwell and still is suffering a lot in pain with no sense coming from the health side of things, and just so much to do I just didn’t really want to let go in here, and maybe that was a bad move... maybe I should have let go a few times, as I have bottled up a few frustrations over the last couple of months and pushed myself into things... the result is that I’m tired, enthusiastic, really fired up but frustrated and tired... what at.... well the trans community of course or the continued lack of it... I have stayed out of online forums a lot more, primarily because I’m busy getting stuff done out there but the hairs on the back of my neck do wise sometimes when I see some of the pathetic stuff said in some of these places... they really don’t have a clue what is going on out there, for many the single handed desire to burn shed loads of money cross-dressing, staying in hotels and partying all the time is so much more important than ensuring the greater good for the community... the fact that trans people are suffering all sorts of abuse and despair in this country, yes the United Kingdom means naff all to them... we know that because most of them would turn their nose up to give say a fiver to press for change, or GIRES, or the Gender Trust and many more but are happy to spend that on a drink in a club...

The harsh reality is out there to see, I occasionally try and post in forums, give them the perspective of what some of us are trying to do... of what is effecting trans people and it just seems to continue being the I’m alright jack, doesn’t affect me, I’m not worried... well that’s fine but remember that 65% of trans people suffer domestic violence... 21% of trans people can’t get past a GP for treatment... PCTs are continuing to shy away from the basic help for trans people and when I mean that... even recognising peoples existence... and that out on the streets now in major cities around the UK are homeless trans people, many that fled countries where they were oppressed to come here where they thought that their lives would be better, that’s better than being dead...

Staying in the hotel around the corner from the wayout, add a meal on, entrance fee to the club and drinks it can easily add up to nearer £200... That will allow a homeless trans person 2 weeks stay in a hostel where they would have the chance to try and get themselves sorted... yeah £200... less than many people will spend in Manchester this coming June for Sparkle... less than a night out at the wayout... less than a makeover and photo shoot at one of the dressing services in London... less than some people pay for their fetish outfits before plastering themselves over the front of a tranny magazine... but I hear a shout of "why should we help?", "Cant they pick themselves up and get on with it...?" and the answer is that yes some will pick themselves up, I’ve met some very proud trans men and women, frustrated with the system, with offers of work but nowhere to live and no money in the first place to get a place to live to work from... yes that’s the same for any homeless person... but for people that are trans, or Lesbian, or Gay they have the added danger of being violently beaten up and killed by people that see them as different, see them as something on the bottom of their shoe... see them as the scum of earth, a nothing, and that is something that we.... and I say the we sarcastically can sort out...

We could start to do this quite easily, I have seen how people can get money out of their pockets and help when pushed before, in a forum last year suddenly over 2 grand could be found to buy someone something to help with their life... so now it’s time to do the same, to build some sort of foundation, some sort of fund, a charity type fund with a pool of money raised through events and donations to help trans people, whether it's a dash to somewhere safe after domestic violence, whether it can pay for someone not to sleep in a park in a sleeping bag for a few days... whether to help someone with legal costs... we can do this... we can affect change... we could... look after our own... but we can only do that if people are willing to help, willing to try and understand and willing to care, and you would think that people under the transgender banner could do that... it's the same old thing again and again we come back to.... how can we ever expect anyone to accept us and try and understand, when we can’t do it ourselves...

So yes there’s frustration… the frustration that there is so much to do and little amount of people, that friends and special ones have been running themselves ragged to try and do what they can when they can. My good old mate Emma has said many a time, and so have Mike and countless others that are there is so much you can do or say, that people will do what they want and to not expect a pat on the back, that’s fine, I’ve never done anything in this game for a pat on the back… I was inspired by others to give something back, I still stick to that, that’s what I want to do, will continue to do and I know we can’t change the world single handily, but if we start to change a few, and then they change a few and they do the same, the pebble in the water effect will do its thing, and we have to start from our base of things, to engage people more, to communicate, because people want to know…. They really do… from charities to LGBT groups that have never seen anyone trans, from health organisations, you name it I have met people that want to know more, that really do want to help… so let’s get to it eh… lets go for it now…

Time for a cuppa, take care and I promise I won’t leave it 2 months again...

Take care

Denise
xx

Goodbye Old Friend

2007-11-11T20:31:00.000Z

I've been so busy this week doing stuff, got a fifthy cold... just havent been around, so i've missed my dad trying to call me... he got through earlier to tell my the news i knew id hear one day... my special pal, my good old friend Sooty... has passed away...

He apart from Mike was the other man in my life, i remember him as a kitten, his big paws and fell in love with him there and then, over the years he's made me smile, laugh, picked me up when i've been down, listened to me talk to him through my issues... saw lots of sunrises and sunsets with me... it seems he may have had cancer, he had stopped eating and was so thin, but had a big growth on the chin, even on the last day he went up to my mum and chatted away to her...

I'm in tears, my mum and dad, my brother and sister have been crying all week, he was one in a million, and i feel so so empty without him....

Goodbye old friend, sleep easy.... i miss you so much...

Denise
xxx

Life... is really what you make it...

2007-10-22T09:37:00.000+01:00

Hello... how you all doing there, and i hope 360 people are still managing to look in and say Hi, i know Debbie is... Hiya... :)

Was a good weekend... tiring really... shame Lewis didn't make it yesterday, still he'll do it next year... and thats enough sport...

I just typed a very long blog, but i've deleted it... because i was expending too much energy in it... it was good because i was letting out some emotions, i still did, they have been expended, thats cool... so now i can get to the meat of it...

When someone is genuinely in despair, then they need to get help... professional help... when it gets to the stage that they become delusional with themselves then that's not good at all... and when it gets to the point that they could sink to doing something nasty to someone else... then it's time to reflect on to why and what to do about it... it's no good masking it with other things, writing a load of long paragraphs trying to justify why things happened, it's a case of getting sorted, getting off your arse and making the best of things, and i should know because im as guilty of letting things go off the rails as anyone else... but i would never ever hurt anyone else with my actions... by all means shout out for help... but don't try and make other people feel guilty... and by the grace of god (if there is one) never be vindictive and nasty enough to try and screw someone else up along the way...

Now what im typing here is no excuse for someone to say look im such a nasty person, see she says it and use it as an excuse to give up... and i will not tolerate the guilt trip being laid at my door... there are times when id love to give up, and yeah many times i thought about just giving up and jumping in the Thames... but i don't go and tell everyone... i use that thought, try and rationalise why i thought it and move on... lifes not that bad to give it all in... i have known despair, i don't want it again, i tried something silly when life was really really shit and you really have to be bad to do that...

So i just want to really say... that life is what you make it... dont waste it... dont screw it up, and dont screw others up either... live it... use it, enjoy it, embrace it... we arent cats... we dont get 9 lives... be truthful, honest, and just... live... but more importantly then that.... be truthful to yourself...

Is life really that bad to want to walk away from a good job, roof over your head, fixtures and fittings and someone who loves you... i can't see how it can be, it's certainly not a rational thing to do...

I told someone once to go get a life... i still stand by those words...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Music is a powerful thing...

2007-10-16T16:03:00.000+01:00

Hi...

Not too many words today, just some music vids that sum up some of my feelings... sometimes you have to let go... let the things that build up out... i was out Saturday with Mike, and we were looking in a nice bookshop when things started to build up inside, a variety of emotions happened at once, engulfing me, i could feel the eyes starting to well up as mike was talking to me, i tried desperately to keep it in but it had to come out, tears started to fall and I felt a complex layer of emotion cursing through me... i'm sorta feeling it again at the mo, maybe i'm just tired, been getting up earlier and didn't sleep brilliantly last night, maybe things are surfacing that have to be let out... maybe im a little out of salts... or maybe this so called legend is cracking a little... well i cant always be one of these ladies that arent for turning... i have to let things go out the valve, i need to do that more... mike says start to write some lyrics again, i may just do that, and maybe open a private blog for myself...

I know i have potential to do a hell of a lot more then i do, i have the intelligence and emotions that can drive me along, sometimes i get so bloody frustrated that i can see things that need to change but im just one person, not many...

For now... have some songs that move me, songs that have me letting go... music is a powerful median to never loose... :)

Hugs

Denise
xxx

2007-10-04T16:34:00.000+01:00

Gawd i could do with a rest.... really could... there's a survey come out on the subject of how many hours sleep you need... they say if you have like 4 hours or less then it's bad for you, but at the same time if you have 8 hours or more then that's bad for you... well the other night i think i managed on and off about 6 and a bit, and i felt like death warmed up, this morning i got up after having less and felt crap, but marginally better... so is this conclusive.... yes i need more fecking sleep!

Another colleague out there in the world of people caring for the trans community has been taken ill, heart attack, she never stops working, worrying, organising and hey thats quite familiar to me... i do believe that stress and hypertension really isnt good for you, apparently if you have 5 hours or less you can get hypertension, i just think having stess is likely to bring it on quicker, and hey if you dont sleep alot then you really are screwed... the thing is we need more people to help out there, and i mean help... support the charities and organisations, a little donation, maybe become a member, get involved in regions etc etc, help us silly idiots before we all fall over... i know i wasnt feeling good the other morning, my heart was all wobbly beat wise and i was feeling a little dizzy and a little achy, that was the 6 and bit hours you see... it really was bad for me... but things have been getting to me a bit... last week i quickly got a birthday card together for my dad, wrote it out, addressed it, stamp on and toddled off to post it when suddenly i realised as i was nearing the post box that i was a month early... talk about punctual but thats riddiculous... the other thing i couldnt grasp was this tuesday, there was something bugging me and i went to bed a little down, i realised it earlier, tuesday was the 2nd of October, anniversery of when i met mike the first time 3 years ago.... i never forget dates like that, or my parents, i really am losing my marbles at the mo... it's need to slow down and take stock a bit for a while me thinks... before i go into orbit...

And with that it's time for a coffee, the video today is for Mike, it's one of our songs.... thank you for a fun 3 years... heres to many more of them... see ya soon folks....

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Real..... Real.... Real.... Real.... oh how surreal... yuk...

2007-10-02T16:48:00.000+01:00

Hiya...

Well I’ve sat here for a bit, thinking of what to say, lots in the head but not flowing out as well as usual, bubbling near the top but I think there’s enough to come out... maybe listening to Within Temptation is helping a bit...

This will be my last 360 blog... I’m going to stay with blogspot and blogspot only for the foreseeable future so that’s where my blog will be...

http://denisejanderson.blogspot.com/

I’ve already trimmed back the friends list as really most people were friends in the lets see how many we can have on a list, and as I got very bored with that quickly on myspace I don’t want it here either... if I can step back more from the unreality of online forums then I can step back further from these things, and hey I have email, and msn and yahoo messengers, you know where I am so feel free to add me if you want... I do have facebook but the people on there are different and many of them I am involved in projects outside in the big bad world anyway... feel free to add me if you would like... also I have offered to meet up with anyone when they are in town, that offer is always open, it's up to you...

At the moment there are several things that are important to me, the most of course is Mike, he is my number one priority, my soul mate and someone incredibly special, the average trans person has no comprehension of compassion, love, trust and empathy... so when they do get a partner or have an existing one many of them treat them like crap... in one of the stupid forums of late a thread discussing whether non trans people can ever know is floating around... of course unless you actually have Gender Dysphoria it's something that’s not easy to understand, however people seem to forget that it's never just a trans person that transitions, its those around you too... and they also deserve support too... quite frankly it makes me puke the amount of selfish pratts in the trans world that treat their partners or people that are non trans as some kind of 2nd rate piece of meat... respect as I have whittled on for ages in my blogs... comes both ways...

The next thing on my list is me... I do worry about me sometimes, you do have that ability to worry about yourself... I worry about becoming bitter and twisted... I so near did due to people in the past and I must do all I can to not let every emotion in... and to control as much as I can the ones I do get... it is easy when you get involved in support issues to get embroiled... I am with one at the moment, helping someone in distress and it's making sure the balance of not becoming too involved stays that way... but I also have to keep in the balance the need for me to keep my life on keel and that’s Mike and me, and the family, and the squirrels, and the friends I hold dear... I’m never going to stop fighting on the battle lines, there’s so much to do out there to improve things for trans people, and I intend to do what I can to help change that... I have realised a long time ago that the trans community itself wont help itself... it will sit around in forums moaning about this and that and wont do anything... saying this survey is crap, but not offering to help shape an alternative... so I’ll carry on fighting, ignoring the stirrers, and the moaners, and the trolls and the people that really only care so much about themselves that they can almost lick their own arses... but I will concentrate on getting fitter, healthier, both myself and mike, we have a few years left on this planet, so we will shape up and live that time...

The other week we went down to Dorset, River cottage country, we sat in a cafe and mike had some Dorset cream, we enjoyed the fresh air, the sun, the sea, the whole thing of it... we're big fans of river cottage and for me Dorset is very much my second home as I used to be down there nearly every weekend with friends, I yearn to live there one day... with a couple of cats, dogs, have the odd squirrel or 2 round for tea... I hope that will happen one day... so Mike and me are the biggest priority

PCTs, GPs, the health service, discrimination and equality, hate crime, Domestic Violence, Transphobia... lots to do lots to try and change for the better, the fight goes on and on... could do with a few more troops to help but hey that’s up to others to join up and help, go to forums, meetings, chat to others, inform, discuss, communicate, improve awareness... support the likes of Pfc, Gender Trust, GIRES, one drink less on a T night out could be put in their coffers... it doesn’t take a lot to help... I understand the need to get away from it, don’t you think sometimes I feel it so so much, sometimes I cry and say feck it why don’t I turn away and say sod it... live my 95% stealth thing... disappear with Mike, I think we deserve it, he deserves it... I think we've done enough... but the truth is I don’t want to give up... I want to fight... I want to help... I want to push and push, see people smile... but I have to smile too! I need to laugh... turn the music up to 11, shake my head and scream!

And so I go on, I wont stop... cos that’s me, time for a career change, time to use the powers I have, right now, right here... I can do it... I can do anything I want... watch this space... but over in blogspot ok...

Big hugs to Jo and Tiffany

Catch you all soon, you know where I am... to the right of that star and beyond... and i leave you on blogspot with Nightwish...

Denise
xxx

Boo...

2007-09-25T19:20:00.001+01:00

Heya...

How are you all, just a quick one to say that i will try and do a proper blog tomorrow... i know it's been a while, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster these last few weeks, been busy doing stuff for both Gender Trust and Spectrum, and feeling a bit tired, but im still here... so i promise i'll try and do my best to post something tomorrow...

So from the Legend as shes called, the Jihad for trans people (realises typing that will result in the secret service of the western hemisphere reading this blog entry) and well the one that does what she preaches... i'll catch you tomorrow, until then be ready... the wars a long way over and the next battle is about to begin... they can fight us on the beaches, but we'll still kick their arses....

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Partnership, Partnership, Partnership...

2007-08-28T18:20:00.000+01:00

Crikey those words keep ringing in me ears... more of that in a bit...

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo

How are you all, happy, chilled, stressed, overworked, underpaid... etc etc... usual stuff then...

Its been a bit since I last did a blog, but I have been a bit busy and when I do get moments to type one up I just lose the inspiration to type one really... but hey ho...

What a lovely weekend… loads of warm sunshine… was so nice to get out and about in it, make the most of it now as there has been so little of it…

You know I really hate Wasps, such annoying things, yesterday down the pub we are trying to eat a meal, have a relaxed chat over a beer with a good friend and along they come… look just stay away you annoying waste of things… leave me alone, I am trying to chill…

Last Monday and Tuesday I attended the LGBT Health conference up in Manchester, good to see so many familiar faces that I work with these days, the same people showing up at the same places hehe, as usual FTM London shows us up again, I was the only trans woman from London there, nothing new but frustrating all the same, we must work on that… I did a small presentation in one of the workshops that went really well, lots of questions, and people learned a bit more about the “t” on the end, they realised as some of us have already that we are just as marginalised as them…

I'm out and about doing more things now... Spectrum Haringey still takes a fair bit of time, had a good meeting a couple of weeks ago, think I mentioned that in the last blog... I am doing a lot more to do with the Gender Trust and real life issues now days... I like putting the energy in there, I just don't have the time to waste on silly debates on online forums... hey it's ok if it floats your boat to discuss issues all the time, there is a place for discussion but when you add all the hours up, the amount of time and effort thrown into that and think what if we used that to address the real issues out there for trans people... where would we be... a hell of lot better off for doing it that’s for sure... I have already touched on it, forums are good, they do allow people to meet others, they do help people who feel isolated, but how do you ultimately feel less isolated... by getting out there and living and enjoying what life brings along...

But although it may be difficult for people to believe this, but there are lots of trans people out there that never go online, have never seen an online forum, that are isolated, that cant afford much else... on the streets of the major cities around the country, London, Brighton, Manchester and others LGBT sleep rough, or in hostels, homeless people struggling, yes there are homeless trans people struggling out there... Mike and I met one the other day during some outreach work... she’s a strong lass struggling to get there and that’s the kind of people I want to help... and the kind of people the trans community need to help, that is if we really are a community... whoever you are when you are homeless, whether you are trans or not, once you are in that trap its not easy to break out of it... to be a trans women, living in sheltered accommodation is something many trans women will never ever experience, or even contemplate... work is difficult to find, its a catch 22 situation, you need somewhere solid to live to have a base to get work, its a circle that spirals, its a cycle that needs to be broken... now

I'm not here to beg people pay the trans charities huge quantities of money but I cannot help but saying that 11 quid to pop in a nightclub not too far from Aldgate several times a month is a fair chunk of money... by joining an organisation for the equivalent of a nights worth of drinking and entrance fee to that nightclub gives you a years membership of an organisation that is there to help others... an organisation that survives on less money a year that sparkle costs to run the one weekend a year... there are people that throw money in buckets to allow 2 days of celebration in Manchester that never even think of the likes of some of the organisations in this country that are out there doing very important work that is never seen by the masses that pop in online forums each day and argue in heated discussions about inane things...

There are trans people that are homeless, that are attacked, that are beaten up, that are suicidal, and they reach out for help... people tend to forget they are there... party on down that’s so good fun and hey we all need to let our hair down, but we need to see the bigger picture sometimes, and many are failing to do that...

Out there on the streets trying to do outreach stuff all you can do is pass info on, provide information that might help, chat to others, letting people know you are there at the very least, even if you really can only do just that... people tend to vanish easily in big cities, they get forgotten, they disappear into the masses, people sometimes just disappear, we've got to try and stop that happening and that means shove a few bob or 2 to the charities out there, because contrary to popular beliefs not all charities have endless reserves of money, certainly any dealing with transgender stuff do, and many of us that attended the LGBT Health conference last week in Manchester went there out of our own packets... no we do not want a pat on the back for that, we did it because we cared and that is what we want to do... but I'm pointing this out to show that when huge pots of money are spent on weekends in Manchester, or Bristol, or London other people are spending a small fraction to try and do things that benefit everyone, and in fact safeguarding some of the futures of those party away weekends... i.e. the single Discrimination law battle...

Charities and volunteer organisations in the UK are fighting for funding, they have been doing that for years and years, but now it gets tougher, now they have to compete against others, including people they once worked with on projects to try and get funding, any scrap of money they can... in Manchester this year 2 LGBT charity/volunteer organisations have gone... no money... Truevision, the 3rd party hate reporting system supported by 23 Police forces has run out of money, so it is not available anymore... it has gone... valuable resources for trans people are struggling to continue while parties just stroll along... in order for volunteer groups to get any funding partnerships are the way forward, and that means trans groups and organisations have to work together, that means people that people need to focus, they need to wipe the egos away, scrap the differences and work for the greater good... because it's going to get tougher out there, that is for sure...

Lets do the maths... there is about 10,000 transsexuals apparently in the UK, probably a fair few more, Transgendered people full stop probably amass up to 500,000 in the United Kingdom, imagine if we all shoved a tenner each in one central pot, what could we achieve, groups such as Spectrum survive on no funding for as long as they can, imagine a couple of grand a year, what could that do to hundreds of volunteer support groups for trans issues, imagine what the charities could do with 50,000 a year more, help fund help lines, provide more support... the list is endless isn’t it... but it is just a dream really... still dreams can come true sometimes cant they?

Frightening to think that one weekend of partying in Manchester cost wise could fund the 3rd party hate crime reporting for a year... food for thought eh?

I just have no time for people who aren’t honest anymore, or have hidden agendas, or have a blinkered way in life, more then ever now the words that mike say to me echo inside…. Don’t think it… do it… don’t think it… do it… life is far too short to waste, I don’t want to waste another minute…

I’m proud to be working with some wonderful people in London and beyond... I want to say thanks to my special sister Emma, her boss Barry (hugs) and the rest of Gay Advice Darlington for helping me with accommodation last week in Manchester... Emma you just keep spurring me on... to the FTM London crew... you continue to show up the trans women in London in a lovely way... I just hope a few more of us MTFs show the inclination to start working with you more... to Press for change, Stephen, Tracy, Christine, Ben... Angela, to the crew I am proud to becoming involved with in the Gender Trust, to Ben at Galop, to Inner Enigma, to GIRES, Bernard and Terry a big hug... the list goes on, people that don’t bullshit, don’t have egos, don’t waste time, just give their time, thank you for letting me join in the struggle and the fun....

Partnership, Partnership, Partnership....

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Making a Difference...

2007-08-15T17:47:00.000+01:00

Hiya folks...

Well another week is around half way through, it's weird sometimes, time feels like it's whizzing along, other times just very slow...

Had a chilled weekend, just doing well normal stuff really... mike and I did a little support work over it but that was it really... last night was a Spectrum Haringey meeting, and wow was such good fun... nice to see so many new faces... was a pleasant evening and everyone enjoyed themselves... we always come out of there with a little buzz... as mike said last night, a bit like the pride march thing... and yeah I would agree, the same kind of buzz with the Trans with Pride conference too... feeling you have helped someone, got something done, communicated... made some sort of difference is so fulfilling really... The mailing list is growing and we have some events starting to line up over the coming months… the venue where we have our meetings has a big stage with a good sound system and a music license, so expect to see something happening in the near future…

I’m proud to have taken on the role of London Rep for the Gender Trust too... I am very proud of the trans presence we do have in London, its always been a bit fragmented, it's a big city but the groups within it are working together to change that, the trans with pride conference in June along with the Trans at Pride March in London shows what we can achieve when we come together... each group that exists in London has it's own little niche... subtle but not that different in ways which when combined produce an electric result... as a rep for a national Charity that's main ethos is support I’m looking forward to helping in what way I can to help keep that going... in addition I’m continuing to be involved in forging bridges with the LGB part of the LGBT... next week I will be attending the LGBT Health conference in Manchester where I will be doing a small presentation in a workshop as well... some Trans people feel we should shy away from the LGB side of things, that we should not march in pride, and just get on with things... and hey I can understand this need for some to try a stealth approach, but I have mentioned before that I don't believe you can have total stealth, some have come close of course and are successfully living that life but I feel that if people don't say anything then nothing ever gets done... so I’m proud to adopt the 95% stealth situ with my life.... that’s 95% just normality which I am able to do... the other 5% I will do my best to help support the community and promote that... and I have a lovely partner in Mike that is happily involved too in helping the trans community... even though the old camp of trans people find that funny... but I mentioned that in my last blog...

I have had differences in the past with other people, we have differences in opinion and I will admit that I wasn't happy with the way things had been done... I’m a stickler for people being honest with others and things have happened that have not been, but that’s been and gone now and the important thing is for people to just get on and do stuff together, to work for the common good, the advancement of rights for trans people, the right for people to be happy, for those of us that want to give something back to just keep on doing that, and ensuring that people do not need to feel alone, that people don’t have to have low self esteem and that they have the right to be happy and to be who they are... its as simple as that... and so lets just do that... lets just work on that, share resources, use our strengths and forget the silliness... we don’t need to waste precious energy on online squabbles, when we can use that energy elsewhere....

Again of late thoughts have come back to online forums... and their strengths and weaknesses....#

I still believe that online forums are vitally important to provide the ability for people with similar issues to meet each other... the sharing of experiences and knowledge is invaluable, from links of places to go... to advise on surgical procedures, health care and people sharing how things have gone for them is so so useful... the forums also give the ability for people to find others that they want to meet... friendships grow from this, people meet in real life and that’s the most valuable thing, the ability to talk to someone... meet them face to face, see each other, is the ultimate... but where online forums start to fall over is where discussions become heated... where people start to try to outdo each other on how they perceive things to be, and how things should be done... then the inevitable war of words happen... in cyber land words can be a lot more harsh, the feeling and meaning behind them can seem so clinical, so clean, so unfriendly that misunderstandings often happen, people lose the plot, interpret things differently, the empathy is lost, it just turns into silliness, and I think also reality is lost in some of the discussions... instead of assisting with whets outside many discussions start to claw you away from the very thing you seek to try and resolve... its good to talk but when a genuine cry for help is lost in the ever increasing battle between people to effectively get the last word then all becomes lost...

An example of this is in a thread discussing someone being a victim of hate crime, this of course is never good to hear but when it gets shouted out by someone that had a bad experience in the past and who assumes that she is the only one to have a bad time, and suggests that people should not do anything about reporting, or trying to get justice what does this achieve? Is this a positive thing or by trying to push one persons bad experience on others and to try and influence them to do nothing is ultimately damaging... we have the right to be out there in the big bad world and live our lives, if we all chose to just walk away after being attacked what will happen the next time, and the time after that... what happens when eventually someone is badly attacked, maimed or killed... this is an example of that... when online forums that claim to be supportive end up having long threads full of posts where things start turning into slanging matches, they end their usefulness... it just masks important issues that can be better addressed in a support group face to face...

My belief and its something that I have tended to fail on doing in the past is to leave online forums at a top level, say the occasional supportive and reassuring post, share info, provide links... but to stay away from anything else... as ultimately it takes over... sucks you in, you start to get wound up and angry with the silliness and ultimately drain your own power... its out there, out in the real world away from cyber land where things are needed to be done... we know the issues... we've met people, talked to people, from trans people, and their family or their friends, to employees and organisations, hospitals, doctors, work, rest, play... its all the usual world that encompasses trans things... it isn’t a trans world as some people tend to get stuck in and where online forums push you into.. its just a real world that trans things fit in... and its just making sure the round peg gets in the round hole...

Mike always says to me... don’t think it... don’t say it... do it... so lets go do it...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Minorities...

2007-08-07T17:05:00.001+01:00

So were different colours
And were different creeds
And different people
Have different needs

People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully

Heya....

Just thought id post those few words from a Depeche Mode song... so familiar in our day and age of the big bad world... where differences and understanding continues to breed... people are unsure of each other because they don’t fit into a perceived standard tick box...

Colour, race, religion, how you dress... how you talk... what music you like... what music you don’t like... skinhead, punk, metal head, rap, hip hop... etc etc etc, it goes on and on... I was on a bus the other week and noticed a pair of trainers wrapped around a telephone wire and thought, how silly is that... I also knew that its a sign put up by a gang saying it is their patch... how you learn new things everyday...

The whole world in some way will always never get on with each other... will never understand each other, that’s just the way it is... the fun is to try and get people to see that just because someone doesn’t like the same thing, it doesn’t make them less then someone else... but at the same time we can never ever force our opinions on anyone else...

There’s this big world, and in it are minorities, groups of people that get smaller and smaller... groups, that have groups within groups and then more... its a diverse world out there...

So lets look at the trans world within this world... first of all at the top level, how its perceived and that’s by everyone outside, Straight, Bi, Gay, Lesbian... for many people they see trans issues in a variety of ways... many just think its men wearing women’s clothes, trans men are often never seen, and if they are they feel they are just butch lesbians... the trans world is a hive of weirdo’s, perverts, people that do strange things in the shadow of the night, and some of em even want to change sex... have "the op"... yes many many stereotypes exist... and some of them drift into the immediate top level of the thing they call an umbrella...

Now I can see both sides in the argument of an umbrella... the term transgender covers the whole ballgame and some like this... some don’t, the minority groups within the "trans" umbrella fight to show their differences, some occasionally try to embrace them, they are usually seen as the strange ones... everyone thinks they have Gender Dysphoria... and yes I mean nearly everyone seems to feel they suffer from it... battle lines are drawn, groups fight groups... its quite entertaining really...

The next immediate group down is usually the Transvestite world... now here the term transvestite is becoming more shunned by the transvestite... they aren’t transvestites, they are transgender... but hang on then, if transgender is the common term that’s used in the umbrella to cover everyone... where has the transvestites gone... and what is a transsexual... and is a transsexual transgendered, and where the hell does the 3rd sex, or the gender variant, or Intersex come into it... crikey it gets confusing eh... now you can see why people outside the umbrella look in and go... fecking hell I have no clue at all what is going on there...

On my trips around the place I have met many a trans person, people from LGB, partners and wives of trans people and you hear the strangest things... one Post Op TS said the other day, that once the trans person tells his friends and family, comes out at work, starts to transition, that all these people they have told become part of the transgendered world as well... like they are sucked in by some vortex into the trans world... it couldn’t be that they are actually integrating into real life could it.... oh no its the other way round, don’t you get it, actually the trans world is the real one and everyone else is so entirely wrong... amazing I thought I must have got it wrong myself, damn come on everyone follow me through the vortex, come through to never never land... this is the high life... cor there is so many more exciting things in the trans world, stuff the likes of cinema and ice skating and stuff like that, you can go to a nightclub twice a month in Milton Keynes, now there’s the real life innit...

Anyway I went off a bit there so lets get back to minority groups... we have the transsexual group... simple one really, it is where the transsexual people hang out... now... that doesn’t mean its a closed shop... though shall not enter here unless you are of the special variety... many slip across from the transvestite group... the come through the special getting slightly larger tunnel when they want to... and hey some are known to slip back the other way... they are the unclean apparently according to the special TS... that’s the one that stands on a couple of fruit boxes so people can see them... *wink*

Over to one side is the Intersex group, not to be confused with gender variant, gender queer... although some gender queers and gender variants believe they should be part of that group and hey there’s going to be a few that probably are... but hey we aren't all the same are we? Nope.... that’s ok then...

The gender queer and gender variants are over there... they are the tricky ones because they could conceivably be in the group they prefer to be most of the time, and then slip across back to the other one...

Now to throw in the mix... sexual orientation... and all these groups become like buffers in a pinball machine with people going from one to the other... boing..................

Ok so I’m being a bit tongue in cheek here and generalising a bit... but its not that far from the truth really, just slightly blurred...

So lets bring in another minority group... and its a group that again hits buttons on the big bad world, and sexuality... its the partners...

Now partners of trans people on the whole are just damn amazing... there are those that live with trans people that are able to live with it... they are indeed a rare breed and god bless them for having the bloody patience, because on the whole partners of trans people are crapped on so much by their trans partner its amazing to see them underneath the pile of excrement... yes I said excrement... I didn’t say s**t...

no wonder partners need to be able to vent sometimes... no wonder they have to have their own space... after all many trans groups exclude them anyway... but it isn’t uncommon... trans people really seem to have this inbuilt problem, they cant trust anyone non trans... or non-t as we like to say now... I see it quite often with their attitude towards my partner mike... I can count on my fingers trans people that treat mike with respect and as an equal... I could easily name them here, they know who they are because I regard them as my closest friends...

It seems that even a trans person finds a new partner that cares for them they get relegated for "not understanding" still...

And while I think of it why is it that pre op TS girls end up finding cross dressing guys in chat rooms and feel that these guys are gentleman... I read one the other day going on, he's a real gentleman, he didn’t try it on, and add to that she says I know it wont be more then a casual relationship as he is married... hang on a bleeding minute... you think he's a gentleman and he’s pissing about with you and still has a wife... maybe no wonder trans people treat non trans people like crap, they prefer to have two timing trannies as partners instead...

I tend to take the line these days that if someone has this attitude that someone non trans is suspicious that I shrug and say whatever, but what they must also understand is that I’m a rare breed of trans person, I have the ability to treat people as equal...

I have seen it lately that someone I thought was worth the bother to help is treating my other half as someone not decent enough to be treated equally... when people get to know me they soon learn that as I have a partner he comes as part of the package, you treat him with decency and on an equal footing or you piss off... I cant stand this ideal that as trans people we are special and should celebrate this... screw that lets celebrate tolerance, understanding, the ability to learn from each other, to help each other and to be able to work with each other... I saw very much last Saturday while in the tent at Brighton Pride the people that are able to do that and come and say hi and be friendly and work for the bigger picture and then those that cant and stayed away... and it didn't surprise me who the ones that couldn’t were...

But hey it doesn’t stop there either because partners exclude other partners, female partners look at male partners of trans people and shun them as well, so the minority group creates another and then another and then another... its just goes on and on... people shun each other, power struggles happen, egos, petty things happy, in fighting etc etc etc, its just goes round and round...

I don’t have a problem saying my piece about it and quite simply shunning someone trans or non trans regardless of who they are is just as phobic as someone looking down badly on a trans person... phobias work both ways... and that brings us back round to the very top of this blog...

People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully

Because people look at other different and make the decision... that as they are different then lets treat them that way, inevitably badly... and that I am afraid is called the human race... its doesn’t have to be that way of course, you can try and treat people equally, and hey let it wash over you if they can't reciprocate... cos we are different people, and we have different needs, and that is just the way it is...

Rant off, time for a cuppa but before that a quick round up yesterday, Mike and I got back to the gym for the first time in ages, very tiring, still feeling it a bit today... after the gym we nipped off for a bite to eat before nipping for a walk around London, stopping for a coffee before going home, a lovely normal day... I like them

Cya...

Denise
xxx

Brighton Pride...

2007-08-05T18:37:00.001+01:00

Hiya... :)

Yes a rare blog on a sunday, they dont happen too often... its a bit warm today... have at last some sunny weather...

Yesterday was Brighton Pride and i popped down to lend a hand in the Gender Trust stand in Preston Park... it was good to stay out of the hot sun... i just sweltered in the heat of a tent instead hehe...

But it was good to say hi to a variety of people, hand out and share info... and met quite a few people from London, some being Gender Trust members so thats good for future events and evenings planned in London Town...

I went down by train on the Pride express which was a fun fill train of noise and laughter, and lots of singing... everyone was in a good mood...

Was good to catch up with Rebecca, the boss of GT and help out... and was lovely to meet a bunch of smiling people...

Heya Tiffany, sorry for the short blog but this one is gonna be a short one too, just made a fruit punch with fruit and wine and brandy in so gonna go enjoy that... catch you all through the week and i hope you've all had a good time in the sun...

Take care

Denise
xxx

Sunny Monday...

2007-07-30T17:56:00.000+01:00

Heya

Crikey a whole day without any rain... outstanding... so hows all of you then out there, had a good weekend? Mike and I had a quiet one... pretty chilled apart from the power supply going pop in this machine, but we have a few spare handy so annoying but an excuse to blow a tonne of fluff and dust out of it... and wow doesnt it really fill up...

Todays been nice and busy, typing some stuff, on the phone, doing some other bits and pieces and a little housework too, it is nice organising stuff, tidying things up too, keeps me feeling bouncy...

I am proud now to be helping out a bit more with the Gender Trust, i have now been trusted with being the London Regional Representative and i am really looking forward to doing as much as i can to help where i can... making a little difference, giving something back... yeah i love that... it really does put a smile on my face...

Thanks very much to those of you who have sent me good wishes with this new challenge... i promise i will be putting as much of the Anderson work rate in as i can around everything else that i am up to, your thoughts are really appreciated... honest...

Well i am going to leave this blog as a short and sweet one and get back to some more bits and pices... got some ideas running around my head at the moment so need to make sure i make a note of them now...

Take Care

Denise
xxx

No Subject...

2007-07-20T17:33:00.000+01:00

Heya....

Well crikey doesn’t the gap between my blog entries seem to get longer... I’m sorry for that, I just get caught up in other things these days and so it gets pushed down the big list of priority…of course some people would like me to cease with this shenanigans (Waves to the unbelievers...) but hey then I wouldn’t be keeping them on their toes, reminding them that someone can see right through them... its a bit like that film "They Live", people just need to put the glasses on and they will be able to see what is out there... a classic film in its own right... id recommend a light hearted watch over a bottle or 2, or maybe 3....... in fact maybe drink all 3 bottles before watching it for a true light hearted approach...

Anyway what’s been going on, well Pride and the Trans with Pride Conference has been and gone but not forgotten, we had a meeting last night to start work on the report for the conference… I’m working on the initial draft from the Health Strand perspective, and have all the audio for our strand to sit and listen to which will help me cover the day... Id like to say on behalf of everyone from the team many many thanks again if you came along... we would like to do another one next year... at this stage we have no idea if we will or how the format will be if we can, funding is an issue with both the funders not available as they fund different projects each year and never do the same side community wise back to back, so hey if you know any that might be interested let us know... we hope to have something for you to read in the next few weeks... and are investigating having as much up as we can on a website if its feasible, also I saw the pictures from the conference last night too which look absolutely fabulous, you all look brilliant and it really captures the atmosphere of the day… these of course wont be put in the report or on a site unless we have your permission, us who presented will of course have our pictures in the report or online but we'll be checking with you first as to if you want any up...

Also anyone that is reading this that attended the health strand and would like to input anymore, help with the submission we want it to be as much from you as from us... so feel free to drop me a line... many thanks for the kind words and feedback, we really enjoyed the day and hope you did... I have certainly got the bug again with presentations, expect to see me around the country doing a few more this year, starting in August...

On a group front Spectrum is going well... we don’t tend to shout it from the rooftops really, we just get on and do our things and its good to be out there reaching and supporting people... seeing people coming to the meetings and being able to share their thoughts and experiences and to go away with a smile on their face is so fulfilling to me… we are actively involved in the Borough LGBT network now so local projects in health and safety and support are happening at grass root level, it takes time to make a real difference, and its happening, no drum rolls, blasting it out on online forums, just getting on and doing it without looking for some sort of stardom…

I really love the real support things, online forums have their usefulness of course though of late a couple have lost their way and one seems to have become the extension of a outside group, to the stage they seem to have lost that edge, I hope they get it back... I have so much to do at the mo with on the ground issues in the LGBT field and getting involved more with nationwide trans organisations that I will be limiting the popping in to forums... that doesn’t mean I’m vanishing... just that I will restrict to offering information, links, pointers etc and stay away from discussions as such... with online forums they just end up in a pile of mess, give me a decent face to face discussion and I’m there, like the Julie Bindel Hecklers thing the other night, but online is a no no now, there is too many of the familiar faces trying to put their stamp on people, unfortunately there is plenty of sheep that let them too so they are becoming branded, if that doesn’t make too much sense read it again, I may do so myself... hang on.... yes that does make sense... the problem is with sheep and I apologise if I appear to being rude... is that sheep just go where they are pushed and led, get the sheep dog out, push people through a hole in the wall and they go... which is funny in a way because with this bunch of people being able to manipulate they are in fact no different to Julie Bindel herself, strongly imposing a view, a thought and the people accept it... scary that but if you think of it there will always have to be the situation where someone facilitates others... and that those being facilitated will in effect be happy to be led along... when really they should be encourages to seek to empower themselves, that’s all I do... try and instil in people that its their life... go for it... seize the opportunity... and that was one of the most common themes that came out of the conference, the feeling of people working together, wanting to take this beyond and out there, the feeling of empowerment, the need to do more, as Jason from Transfabulous said last night you could feel the energy before we even got started, it was electric... I really loved that, and I want to see more of that, getting out there and taking the world on... to live it... embrace it, work it, and love it...

I don’t really want to touch much on the Julie Bindel hecklers debate... I just want to point people in the direction of where the show will be broadcast... its on Radio 4 on the 1st August at 8pm and then repeated on the 4th of August at 10:15, tune in, see what you think, be interesting to see how much is edited... I do believe they cut Michelle from the Gender Trust off far too much, she was sidelined several times which was blatant... maybe we should make that point known... After the debate I slipped off for a quiet meal with a couple of good friends, to get away from the big group of trans thing... I had been in a big group of trans people for a couple of hours, just wanted some quality chat time over a lovely meal... and it was just that, relaxed and away from it... it’s finding a balance as I point out to people... a balance is the key to everything, its keeping that balance which is the fun...

Saying that I’m off to a party this Saturday where its predominantly going to be trans, but its going to be relaxed and to the level where the discussions on the bigger issues of discrimination laws, Gender Recognition Certificates, Hormones and Surgery will be few and far between and just having a few drinks, some grub and natter will be good... and a chance to meet up with a few people I haven’t seen in ages... just hope the weather can clear up a bit before then... then its back to meetings next week...

Several blogs back I wrote a blog explaining the hard times I went through on the hope it would help people going through a similar kind of thing, and I hoped that someone I know would have taken that on board... I know she read it back then and if she’s reading this then I’m pointing towards it again, go back, read it, several times and take on board this... and its something that I and many others are guilty of so it doesn’t mean we are perfect and its something you cant learn over night but.....

"Listen to people when they say something nice and positive, don’t dismiss it all the time, don’t sit and deconstruct everything to look for a reason for something, and don’t always look at the negatives over the positives... I’m guilty of it too sometimes still, others that read this will be too, but its striking the balance and in this case tipping the scales the other way that any negatives are treated as something to be learnt from, and acted upon, but never dwelled on..."

Life’s a piece of shit, when you think of it... oh there are times when Monty is so spot on about looking on the bright side of life... some say that the bad moments shape your good ones... but hang on that would mean that you'd be relying on bad times all the time to come along, I don’t believe that... I think that good or bad, happy or sad just happen, and happen because of actions we do and choose to do, its up to us to make the most of the good times and to learn and keep the bad times at bay... crikey I’m really getting so spiritual these days, maybe I’m turning into a hippy.... no way, I’m a rock chick for life, and that’s the way its going to stay, and no I’m not going to dye my hair purple… maybe black one day, though I doubt it, I have the colouring in the cupboard to go to the shade I was a couple of years to go, but I just haven’t got round to it hehe, I will sometime honest...

Which bring me onto a sad note and I promised id write a little bit, Kaitlynn has touched on this herself in her blog but I just wanted to say how sad I was to hear of Kelly Johnson, original guitarist from Girlschool passing away last Sunday, the 15th of July... she had been fighting cancer of the spine for 6 years... she was an excellent guitarist and hit me along with the rest of the band in the early days of Heavy rock and metal with me, Girlschool along with Rock Goddess left a mark on me, I wanted to do the same, be in an all girl rock band, to play it loud and enjoy the fun... so this week Girlschool has been playing very loud in the background... Kelly sleep well hon... and thank you…

So as you can see this blog entry has no subject title, I have rambled on and on in no particular order today, not touched too much on trans issues, I could rant a bit but hey id rather rant out there, outside the door and not on this... I will keep ranting, and Ranting sometimes in this blog but just not today, I’m chilled, and in a reflective but content mood, waiting for the challenges of next week and beyond... I’m a quiet activist, effecting change and moving forward in the only way I know... by just doing it... the old days of activism have gone, you can change peoples thoughts and perceptions only if they want you to, that’s not to say don’t try to, its knowing that sometimes the person or people you want to try and change may just be too set in their ways to even try… and to not end up with your fingers burned… and with that its best I shut up, shove the kettle on and have a coffee…

Have a good weekend all, keep smiling...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Pride...

2007-07-09T17:01:00.001+01:00

Crikey...

Haven’t posted for a bit... but I’ve been a little busy, the title of this journal gives a hint to that really...

So how are you all, all well? behaving? Nah… didn’t think so...

Hiya Jessica, thanks for your description of me....

"jihad for the transgender community. Passionate, sensible, and takes no prisoners. Someone to respect."

I did giggle at that and an evil smile appeared as I read that back to mike... followed by Sasha saying its true... you're a force to be reckoned with... hehe... ok ok I’ll accept your compliments... *pictures mike falling over reading that...* but hey I’m just me and I cant change anything without you lot too so many thanks for those that support me... the revolution continues that’s for sure... we have the discrim bill to worry about, to work on and there’s everyday support, the challenges of homophobia and transphobia to fight still... but there’s always a little bit of fun and fun was had on the 30th of June in London town...

30th June 2007 saw the climax of Pride Fortnight in London with the Pride Day itself with Rallys in Soho Square, Leicester Square and the main Rally in Trafalgar Square after the Pride March.

This year saw the biggest turn out by the Trans community with London Trans groups coming together within the Trans at Pride Section, Trans At Pride consist of the main Trans Groups within London working together on projects such as the Trans with Pride conference and the Trans At Pride March..

Mike and I were up early, got ourselves together and ready to go... it had been a hectic 10 days before chasing down companies to do the T Shirts, leaflets and the banner itself... crikey forgot it would be a bit big, 10 feet by 4 feet to be precise, and doesn’t it look good in the pic eh... many thanks for Lucy helping to carry it all the way round! You are a star!!!

The T shirts were done Tuesday, the leaflets and banner turned up weds, Mike and I sorted the poles and fasteners out and put it all together Friday... was fun carrying the banner on the buses and tubes...

One large section of Trans groups was led by the Press For Change banner followed by Transfabulous, FTM London, Gender Intelligence, Spectrum Haringey, Translondon and Trans at Pride banners... over 100 Trans people with their partners and friends were joined by other trans people along the way and created the largest presence seen at London Pride... a fantastic day with a big buzz created and a lively friendly atmosphere... Spectrum were proud to be part of it and look forward to working with the other groups to an even bigger presence next year... and it will be bigger cos we're going to make sure more people take an active role... pride isn’t just gay and lesbian, its bi, trans, disabled, race, religion (apart from the ones protesting), and so much more, its about being proud of who you are... and if you can find that in yourself then anything is possible... honest it is...

The weather was crap but the crowd was the same size as last year for the heat and sun and Euro pride... come along with us next year... its a fun day, if not very tiring...

Yesterday we nipped down to an old haunt of mine... Hayling Island... it was a little emotional for me... being by the sea is where I used to gather my thoughts, the sea and the wind used to talk to me and it was good being with old friends again for a bit... I’ll be back, smelling the sea air, enjoying the bracing wind and looking across to the isle of Wight... I’m a hants girl through and through, it felt very different driving around Hayling, lots has changed, much for the worse I think, but the beach and the sea were the same and that was what was important to me, I want to be back there now hehe... I’ll be back soon...

Mike and I attended a volunteer training course for the Gender Trust on Saturday, it was an excellent course, good to meet some familiar faces and it was an empowering day... lots of good has come out of it... *Waves to the Belfast crew* I’m looking forward doing what I can to help wherever I can... hey that’s what I’m good at you lot say so I’m not going to argue ok... I’m behaving... anyway I am in desperate need of a cuppa so I’ll sign off for now... remember when life feels crap it does get better if you want it to... just let the sun shine in...

Catch ya soon

Denise
xxx

The Way Forward For Trans...

2007-06-28T18:59:00.001+01:00

Hiya...

How are ya all then... ok I hope...

I’m not sure just how long this blog entry will be, I’m not really sure how many people read this blog anyway... I know a few of you do in yahoo 360, and one or two read it on blogger, though I hardly ever get a comment on that... and probably about 2 people read it on myspace... but I hope its of some interesting reading... I only say how I think and feel... it will always be honest and that’s why I don’t have a journal or diary entries in the online forums... in here I can say how I feel without being crucified by the mods or other members and as you know in certain forums you cant say how you feel, because opinions are there to be shot down, they aren’t support forums, more like discussion forums but unfortunately most of the people in them are people that are happy to shoot down anything that might be real or meaningful or truthful... here I will say how I feel and that’s that...

I want to firstly chat about sparkle... and why I feel it is and isn’t doing what it could do... yes I have touched base about them before but I feel its so pertinent at the moment with what else is going on and what I will mention later that it is of extreme importance to discuss this... because quite simply if things don’t improve in the trans community, mostly on the TV side of things then the community is severely screwed and will not go forward as much as it can in the next few years...

I want to say firstly that this is not a criticism, I want to say well done and thanks to the hard work of Kim, Bella and Stuart this year for making the 3rd year the biggest yet... no I wasn’t there and I don’t want to go anymore until I see something that would make me want to go there and support it but its a big job arranging something of this size, it takes a lot of effort and I know from stuff I do that it drains you but it can be rewarding too...

There are plus sides to Sparkle, the main one being getting people together in one place to meet, people that may not get out a lot get to meet similar minded people to talk, laugh, giggle and share thoughts and experiences, that in itself is so valuable... Talking to someone face to face for one hour is something that an online forum would have trouble matching in achievement in several months... text is just text, you cant see someone’s face, their eyes, you learn so much in a one on one or group experiences...

Workshops are good too, they can help people learn stuff and information is valuable, but they need to go a lot further, they need to have something that’s going to attract people to come back for more...

The speaker section is cool too, its difficult to get people to come along as speakers are always busy and this year the TG07 and Trans with Pride conference were on, thing is they will be there next year too so its going to be difficult to find people but they too are invaluable and it give the chanc4e for professionals, activists and people in the know to engage the community...

So whets wrong then you say, well apart from the standard kinda things which are being passed on in suggestion boxes and will be worked on the concept of it being a transgendered celebration isn’t true... and the problems lies with the fact that the whole thing is anchored on 3 main forums... these forums are mostly TV orientated... and the small amount of TS orientated stuff doesn’t have the FTM element in... its ok saying what does the FTM element want but if you look in the main forums there’s about 4 FTMs and those trans men aren’t part of the mainstream, they aren’t part of the FTM Network, these are the people you need to touch base with, along with other TS groups and forums, its far too TV orientated and the inclusion of gender variants and TS isn’t going to be found in the common forums such as Roses or Angels, you have to go outside of them to find the people... only then will you really get a diverse cross section, and only then will people learn more because of it...

I'll give an example of this, I myself hadn’t met many trans men over the years... but in this last year I have had the pleasure of working with a load of them on projects... I have learned so much more of what they endure through their transitions, through surgery and hopefully through me and other trans women they have met they have learned much too... they didn’t know for example that there are variety of ways we take hormones... many MTFs have no idea why FTMs laser one of their arms... do you know... no? then time to find out eh... the trans world is a big one and for sparkle to really move forward it needs to embrace that... now as I have already said I’m not being negative about it... it has many positives but in order for things to grow the TV side of it needs a push... and I know that’s going to be difficult... that’s the next paragraph for discussion....

The TV population in itself is varied, there are TVs that are out there and proud and then there are those that don’t want to be outed, that can vary from having supportive partners but don’t want anyone else to know to others that are keeping it all secret from everyone... now we know that can lead to heartache when they get outed, partners can feel deceived and things can get bad or really bad or not, but that’s another story and that is something that’s faced away from this... but the problem is how do you increase the awareness unless people are willing to come out... if they don’t want to how can you publicise the event... you cant exactly have film crews there can you or it will be like the parting of the sea with moses, you will have people diving for cover, jumping into the canal... ok that might be an exaggeration but you can see what I mean

Then you get the TV population that want to dress up that little bit more outrageously, hey that’s cool and of course they cant do it in their own neighbourhood but the problem is without the event being publicised and the explanation of the differences and how wide the spectrum is in the trans world then the public only see one thing, they see drag queens... or they see bounty kitchen roll women... its difficult but until more people are willing to come out and be seen and sparkle gets more publicity then hardly any public perception will change... I know the argument that if you change a few peoples perception then that’s good but we need to do more and I’m coming to that point as to why this needs to be done....

The Government are looking at producing a single discrimination law to cover everyone in the UK... its been released as a green paper... appendix B in particular covers the Discrimination law for goods and services for trans people due to come in at the end of this year... this discrimination law draft has not just upset the trans world but everyone is effected from colour and race, disability, age, sexuality... you name it everything is covered and to a degree watered down... the trans section in itself is a minefield, its dreadful, its so discriminating towards us that its a farce... some bits of it are worded reasonably logically until you look closer... other bits are just plain stupid but the fascinating things is that people don’t realise that the likes of Press for change are working their arses off on this to get a consultation response in...

The document itself is over 190 pages long, there are also supplementary papesr that are supposed to help explain... its a big paper and a lot of man hours are involved in getting a submission in… the deadline is the 4^th of september... but you see in the trans world Press For Change get shot at from both sides... from the TV section you hear... "Oh PFC is for TSs only, they do nothing for us..." while on the TS side you hear "Bloody Pfc what with them doing stuff for them TVs they are making it difficult for us... blah blah blah"

In essence they are getting in the neck for actually working for all of us... the discrimination bill in particular has a reference where it talks about helping only Transsexuals that are permanently changing role and saying they wont help those that aren’t presenting permanently as that is a lifestyle choice... but the bill goes into things such as "As long as they have had counselling that should be enough..." It isn’t... there is a wealth of wrong in this bill that will end up causing problems for trans people that don’t opt for surgery who live fulltime who for no fault of their own might not be able to do it are going to not be covered... I could go on and on but I suggest you go read it yourself...

http://www.communities.gov.uk/index.asp?id=1511211

Now Pfc are doing their one, Agenda are doing one, GIRES are doing one, id imagine Gender Trust will, and FTM London... and Spectrum Haringey hopefully though its a hell of a lot of work to do on top of everything else which is called life...the same old people again and again... working their arses off and just how many people are aware of this discrimination bill and what its going to do if things aren’t challenged and changed... not many... is this discussed in Roses, or Angels, or TVChix, or Nuttycats... nope... the rest of the trans community needs to lend a helping hand because the few are working their arse off for the many and they cant always keep bloody doing it!

So sparkles fine for getting a 1000 odd people together, but if those 1000 people learned what actually is going on and how they can help improve things for all trans people in years to come then that would be good... if this discrimination bill goes through without significant change then the trans community is going to go backwards in protection laws... the government are good at making out that the bill will be more flexible but its going to lack in power, its going to lack in providing cover and on the whole its not going to provide the support that we can all benefit from and I mean we can all benefit from... the laws that have come through for the TS side have made it easier for the TV side of things and now its time for everyone to lend a hand...

People are quick to spend £50 a night in Manchester, then add on travel, drinks, food and that bill goes higher and higher, but to get a fiver out of them for the likes of GIRES or Pfc, or the Gender Trust is like getting blood from a fecking stone... that’s where it starts, a little bit of money then the next thing is to start to talk and realise that there is a big bad world outside of the trans world and people need to stop sitting in it for safety... think how many relationships would be together if partners knew about trans issues from day one... think how many trannies wouldn’t have to sneak away and lie where they are going to wives if people knew more... understood more... shared more... less divorces, less arguments, less people hurt, more people in the know, public perception would be greater... more businesses would benefit from the spending power of trans people... the government would have people pressure on it... the likes of pfc would have people power behind it, some financial cover... for feck sake Stephen Whittle has MS and he is still working his arse off for the better for trans people, most of them who don’t know who he is but as long as they have a boogie and a meal in canal street then that’s all they worry about... its got to change... sometime... and the sooner the better... starting with people reading the consultation document and lobbying their MPs to let them know what they think...

I know this will fall on deaf ears and that some will still dismiss what I’m saying but hey many have before when I tell them the cold hard truth... at the end of the day life is what you make it... we know there is an element in the TV community that love the secretness of things, it gives them a thrill... we also know there are plenty of stuffy elitish TS people as well, but in the mix there are lots of trans people from in the closet, through gender variant to full blown full time non op and post Transsexuals and lets not forget Intersex too that need to start looking at common values and staging points that they can work with... or things are truly screwed...

And the final thought is this, if we want the LG and B to understand us then we need to start understanding ourselves too...

Rant time over... thanks if you have managed to read this this far...

Denise
xxx

A Quiet Day...

2007-06-24T20:27:00.001+01:00

Crikey... writing a blog on a sunday.... omg...

Well you know i always like to do something new you know... dedicated leader of fashion... today a blog on a sunday, tomorrow hanging people that look like little hermits... well maybe not tomorrow... but the temptation is there... and when does he ever wash his hair.... yuk... more about that person another time as i have a whole blog dedicated to a slimy little two face untrustworthy slimy character... oh yes indeed... might gee him up enough to actually face me rather then try and darken my name when im not anywhere near enough to have words... but he hasnt faced the one they call a legend yet... *Wink*

Anyway... been a quiet weekend... next weekend will be more manic with pride, looking forward to it... hope it stays dry... and im sure hanging out with 100,000 people will be cool, afterall it has to be better then 1000 in a small street up North innit... all of the bits are sorted... just geeing up a few people to attend...

Todays been ice cream, crisps, cheese on toast and lots of cups of tea... both Sparky and Junior have been by and its raining again... still it means theres no chance of a Wimbledon finishing on time, which means even longer for Neighbours to stay off the tele...

Hope you've had a good weekend... and if you did go up north i hope you will recover soon...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Not quite here...

2007-06-21T17:52:00.000+01:00

Just a little lost... just seem spaced... minds racing overtime... it feels as im outside looking over my shoulder... just very mixed up today, niggling things and i cant really place them... a little angry, a little sad, a little down but also occasionally smiling, its all in some crazy mix... things just feel on top of me... thats not to say they arent there anyway but im just feeling them at the mo...

I played some bass, i went for a walk, i sat with the squirrels and nothing has shaken it... im a bit scared as why this is hitting me like this... i feel like that moment in Pirates of the carribean 3 and that theres mutliple Denises about... hey that would be handy though, they could do the housework... and everything else and i could just sit here and feel stoned... which although ive never been stoned maybe thats what i am...

No its not some bleeding post op thing either... im just feeling a bit off, maybe its me mones playing up... but life wise im just as happy just a little disillusioned with the people im trying to help... sometimes you just feel the community is a lost cause...

The pic today somes me up, im a little scared, a little wired, a little lost, punch drunk... whatever im just not sure....

Still im happy not to be a "star" member of a group in london... the very same group thats trying to make out it was part of the conference last week... when will they ever be honest with anyone... and when will the people that go there stop being sheep and realise that they are being conned by people that dont care a shit about them...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Trans With Pride...

2007-06-18T17:59:00.000+01:00

Howdy Folks...

How was ya weekend then... was a nice one here... Emma was down for the Trans with Pride conference so stayed here sat night, so a chilled have a few drinks and relax after the conference was needed... Friday was a manic but fun day indeed...

And so lets chat about the conference and being proud in relation to this...

Wow… what a day…

15th June 2007 saw the first of what we hope will be many more annual happenings of the Trans with Pride conference.

Kindly funded by the TUC, London Pride and The Central School of Speech and Drama, Trans With Pride conference 2007 took place at Oxford House in Bethnal Green and was attended by 150 Delegates.

People came from throughout the UK and elsewhere in the world and included trans activists, writers, union members, health professionals, support workers, academics and varied support organisations.

The conference had four working strands for the day that in effect gave us four mini conferences within one. The four strands were:

The Workplace: Towards a Healthy and Happy Working Environment, and Inclusive Communities

With invited guests: Professor Stephen Whittle (Press For Change), Jo Bernado (Association for the Study and Defence of the Rights of Gender Identity , Portugal ) and Michelle Bridgman from the Gender Trust

In association with: The Gender Trust

Trans Health Trans Choice

With invited guest: Christine Burns ( Press for Change) and Emma Roebuck ( Criminal Justice Worker from Gay Advice Darlington )

Visibility: Safety and Education

With invited guest: Jamison Green (author, activist)

In association with: Galop and Trans Youth Manchester

Private Spaces: Family, Friends and Lovers

With invited guest: Ignacio Rivera (facilitator, activist)

In association with: GIRES and Mermaids

After a inspirational opening speech from Christine Burns and a quick run down from each of the strands on what they were planning to do for the day the delegates switched to their strands of choice to work on the issues.

At the end of the day we reconvened to sum up what we had achieved before Kate Bornstein renowned Trans Activist and author made a rousing closing speech including her observations on the day after spending the day with us visiting all of the strands to get an overall perspective of what we were achieving with our work.

The day was truly an inspiriting and achieved many of its aims, empowerment, the feeling of belonging, the need to educate and inform, to improve the lives of trans people and how we can achieve that through education and communication

There was a definite sense of people wanting to work together for these common goals. From partners, friends and families, to workplace employers and employees, to Health care professionals and Trans people themselves the sharing of knowledge, the issues that effect people and how things can be worked on to achieve change shone through… I certainly feel fired up to continue to do more…

Spectrum Haringey are proud to be involved with Trans with Pride, working with other trans groups in London and UK wide and look forward to continuing this work for months and years to come… Many thanks to Serge and Jason at Transfabulous for hosting this as part of the Transfabulous Festival, a big thanks to the TUC and Pride London for providing funding and web space to help promote this… and a big thanks to Jay Stewart and Catherine McNamara for having the staying power to work with and keep us in hand as the bosses in the working group these last few months, its not over, there's a report to help write and there's next year to start looking at, but we have shown we can do this and with even more support next year we can only get bigger and better. We are looking forward to next years already… watch out for the report in the next few months, I'm sure its going to be great reading...

So that was the conference and it raised many chats after over a drink or 2 or on msn with people... Christine in her opening speech touched on the need to be inclusive if you are really to have an equality law, and of course she is right here, if there is to be a true trans equality law then in a sense we would need to encompass the entire trans community which is so fragmented I just cant see that ever happening... lets take sparkle for example this coming weekend... where does that really fit in on the being proud to be trans... some beauty pageant, a couple of TG bands, some other bands appearing, a few meals, a lot of tranny friends clubs and bars and a couple of speakers with a few workshops... does that really promote being proud... is it really promoting trans people... will it genuinely help change public perception? Well the argument will always be out on this and my personal view has been covered before... there needs to be a hell of a lot more done with sparkle to create more balance from what can be seen as just a party in a ghetto... there is too much emphasis put on image with sparkle which fits in with more of the established TV way of things...

If you look in most of the TS side of forums nobody cares about who the Kit Kat dolls are, except a few that can see the negative aspects publicly that they produced... but the TV side of things generally seem more upset that they got banned, it just seems its ok and part and parcel of things... I would have thought that when the location of the auditions was a well known trans club where a lot of girls on the game frequent that this might just have been a disaster waiting to happen... they create a tranny band for some TV talent show and lo and behold some of them are on the game and got found by the press... it will cause some flak out there for a bit... of course it will blow over but its like sometimes for every two steps that go forward there’s always someone to drag you back one and the kit kat girls will be that...

The sad thing is that not all trans men and women have the comfy zone of a trans club in London every week, not all of them do it for fun... not everyone is close friends with the tranny venue owner... there are many trans people on the escort route that do it to survive, to pay for drugs, for surgery, to live because they feel the real world is against them... these are the people we need to get to, to help, to care for... with health checks, HIV checks... with laws protecting them, with the right to get a job and not be discriminated against because they are trans...

If we look at the Trans with Pride conference and then look at sparkle and these side issues such as the kit kat dolls then there is a big distance in between, its not impossible to brings things together in time and maybe people could work together but ask most of the people going to sparkle if they really care about core issues and most just wont be bothered... most aren’t interested in better sex health cover for trans people, or health cover full stop... most aren’t interested in what issues face friends and partners, as there will be a large amount of them there on their conference or golf weekends that have wives and partners very much in the darkness about what’s really happening... unfortunately most are more interested in time away in a Lesbian and Gay friendly area having a few drinks then to worry about a trans person being a victim of hate crime... and that’s the differences we face... and whether Kate Bornstein or Christine and Stephen from Pfc and others feel we need to be inclusive as much as we like the 2 main factions (and they do exist with just a little blurring in between) just cant work on the differences enough to make things happen...

That’s not going to stop me and others trying of course but its extremely difficult to try and put your side across and explain there are issues out there when you get people on both sides that are just not interested... its the same on the more established TS side... who have the attitude oh well don’t say anything, keep quiet and move along... if the human race had done that we wouldn’t be here now, it would have destroyed itself by the time we would have been thought of...

The sad thing for me was seeing a bunch of sparkle flyers at the conference on Friday but not seeing any presence from the organisers there... there is so much of this problem where people and organisations within the trans community wont work together, much of it still because of egos and cliques, the drive to be top of some imaginary pile... to say look at me and what we have achieved... we still have that in London though im hoping that particular group is finally having it sinking in just how much better it could be if we could put aside personal differences and work together... im happy to work with them, its just them that seem to have an attitude issue they need to address for the common good of trans people... we cant afford to waste anytime bickering... when we could use it to push for better things...

I came out of the conference Friday tired but happy, happy that my presentation went ok, that our strand went well as well and created some great thought, discussion and agreement on the future and how we can work to shape it, that’s the general feeling of the whole conference... now if we could show that to others out there that are more concerned about silly cliques... sill beauty contests that might seem fun but really are effort that’s wasted that we could do so more to get the message across then there wouldn’t need to be weekends away in Manchester when people could just go and have a night out which was cheaper knowing that they didn’t have to hide away and be ashamed of who they are...

Take care all

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Scorchio... or so they say...

2007-06-08T17:08:00.001+01:00

Hiya Folks,

Crikey 2 blogs in 2 days... well you know what they say about buses eh... and if its a bendy bus then apparently it might be the last thing you would say, apparently according to the Evening Standard they are a lot more dangerous then the conventional buses, with more people dying because of them, scary that, I thought with the way they manage to bring traffic to a standstill in London that it was the opposite but they are 60 feet long, so if you are a pedestrian or on 2 wheels I can see the nightmare of them... and what’s more Ken the Mayor wants more of them on the streets... should be fun...

Anyway they reckon its going to get hotter this weekend, so scorchio is coming back... out with the sunglasses, skirts on... well only if you feel its necessary with the skirts guys... we girls have the safe knowledge of them being an optional extra...

Sparky and Junior are popping along, grabbing the nuts, Junior as usual grabbing as many as he can while Sparky just takes the one, sparky is also very slow today, not really bouncy at all, seems to be waddling a bit... might be pregnant... im still wondering if Sparky is Juniors mum, but like Mike and I aren’t really experts in determining the sex of Squirrels...

So not sure what’s occurring this weekend... ive just finished the slides for next weeks presentation, I went back and did some tweaking so Im kind of happier with them but im like that, I like things to be the best as possible for things like this... I think we'll probably go out somewhere over the weekend, I fancy a quick trip to brick lane market Sunday before it gets too busy though that stretch of the Northern Line isn’t running so it means fiddling about with the metropolitan to Liverpool street...

Today id like to go back a bit in time and share some times a few years ago for a friend I know going through some hard times to read... Mike will say don’t go there again and bring this kind of stuff up so it wont be too graphic but it will show how dark it can be...

The date 2nd of Feb (or there abouts) 2004... 2 days after my birthday, which had been quite a good night up in London town where a friend Andrea had put a bit of a party on for me at Stormes... that was cool but the next day I had a filthy argument with someone I thought was a friend, well without going into history things hadn’t been good with this ex friend for a while, anyway to cut a long long story short and I mean that as this blog would become very long I just flipped into the abyss, the darkness had been around, I was feeling lost and down but the birthday night had helped a bit... but I was in a state of flux really, I needed to go forward, I needed fulltime but I just couldn’t really see it happening... I had set the wheels in motion to move to Stevenage so that was on... a new start somewhere new and somewhere out of Farnborough... but I just couldn’t see anything but darkness, this hassle with the ex friend was something that had been a major contributor... I had been made to feel a failure compared to her and a friend over a period of time... so my self esteem was shot, confidence was up and down, one minute I could take on the world one hand and blindfolded, the next I was a pathetic soul just seeing nothing as possible... so... I tried to do something silly...

Now I have known friends that have left this world... some people say its the easy option, I don’t think its an easy option or a cop out at all... and it is easy to sink into that abyss, and seeing that that’s an option... I didn’t feel I had people to talk to, to lean on, I just lashed out lots, had spats in online forums, arguments at venues in the past with this particular person... enough was enough I just lost it... pills lined up... vodka at hand... but something made me stop in fear, it wasn’t my night again that night... something spooked me and I rang a friend, and talked me around... made me drink buckets of water and I didn’t go any further down that slope that night... I actually went off water for a bit after that... but not vodka and orange...

So the morning after I was chatting with Ashleigh in Darlington on MSN, I was just a bleeding useless wreck when suddenly Emma grabbed the keyboard and said "Hi, get your bags packed and come up here..." My mind was a bit over the place and after some thought said ok and grabbed some stuff, plotted the route out and on a wet Feb day headed up north... gawd that was a long day of driving, it actually took me with all of the traffic 7 hours to get there... but got there I did and I was met by Emma who ordered us a pizza and I sat down for a long long chat that saved my mind and my soul and is one of the reasons im still here typing this... I had never ever met Emma before until then, apart from a few emails and posts on a small MSN group we knew nothing much of each other... she opened up my head and helped me arrange the wires back in some order... she listened and suggested... she knew the score and where I was heading with things... and it was good to have someone that could listen to me... im good at listening, and I hope I get to somewhere near where Emma does these days but she really sorted me that night... and she still does... yes I still ring her from time to time when I need that head tweaked... and I was up there last month for a few days... she is someone very special... and someone I know I can lean on from time to time... the problem is sometimes you really feel you cant... that’s the cycle you have to break...

I remember hitting the town that night with Emma and Ashleigh, visiting Berlins club, and then the Atlantic, feeling quite ill and being in the loo with a dozen lovely lesbian lasses looking after me but having a smile on my face, a grin... 6 weeks later I had moved to Stevenage, new start, changed name, everything on track... and I owe that to Emma for being there and listening to me when I needed it... because of her im still here today, because of her and her inspiration im putting back in what she gave to me... for anyone else that hits that abyss, cos its not nice, its not pleasant to be there and if I can do anything to help someone stay from there then I will...

Its why im helping to run a support group... its why im at conferences and presentations, its why im still floating about online here and there... to make that difference if I can... so never be scared to lean on someone just a little, that’s what true friends are for... and you don’t find many of them in a lifetime...

And with that its time to go get that cuppa hehe... so you all have a good weekend... and remember plenty of sun cream...

Take acre

Hugs

Denise
xxx

What is... How is... where is... oh shucks its just the way it is...

2007-06-07T17:05:00.001+01:00

Heya...

Been a while innit... sorry been a bit busy really, lots of things been happening... meetings, more meetings and then to cap it all a few more meetings in between... oh so much fun... last nights was manic, I went to this meeting at city hall and like there was about 70 of us there, round a huge boardroom table... it was so busy all the sandwiches were gone when I got there... *makes a note... get there earlier...* still it was a good meeting, im getting to feel like a bit of the furniture there with all these discussions... still its good fun and you get a feeling you are actually contributing to making a difference, and that’s very cool... online stuff is ok for networking anyone that may come across locally or nationally for outside projects and support but otherwise online forums really just end up becoming silly bitching holes with pockets of people just hell bent on trying to make someone else miserable... its strange isn’t it that for some people that are no matter what they say struggling a bit that they somehow get a buzz out of making others feel shite... I don’t get it, is that that transference kinda stuff? Hell who knows but I wish they would just stop it and concentrate on other stuff, like watching some mediocre television programme, or go read a book, or perhaps just go and have a life occasionally...

The Trans with pride conference is coming up fast... really looking forward to it, a chance to see some good people and friends again... I was walking along the south bank back to London Bridge with no other then the lovely Persia West last night chatting about stuff, stopping briefly for me to take a picture of a couple from Hong Kong for them... and its was just so refreshing to have a natter with someone that is so full of life... Persia has been working herself to the bone over the years, does so much to give things back, she’s been training some senior police officers the last few days on things... that’s making the difference, that’s raising the perception, the acceptance... that’s where it matters out there in big bad land... she said to me "Denise, there was a time when I thought id never want to hear the word trans again, it would make me feel sick, but you know some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life is through the trans world, and it makes me proud to be able to know them and be proud of who I am... and she’s right... on the whole with some exceptions most people ive met and got to know are some of the nicest people I know... and to count them as my friends is something special...online forums have their uses of course, people that aren’t out yet, or are in areas of the country more sealed off, people that need to meet others, get basic advice, links to other sites, share experiences, of course that’s vital but so much is tarnished with idiots that feel they have to tell others what is right or wrong... hey we don’t listen to someone in the street belittling us, we wouldn’t stand for it so for others to lay into people because they don’t conform is nothing more then being a bully, a bigot... someone phobic... people can try and polish it up, say its just being bitchy but its still a case of someone throwing shit at someone instead of a constructive and supporting stance... which is a shame, because what’s missed sometimes is that if that person is feeling vulnerable then when something nasty is pointed in their direction, no matter how nasty it is... will hit someone big when their defences are down... that’s the disadvantage of online forums, where text masks emotion... makes it so cold and clinical sometimes... there’s nowt like face to face chatting, to share emotion, to actively discuss, working together, I love it... and its where I want to stay... you can keep the silly arguments to the playground...

Next week also sees the Transfabulous festival kick off as part of the build up and events in the Pride calendar, a lot of well known speakers, actors and trans activists will be speaking at the festival as well as the conference, it will be great to be able to have a natter with them, we're actually going to have nearly all of Press for change together in one place for once, so plenty of time to have a laugh, a giggle and plenty of chatting over lunch and during the day... im really looking forward to it that’s for sure... but ive said that already... geez I know I know going on and on as usual, but hey I could have a rant instead couldn’t I, which would mean an even longer blog, my blood pressure rising and well... not much else really, it wont achieve anything, its like hitting a brick wall with a pillow really... no chance of getting anything through to them... cos they be in never neverland... eeek that’s immediately put Enter Sandman by Metallica in my head now.... nooooooooooooooooooooo

Oh and we have the pride march at the end of the month coming as well, all the London trans groups walking together, that should be fun *wink*, lets hope it doesn’t rain cos there might be a picnic after too yay :)

Anyway what else has been happening... well Sparky and Junior have been fighting over the nuts... sparky is getting on a bit so he's a bit slower, and junior, well a typical youngster wanting it all yesterday instead of today so the greedy git shoves 3 in his mouth each time he visits, so I have to keep an eye out for him and make sure he only takes one... on the tele there appears to be another big brother which is fine cos I don’t watch that silliness anyway, I hear one of them said some racist remark so she’s been thrown off, that’s cool, and that’s right but on the other side of the fence when will we start stopping the racism and homophobic/transphobic behaviour we have to endure from other religions and colours of people... a good friend was spat at by a Muslim outside a mosque the other day and called a homosexual pig... maybe we should start shoving them in a cell for a couple of days every single time they do that... zero tolerance so that when they start bleating on about us not accepting them and their culture then perhaps they might learn not to do the very things that make us unaccepting... its a funny old world, that’s still got a long way to go in the world of acceptance... which shows just how important it is for people within the trans community to stop bashing each other, there’s enough crap to deal with outside first... lets deal with that as one...

Right time for a cuppa... be good and take care all of ya...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Here, There and Everywhere...

2007-05-18T18:55:00.001+01:00

Hiya... its the weekend... funny how they come round so fast sometimes, how the clock spins quicker and quicker and the time that passes you'll never see again... crikey that’s a heavy statement Denise... yeah well im on that train of thought at the mo...

When I was 18 I probably was like any other 18 year old I suppose, id pass my driving test and given up get wet and cold on Motorbikes, I was heavily into my music, college was gone, work was well work and hey like many people I just dreamt of what id like to do and where id like to be... whether ive made that is for me to say but hey no-one knows where they will be when they were 18...

I don’t think I knew it all then, I certainly wasn’t one for saying older people had it wrong, I never took the Mickey out of people that shared something similar to me cos they were older, and hey if someone older had thoughts and suggestions of where I could do something better I listened, best to know what’s coming then end up doing the same as someone else... experience is to share...

The same old cookie comes round though, if you could have transitioned younger would you... as already explained I feel I wouldn’t have but im not 18 and its not now... kids are different to when I was their age... they are impatient, they want it all, they have it at their fingertips, they don’t enjoy the simple things we had back then, going out and cycling in the woods and sitting on a tree dreaming were perfectly good to do... now kids want the information highway, they want everything now... and that’s no different for some of these young TS that are out there... they are typical teenagers with the GD added... they feel they should have things cos its their right to, they don’t want to earn them, they don’t want to wait, they want it now... because after all they know better then anyone else... but no-one is doubting they know they are GD, what people are saying is don’t keep telling everyone they know better...

I have been appalled at several young TSs of late, and funnily enough they all seem to know each other... they take great delight on ribbing other peoples appearances, putting them down, questioning what they say... and claiming they know better... some of them appear to be endos as they are experienced in self medding, you know the most stupid thing ever to do... but hey they know best, some of them even increase their doses, or try something else because not only do they know best but can read a blood test result and know instantly what to do... they all look better then everyone else forgetting the obvious fact that as they are younger their bodies haven’t had the ravages of testosterone to take them on... and with this in mind they love to tell the older generation what to do... now before I carry on I want to stress this, the older generation aren’t perfect by a long shot... and in the world of trans there are plenty of people with issues that surface, but hey even they know when to pull their necks in...

So would I like to be 18 and transitioning today? If it meant I was the same as these bunch there’s no way on earth... there are a few 18 year old TSs I admire for their attitude, Melanie from Notts especially as she went about presenting herself on the Trisha show, she recorded a message of thanks to her mum and sisters for their support, something rare I see with these young girls... compared to one character who moaned and groaned throughout her documentary she’s a bloody angel!

Egotistical selfish, self important, Im special, I know best, I know everything, ive got my parents to pay for bloody everything 18 year olds don’t get any credit from me when they shamelessly rip into the very same parents that are helping them, yes they are teenagers, yes they are rebelling but there is no excuse to show some respect for not only their elders as in parents but others around them... you see them come into forums with a bang, with the look at me im 18 and im amazing... no you aren’t amazing, you are stupid... being brash and full of it means nothing in an online forum as well as the outside world... the safety cushion of a uni or college which most have apart from those that have their parents paying for it means jack shit... get out there and prove it... and I mean every bloody day prove it... your all so bloody perfect and no-one notices you then perhaps go and sit with the lads in a sports bar, after all they all fancy a good looking young lass and lets see how long your secret is kept...

Im sick of these youngsters ripping into people, I have seen friends upset this week because of it, it makes me sick. but hang on, where do these youngsters hang out, in some secluded special forum, and who else is in there, ah yes I wonder... ok I know, even though im not allowed in that forum I can see them in there, it shows you that so there we are, the ego master of a certain group, the boss of a big forum sharing the same space as these wonderful young specimens... all patting each other on the back, all so wonderful and brilliant and oh so knowing it all... nope in fact they are all a sack of crap... they slag others off and then go and hideaway probably doing their little virtual high fives... and why aren’t I allowed in there, because id get banned ripping them apart for attacking others... these similar minded I know it all have the audacity of calling me a professional tranny... well the words paint kettle black shine big and large out here in real world land... im not a professional tranny folks, im a professional tranny beater... and the bats very big and shiny and looking for more...

So my message for the ones in the small forum that like to rip the crap out of others... come face me for some decent discussion... I can tell you so far the big boss of a forum couldn’t even be bothered to say hi the other night, yes my eyesight doesn’t fail me, I did recognise you, and one of her sidekicks, the ego master in the so called support group that likes to bully people another one... if you want to say anything do it to my face, cos I for one can back everything I say on this blog up 100%, can you... have you got the bottle to... or are you going to sit in your online worlds and take a pop at me and others forever... if you truly care for the community debate sensibly, give other people respect and don’t think you have the upper ground, I treat everyone as a fecking equal, and im a bully says the person that treated someone like crap the other night for daring to test her by bringing her pet to a meeting!

Im fed up with the lying, the backstabbing, the little bunch of elitist bigots, its time they had the guts to face others rather then ganging up on people and being rude and dragging them down... would I be 18 again, no bloody way, would I want to run a forum badly, nope I wouldn’t, would I want to be a power mad I run my group this way and if anyone challenges me then accuse them of being a bully, definitely not... what you see is what you get with me, and no level of bullying, threatening to have me discredited is going to scare me from telling the truth... if im telling lies then prove I am because im not, I have it all freely available for people to see, they can already see it with their eyes, I don’t lie, I don’t slag off others, I have nothing to gain by it, but I will not sit back any longer, threatening me, slagging me off will just twist my arm to produce the evidence I have to have people wanting to take the bat off me and hit them themselves...

What I say here is freely available to anyone, I live by my words, my integrity, if you cant do that piss off and let us that truly care do what we need to do without glory hunters getting in the way!

Denise
xxx

Elitism

2007-05-14T17:43:00.000+01:00

Hiya Peeps,

Hope you all had a good weekend... nice and chilled one here, down the gym, out and about, but mostly chilled... was good...

Today’s blog is on the subject of elitism...

I've already touched on the subject of a group in London and its very relevant in this post too, but its all part of an immediate and quite frightening thing where people generally feel they are in some sort of elite...

I tried to join a small forum the other day, as far as I can see made up of members of another forum im in, only to be turned down because apparently im in the "trans scene", they then went on to say that because I am in various groups, involved in the occasional campaigning, support group general issues that I might upset the members in there... because their members aren’t part of that scene... apparently its something called a "professional trans..." I find this quite amusing because as I pointed out to them there’s nothing I like better then to not talk about trans issues, they are incredibly boring in general... the things that interest me is making sure adequate goods and services, adequate health care and all round medical care are available... otherwise the usual surgery, depth, breast implants blah blah are just so tiresome...

I reckon that I could safely place a bet that in this small forum that has decided I cannot join that there are similar people to me, members of the same other forum im in, maybe management of forums, and maybe god forbid a member of the management of a certain group that doesn’t like me to challenge judge dread type law... I also reckon I could safely bet that they still talk about the same old things... breast implants, surgery... pass ok, meetings to go to etc etc... so in effect no different to the other forum that they are in... but more on some sort of elite level... I hate to think what some of the comments might be in there, and who gets the crap ripped out of them, which is more the real reason im not being admitted to that forum... I would imagine they don’t want someone who is willing to have a go at them for some sort of higher level elitist silliness... I can imagine other trans people being ripped about how they look in there knowing that they have like minded people and don’t have to have someone challenging them on their views...

But there’s more of an alarming thing here really... because if there are people in these small forums, that run bigger forums, and share space with their close friends that run groups, along with their closest elitish friends, are these the sort of people that need to run forums and groups at all, or even attend them, because as they are living in the real world apparently where they aren’t in the trans scene then they wouldn’t have to attend the groups, or be in the forums... which means if im a professional trans then so are they... and that the need for a separate forum isn’t really a case... if they want to be able to express how they feel why cant they in the other bigger forum, especially as management from that forum would share their view and protect them...

It all sounds very scary to me... having to sit in a small forum of few members smells of people that have difficulty being able to express their feelings in a bigger arena... and that’s bad if any of them are post op... after all they should be so confident in what they say and believe that they wouldn’t need to hide away, and boost each others egos... still after seeing how one member of a group acts and has been trying to stir crap about me nothing really surprises me these days...

But there is a worrying level of these people that perceive themselves to be elite, they run their groups and forums, with their set of rules that no-one can really challenge... thou shall not challenge the management... or even suggest a change, or an idea... for it is our forums, our groups and our word is binding... they seem to be in a fairyland sometimes because you say "hang on, what you doing isn’t the right way, there’s another way" and instead of acknowledging it, they then ignore it and then cry off to their friends saying look someone is trying to bully me, please believe me cos im really a fluffy bunny, I could never be nasty..."

Obviously stability and structure has to be established in groups and forums, but for them to truly function people need to be open-minded, and there shouldn’t be cliques and close friends having bias on things... its amazing what you hear or see if you just flick around things such as myspace and other places, I know that the particular group that wont take criticism is backed by one of the bigger forums, and I know why as well, it makes me giggle that maybe this little forum has locked me out because I may see something only for me to read it all elsewhere...

I make no apologies if I hit a raw nerve with someone... because if you want to get into the arena of support issues, and trans rights, and all round support then you have to be honest from the start... if you want to run a group because in turn it massages your ego, it makes you feel powerful then you are in the wrong game... true support doesn’t bring you a pat on the back, you get your reward by knowing you've helped someone... its so easy unfortunately because many people are just lemmings... they will nod and say yes when they are told to do something, and in turn the people in charge smile and nod their heads gently, after all they really care what you think, as long as you agree with them, anyone else, then they nod and smile and then tear you off later when you aren’t around...

What I say in my blog is no different to if you chat to me face to face... what you see is what you get... im not involved in going to meetings, or conferences, or presentations to have an ego massaged, because I don’t have one... im happy with me, I don’t have an issue with what I think or what I say, im not scared to say how I feel and if you want to hear more then by all means sit down with me and chat, and you will see where I come from, empowerment, and confidence, helping someone achieve that.. to feel good about themselves, not tell them what they can and cant do, they don’t need anyone else to do that, they have that already... people need to have their own minds, not to sink into small forums, and small groups, and myspace cliques and little clubs... if people are in love with someone then go and be happy but don’t allow their forums to become the living breathing space for a group because they fancy one of the team!

Im proud to help, im proud to be involved, but im not in a "trans scene" that’s something that trannies do in venues and nightclubs, im out there... in the big bad world, willing to fight for people, so that instead of slinking into special back patting cliques saying didn’t you do well I will face things head on, im not a professional trans... im a person... a person with a mind, a person with thoughts and feelings, and not a lemming that’s scared to say what they think... and by whatever means I will show people that instead of being lemmings they can take on and challenge the pretty lipstick brigade... because they are the ones that need a life! that need to get real!!

Denise
xxx

Shimmy Shimmy...

2007-05-08T16:57:00.000+01:00

Hiya folks...

How was ya long weekend then in the UK that is, and isnt it amazing how the UK grinds to a stand still... partly due to people going away, or partly due to the public transport network having engineering works...

We're used to it in London, with half of the tube network down the pan each weekend... its not a problem right in the centre of london as there are buses about, its further out in suburbia where people can have hassles, as the buses become less as well... yes i am talking about London, in some parts the lack of buses, tubes and trains is similar to your more rural areas... anyway whatever it was where you were i hope you had a lovely weekend...

We had a niced chilled one... on Saturday Sasha popped up to town and we spent the day in Camden checking out various stalls and shops, checking out the local chinese cuisine, and generally putting the world to rights over lots of cups of coffee... along with conversations ranging from people that ooze... Hairy Panty wearers and associated suspects that also ooze to who was the best Dr Who along with the odd mention or 2 or 3 on Startrek... mixed with the usual kinda stuff... the weather perked up during the day from a cold start to a nice slightly warmer afternoon, and we've found somewhere that does cheap tea, coffee, and hot chocolate right in the midst of the market... was a good day... have to do it again soon :)

Sunday and monday were lazy days, watching some films, listening to music, fiddling with computers... just good to kick back and let things wash away... i know its helped charge my batteries up even more, im in bouncy mode and feeling good... popped to the gym today for a light workout on the treadmill and cross trainer... the usual testosterone overload was in evidence... i had been on the treadmill for a few minute when along comes a guy and switched the radio on loud enough to make sure offshore ships in fog could hear it... i stopped my treadmill and strolled over to ask him if he could please turn it down... a startled look like a rabbit in headlights and he complied... i dont mind a bit of background music, in fact upstairs with the cross trainers it was excellent to workout with... but when something is loud enough to make Motorhead have to struggle then thats a little too much...

Tonight is support group night... so will be good to see the peops there, always fun to have a natter and feel you are doing something... im still busy with the Trans conference stuff and the days are ticking away towards that one now... its gonna be a busy summer with trips to Manchester as well as events in London and Brighton to deal with... and theres the Pride March both in London and Brighton, and picnics... phew lots to do but its all good stuff, and its fun too, and making a difference is something that is rewarding in itself... empowering someone to make their steps forward... knowing that they have the belief and the confidence to hit things head-on is so uplifting...

Theres been a thread or 2 in forums and also a few of us have been chatting about do younger girls have it easier in transitioning... i honestly think in many ways they dont... there are advantages of course, but there are still things that are just as difficult to face when you are young... you cant escape how people perceive you... i think the young girls that have appeared of late are incredibly courageous to go for it, and i admire them a lot, they have done a lot of good for the community and i wish them all the happiness... i just worry things might come back to haunt them later... and i hope thats not the case...

I dont think there are many of us who are older that havent said we would have liked to done it younger and hey maybe 5 or 10 for me would have been good... but i still never regret the life ive had before... seen a chunk of the world, had challenging things work wise over the years... and now im happier then i ever was, i never missed out on doing it younger... i feel you cant control time... if things were different would i have met mike... maybe, maybe not, who knows where we will be tomorrow... but im glad things worked out the way they did... cos i can safely say im still very happy and have no regrets at all...

Anyway, time for a cuppa me thinks...

So take y'all, keep smiling

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Howdy Howdy

2007-05-04T21:07:00.000+01:00

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,,, how the devil are you all?!!

Its been a while innit... yes i know... been quiet eh? But here i be with a quick word or 2 for you to get bored with over a coffee, or hot choccy, with a biccie maybe, or if not a biccie maybe a big chocolate cookie... the ones in sainsburys are seriously nice...

Anyway before i say anymore i have to say serious respect is giving to my coal mining friend Tiffany, hiya hon, serious respect to you for that day down in the mines... love the white outfit... was that the right colour for there, you are going to need serious stain removing stuff for the washing machines thats for sure... big hugs to you...

Big hugs to the blackpool possie, been checking in, good to see things are going well up there...

*Waves to Sasha* See you tomorrow hon for a natter, some grub and some shopping, its ok mikes used to it... especially the grub bit...

I wanna say a big thanks to my big sister Emma who put up with me for a few days in Darlington last week, many thanks for the chill time, it was nice to get away from the smoke for a while, we'll be seeing you soon hon...

Its been a fun few weeks thats for sure, busy doing stuff, out and about and managed to get in the guinness book of world records for being in the largest coconut orchestra, along with mike and a good friend Lucy... was a fun time and recognised a few people funnily enough even in that 5700 orchestra in trafalgar square...

And with that its an appropriate moment to say bye for now, with a song dedicated to people out there that get the odd moment of crap thrown at them, days like that come along every so often but these lyrics some up what its all about... sing along with them and let the hassles wash over your head...

have a great weekend....

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistle]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...

Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistle]

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistle]

Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]

Sometimes...

2007-04-21T00:20:00.000+01:00

Hellooooooooo....

Good afternoon.... the suns out, its nice and pleasent temp wise, not too hot... and im back with a blog... though how long it will be im not too sure...

Todays been a bit up and down, in fact the last few days have been for both me and mike...

Sometimes... you just wanna screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam...... aaaaaaaaaarggggggh....... poosticks!!!!!!

Emma me good pal up darlington said to me, when you start getting into the area of supporting, helping and caring for others remember its a no thanks situation, you will hardly get a word of thanks and if you go in expecting any you will learn... i do know that indeed, sometimes i get so frustrated with egos and power mad individials jumping on the bandwaggon for no more then instant fame and thinking they are special... but they end up not really achieiving what the primary aim is... and thats to support...

The support group im involved in is a peer support group, our aim is to help the people themselves gain confidence, to empower themselves, thats how i work with newer girls, to show them that their worries and worries can be conquered, i did it, so can they... thats the purpose of our group, its a small local one, with no aspirations, dillusions of power... we are just there as facilitators, making sure it doesnt drift, we do the publicity, the website and networking but the real power of the group is by letting the members decide what they want, and thats not asking them if its ok to do this, its asking them to tell us what they want... we dont claim to represnt them in anything, but we're there to assist them, to support them, to be an ear and if we can share ideas, thoughts, experiences and that helps them achieve what they need, to go away with a smile, to know that someone else cares and doesnt just see them as an avenue to make a name for themselves then our job is done...

Mike and i work the same way with social meets, the curry a few weeks ago allowed a few of the newer girls to come along and meet us, let their heair down, realise that no-one is giving them any strange looks, we are just a normal bunch of people having a laugh, good natter, good grub, drink and company... and seeing those girls smiling, their shoulders dropping and a sparkle in their eyes means so much to me... thats just me innit...

Alas though you do get people that are out to make a name for themselves, mike says im well know but that i hope is because of my integrity, how i present myself, my credibility that ive earnt... there is another group in good old london town that im afraid although had the promise of good intentions is slowing trying to assert itself as the be all and end all of trans matters... attracting a good turn out of people turning up it had promised after a bit of pushing that it would look at a proper structure, a committee, a constitution... so that the members had more of a say and that the people that maybe could speak for them had the backing...

This hasnt happened, in the first 2 months they lost one member of the committee due to her not wanting the hassle and the massaging of egos as she put it, another committee member shortly followed her after only joining a month before, and they were the 2 people that could have drawn up that constitution... the committee badly treated mike, they have never apologised to him for the way they treated him, one of the leaving 2 is part of one of the leading trans charities in the UK, she should have known better, she should have been able to see things were not right... still she jumped ship quickly enough... and they only now been going 4 months...

Now this group with an unelected leadership claim that they have the right to represent other peoples views... i know in the world of politics most MPs dont have integrity so the fact that the people running this group have that level of decency might in some ways make them ideal some say... but i beg to differ... if they genuinely care for the people that turn up to their meetings then they would listen to criticisms levelled at them as equally as praise, they would learn from suggestions and advice and work accordly, they would have the basics in place, a decent mail list to keep people up to date, a website that doesnt get updated once a month, usually the day before the next meeting... they would try and exert pressure on online forums claiming that they are the upcoming voice for london... because they have never been elected, dont have a constitution and lack credibiility, decency and basic politeness in what they do... the term piss up in a brewery is quite appropriate here...

Their latest arrogance is claiming that they will represent the people attending the meetings at a special panel on May 1st... and will present written submissions, in the interest of making sure this thing could be done i actually checked with the panel, and the panel have confirmed that they arent taking any written submissions at all.. but instead of taking that on board they still claim that they will submit a list of questions... i have stressed that this cant happen but she ignore what i type... because this one member of the management team in particular is well known for her single minded arrogance, she cannot accept criticism, she ignores offers of help, she does everything her way and her way only... yet funnily enough she shys away from discussing anything with me face to face... choosing to portray a fluffy bunny i care so much image to everyone that hides the complete opposite in the way she treats people... tell me this one, who seriously would buy 4 domain names for one support group and instead of registering them in the name of the support group, puts them in her name... thats someone whos both paranoid and powermad at the same time... someone thats determined that if the group- ever folded then she would have control to stop anything else coming up...

What you see is what you get with me... i dont lie, im the same face to face as the person that is typing this right now... my only aim is to help others in the trans community and i dont want glory, i dont want to ride on the backs of others to get a name for myself, i answer all questions thrown at me and i'll always give you an honest answer, something some of you have learned over the years... i will continue to challenge this group full of unelected leaders, i will challenge their ethics, their so called support and caring, their need to control things without letting others have their say, and i will do my best to empower others to do the same, to challenge a decision, to say hey thats not right... to push for their voice to be heard, whether its in the city hall in London, or some small bookshop down a backstreet... it makes no difference to me, we are individuals, we have the right to be herad, the right to empower ourselves to live the lifes we want... it can be crap sometimes dealing with the big world without some jacked up arse with serious personaility issues trying to tell us what to do in the trans world...

Now i havent named names, and most of you will never know what the hell im going on about in this blog, but the beauty of ut as per usual with me... is that its all a true interpretation, not made up, very very much real... and until its taken on and sorted out they pose a bigger thret to the trans community with their cavalier attitude then a bunch of skinheads on a corner street, at least with the skinheads you know whats coming, this other bunch change their spots, change direction like a flag in the wind, and what they are within seconds... one minute a discussion group, then a support group, then a campaign group... you can get giddy trying to keep up...

Anyway enough said about them for now... rest assured though if i have to take them onb myself because others are frightened to then i will... just like id take any bully on... bullies are cowards... hence another reason none of my emails have ever been answered...

Right back to real life... what do ya think of my pic today.... is that a major awwwwww. he looks so much like sooty when he was young.... big ears, big paws and a cheeky face... awwwww he is cute...

Oooh an update on the squirrels, junior is continuing to learn fast and giving sparky a run for his money... sparky chases him off but then straightaway he's back again and so its a battle to who gets up in the window first.... i know some people find them vermin and yes i love red squirrels more but i still fine them cute...

So.... at the moment i have some megadeth playing very loud, and letting rip in this blog, but im calming down, and starting to giggle and starting to grin, lifes just too short innit... so much to do in such a short time... every minute we live we'll never have back... and to think eastenders takes 240 minutes of that every week!

Im back down the gym now, tomorrow morning will be a slow turning up of the wick, my tendonitus seems to have slipped away with the help of the pills and resting but i so much wanna get fitter... im not getting any younger... in fact ive never been getting younger at all so i have to keep myself in check as much as possible, especially with the likes of me younger sisters joanne, and natalie... crikey met another lovely young lass last night... adelle... gawd i need sever surgery now... nip and tuck and liposuction with a fire engine hehe, still they are keeping me on my toes more... as long as they remember im their older sis and not their mum im happy, though working it out with some of them i am old enough to be their mother!

Monday was a frantic day... i nipped into town for the gym, popping in the bank first to pay some cheques in... now the young girl was having a bit of a bad day it seems, a bit spaced... anyway she stamped the book and slip and hands the book back and off i go to the gym and then home... its not until about 2 hours later that i realise shes given me the paying in slip back too! So with the agility of a speeding cheetah i whizzed up the hill, caugh the bus, ran down the hill into the tube station, ran down the stairs as the eacalator is still not working after 2 weeks, ran straight onto a tube train, got out of it, ran upstairs and along tottenham court road to the bank... the girl was so apologetic, "sorry Miss Anderson i tried to ring you..." bless her... still i got all that extra exercise out of it... and then on the way back i ended up in a bus stop full of young girls, all about 16/17 plus another couple of women when a young lad walked past with his shirt off, the young girls gave him a bit of a ribbing and we all ended up talking about Johnny depp, and that harry potter chap... apparently he looks quite good with a top off, well yes he does look better then that lad who walked past... ive never seen Johnny with no top on, but im willing to make comparisons....

And with that its time to sign off, before i re-write history... or something as big...

Be good... keep smiling and remember.... no-one has the right to tell you who you are and how you should be....

Hugs

Denise
xxx

Ive got the blues... and i dont mean chelsea...

2007-04-13T16:46:00.000+01:00

Heya...

Well its friday... the 13th... and its lovely outside...

I went for a bit of a walk earlier... nothing really special but a slow stroll around, sat with the squirrels a bit round the back of where we live... old junior is at that stage where he's brave or silly but he was jumping from branch to branch, and occasionally popping over for a cloer look... "Ah yes thats one of them mad people that keep feeding us nuts... sniff sniff... nah the human doesnt have any now... back to me tree..."

So after a while outside chilling away ive thrown myself a bit at washing a few things... and now having had a cuppa (and fancy another one... kettles on...) here i am....

They say transitioning is a bitch... well sometimes you tend to be one when ya doing it... unless of course you're FTM... then ya a bloke... but sometimes when you flick in these online forums you occasionally see the comment made im going through hell, and so is my partner, and family... i think sometimes its forgotten just how much a partner goes through...

Mike has had to put up with so much off me all these years.... he's been there supporting me, putting up with my moods... clashing with me when the moods take over... seen the downs for what they are... in any relationship the rough comes with the smooth, thats called a proper relationship, they arent all sweetness and light but mikes stuck with me and i love him very very much... and he'll read this anyway "smiles"...

I am going through a difficult patch these last few days, that has brought back a little of the old days with it... as of late some of the online forums i hang around in havent been the greatest... lots of moaning and arguing and lots of people going through it at the same time, who are also picking up it too... Mike and i have tried to keep the good posts going, inject a little humour but inevitably ive now started to pick up on it, and at the moment i seem to be going through a hormonal change in me, maybe the mid life crisis is approaching me but whatever it is has been hitting me a little hard of late... and so im clouded on my feelings and thoughts a little, ive picked it up, i know its happening and im working on it... honest... the sitting quiet in the sun did wonders, plus the focusing on stuff staying away as much as possible from the sadness in forums is helping... stay focused denise on what you are doing better at... and thats reaching people outside the forums, real life meeting, helping others to smile, seeing them do just that and seeing their confidence grow is something special, very special... its me its what i can do... its what i will continue to do i know that, even when sometimes i just feel like shutting up shop and just staying out of it... i dont owe anyone anything, ive got mike... but alas i do have some little sisters around the place that say they like their big sis Denise around... so im not gonna vanish... but i am taking stock and adjusting accordingly... i have strengths... i need to use them a whole lot more...

So a little roll call to some of my younger sisters of late... Sasha, my partner in crime on some ideas and future projects... more on that sometime soon, Joanne in sunny surrey... Im honoured to be ya big sister, and i know Mike likes the big brother bit... it means he can do that bob hoskins thing innit... its great to see a big smile on ya face, to see you so happy, and big hugs to Natalie too...

To Sonya up north, hi sis, we will see you sometime soon... honest... we do miss you lots...to kaitlynn, dont worry when we come see Sonya we're be knocking on your door too for some tea and cake...

To My special sis over in darkest (dont mention the ) Germany and who likes coal mines ... can you send me some cheap beer?

To Jo in Brum and Emma in Darlington, my big sisters, thanks for sharing your qualities, wisdom, sense of whats right and wrong, your wicked sense of humour and good musical taste too, you have inspired me me to try and do the same to the younger ones... and i will see you both soon...

To Sarah L, i hope the beach browning has been good, say hi to a good doc friend of mine on the way back, Mike and I look forward to seeing you and Paul soon... Alyssa... hope your keeping up with this blog and cant wait to see you and Steve again...

And finally to the other sisters i hear little from, but thats cos they are out partying all over the place, Alex and Steffi, get ya arses down to London again soon, and drag me out dancing, its good for the figure they say so i would suggest several long sessions might help...

One of my biggest problems over the years has been self esteem, and confidence... something that im always trying to instill in others with empowerment... im guilty of not accepting kind words, the thanks and the support and much more... i do deep inside, but have trouble using it too... i promise you that i am very touched, that when you say thanks and pass on kind words to me i do smile... honest, and a flame does burn a little lighter inside... im good at not showing it, but i will do more in the future... honest... im slowly letting out emotions and thoughts as i type this entry today... which is helping stopping the odd waterworks, damn these weepy programs and sad music... i need more Motorhead!

A Year has gone very fast since thailand, in fact yesterday was a year since we touched back down here... im aware that the time ive taken to write this blog will never come back again, and that every moment of time is special in its own way... the moment you meet someone for the first time, the moment you fall in love, the time when you can forget that special person, when all you can do is think of them, to moments of sadness too, when someone passes away, when someone experiences bad times, when things are a struggle... i know and you know its called life... and life is what you make it... i am as guilty as anyone else for not making the most of my time... but its something i fully intend to change and make sure theres far more quality in it...

My weakness is i care too much for people... but its also my strength too... i genuinely care for people, i genuinely feel when they hit bad patches... im there to be a voice, to be someone to chat to, to be someone who can try and make ya smile, make you giggle, make you realise theres more to what is there in your face at any one piece of time, ive had a few good teachers in that respect, one of them i live with...

I know i seem to be rambling on a lot here, and maybe some of it is a bit jumbled but hey im allowed to be a bit more emotional from time to time...

I will do the best i can for my friends, for mike and above all else i will do my best for me... i know i can kick peoples arses, i know i can make people think and learn and be aware, and i hope i can drag a few of them along in raising awareness along the way... i fully intend to kick londons arse... rattle peoples cages, push groups that exist to do more, and by goodness fully intend to help create something more in London and the surrounding areas, for friends, partners and families out there... i stopped sitting in the shadows a long time ago, i learned the hard way by letting the knocks take me down... and im not gonna let that happen again, for me, for mike, for my friends and family, and i hope for you lot out there that i'll meet from time to time... lets go get them folks... we walk amongst them, lets make them know it...

Have a good weekend.... im off to have another strong cup of tea... be good, and if you cant be good make sure you cover up the evidence...

Hugs

Denise
xxx

A quick hi...

2007-04-11T00:14:00.000+01:00

*Waves...*

Just a quick hi... i know i havent posted for a few days... i have a lot to type sometime soon... but not today...

I just wanna say thanks to people for their kind words of late... it does humble me... im glad ive been there to help where i can... seeing you smile and seeing people happy and moving forward makes me feel good too... im glad i've helped if i have and im glad my words have helped too...

Catch ya soon

Denise
xxx

Its Nearly Easter...

2007-04-05T18:39:00.000+01:00

Howdy people... another lovely sunny day outside... popped out for a stroll about in the sunshine, was nice plus so much quieter then listening to the washing machine doing its thing...

Anyway i was sitting here watching an episode of Top Gear from the series just gone, the one where they were in the US when i suddenly realised i hadnt written a blog entry for a few days... then i also realised that i didnt have a clue what to write about, Kaitlynn came up with the idea of Cordless Dog Kennels... which im not too sure im that much of an expert in really... so i'll come back to that after some reseacrh...

Yesterday was a quick nip into town to meet up with Sarah from Pompey who was visiting the smoke for the day, i met her along with Bianca and Steffi for a spot of lunch in a pizza express... crikey do they really charge that much for a pizza that size... yes they do... still it was nice to catch up and have a natter... the other 2 nipped off after lunch leaving Sarah and me a bit of time to walk down the mall, across the park and a quick pop in central hall where the LGBT job fair was on, as time was short we found Charlie and a few others in the canteen so we had a quick natter before whizzing off to Victoria so that Sarah could get the bus back... the sun of course got the tourists out bigtime which is always slightly amusing in itself...

Todays been a day of sorting out bits and pieces, file this, ditch that, wash them, dry this... do that etc etc you get the idea... but its been nice and they reckon its gonna stay nice over the weekend... we are meeting another girl from the world of forums Natale on sat for a spot of looing around town and having a bite to eat, will be nice, always good to meet someone new... not quite sure where we will end up but hey thats even more fun...

Todays pic which sadly you people reading this blog on myspace wont see if of my cat Sooty... he's 13... which means in cat years he is well into his pension... but i love him to bits, miss him like hell and have to pop down to me parents to give him a cuddle sometime soon, he really is a rascal...

Sparky is back! Yes our resident squirrel friend has been away for a while, we've had stu and stan about but no sign of Sparky but i heard a scamper on the window ledge and in looked sparky before grabbing a nut and disappearing to bury it... was nice to see him again...

Reading Alex's blog reminded me of things i know i and others have been through over time, that knowledge that really at the end of the days its the good friends you have to stick with, and they arent always easy to find, ive had the odd blip on that score over the years, been stung big time by a couple in particular but thats an old story best forgotten, but it highlights that at the end of the day you just have to make the best of it, and ensure you're own happiness...

Alex if you're reading this you are a lovely lass, a real stunner and from my heart things will get a lot better honest, its not all a bed of roses down here in the south but if i can go through things headon so will you, its only a amtter of time to you reach a level of contentment, and i mean thats when things that phase you just wash over... it can hurt hon, it really can sometimes but it grows less over time, to a dull ache, a dull ache thats there for a reminder, but not enough to stop you doing what you want... you know the next moment is approaching where the rollercoaster climbs up another slope, you can see the summat coming and you know its gonna be a fun ride back down the other side... whoosh...

Well ive just done a search on cordless dog kennels and i cant find anything, so that might be an uphill subject to work on so i'll call it a day in this blog and go grab a cuppa... have a lovely easter folks, dont eat too many choccy eggs, leave them in the shops, then they will reduce them and i can get em cheap...

Hugs

Denise
xxx